Tatjana Soli - The Last Good Paradise

“Hey, no, I don’t want to go swimming.”

He had her in knee-high when he let go. Before she could turn away, he splashed a wave of water with his big paddlelike hand.

“No fair.” She splashed back.

“Oh, Ann, don’t you know by now nothing in this world is fair?” He grabbed her from behind around the waist to drag her in deeper. “I’m the big bad shark.”

If he kissed her now, she would let him. If he kissed her, she would kiss him back. She would gloss the past, undo regret, and when she was a grandmother someday, she would not be sorry that she had not kissed DEX COOPER.

She doubled over, laughing, trying and not trying to get out of his grip, when she heard a voice calling.

“Dex, honey, I’m sorry.”

Wende, puffy-eyed and repentant, waded into the water with shuffling, babyish steps, totally unfazed that her boyfriend had his big pianist’s hands all over another woman’s semibared body. Ann was sure that a jealous girlfriend wouldn’t last very long in Dex’s world, what with women flinging themselves at him and making themselves available. Still, it irked her that Wende considered her beneath the possibility of jealousy. Or maybe she considered Ann too much of a friend to have any doubts of her loyalty?

“Oh, lovebug,” Dex said, releasing Ann. The water frothed in his hurry to get to tear-smeared Wende. They hugged. Wende mouthed, “ I’ll tell you later ,” over his shoulder. Dex picked her up, and she wrapped her golden legs around his waist. They didn’t stop kissing long enough to notice Ann’s hurried departure down the beach.

* * *

The somnolent morning passed. The main resort didn’t have a boat to spare, so they were effectively stranded until one could be procured from Papeete. No supply runs, no snorkeling trips, no sightseeing. Worried about the cost of new repairs necessitated by the storm, Loren insisted the replacement be a used one, so the wait could stretch out even longer.

“What if someone gets sick?” Richard whispered to Ann.

“We’re all healthy. Except for Loren.”

When they showed up a few hours later for lunch, Dex and Wende had big smiles on their faces. Wende yawned and said she was going for a nap.

“You promised we’d talk,” Ann insisted.

“Give me an hour,” Wende begged off.

* * *

Revved after the friction of Wende, still tingling from his two near-deaths in the boat, chastened by the burning of his last song, Dex took a notebook and some pens and went into one of the back, uninhabited bungalows. It was still soggy from the storm and smelled of mildew, but he was glad for that. He deserved hardship. He had promised Wende he was going to rewrite “One-Eyed Lady,” but before he did, there was something else he needed to do, a sort of testimonial. He was deeply committed to the idea of marrying Wende, just as he had been to each of his wives in his last six marriages; he needed to figure out how he could make her the sixth and last Mrs. Dex Cooper. He paused and took a sip from the bottle of rum he’d swiped from the bar.

The 5 Women I Married (Before Wende, Who I Love the Most)

In Reverse Chronological Order Because It’s Easier That Way

Giselle: I called her my Gazelle. Marriage length: 2 years. Only lasted that long because I was on tour and couldn’t get to my attorney. Age difference: 21 years. Children: 1 daughter. Giselle was a model, a beautiful girl, but she had a German accent so thick I couldn’t understand her most of the time. Liked schnauzer dogs. She was as tall as me and had big feet. Seriously gorgeous body. Always smelled of expensive perfume. When I open a bottle of Must de Cartier even now I get an erection thinking of her. Terrible in bed. Hated to be touched, went rigid as a board. Don’t think she liked me so much either. Definitely not as much as the schnauzers. Hated the music and the band. Loved opera, polka, shopping. Turned shopping into a competitive sport.

Micaela: Alan’s (the ex-drummer’s) ex-girlfriend. Marriage length: 5 years. Only that long I think so she could irritate Alan. Age difference: 15 years. Children: 3 boys. Household: 5 dogs, 3 cats, a string of polo ponies (hers). Hot and fiery Argentinean. Never didn’t want to have sex, especially when we were fighting. Left many, many scratches and bites, so many that people asked if I had been in bar fights, but (see above) who’s complaining? The makeup people did complain at the extra work. Had to go to the hospital one night from an infected bite and have an antibiotic shot. Much drinking and much drugging. Rehab. In, out, in, out. Hated the band (especially Alan), jealous of the music, always smashing my guitars when she sensed I’d been with other women. An effective deterrent when you are talking about Fenders, Gibsons, and Rickenbackers.

Lori: Business manager of the band. Marriage length: 6 months. Age difference: she was one year older. Helped me out of my depression after the first three marriages (see below). Both of us overwhelmed by the many problems created by the unforeseen success of the band. Motherly figure. Weren’t really attracted to each other, but got fucked up together one night in Vegas, and decided, why not? Never imagined marrying someone who I liked as a friend. After we moved to the Malibu house, we rescued two Aussie shepherds and walked them every day on the beach. Question: Was Lori trying to rescue me, too? Loved the music. Diagnosed with cancer after amicable divorce. Took care of her till she was better. Still take care of her and her new husband, who’s now our accountant. Still friends. Have dinner at their house every Thursday when I’m in town. Made me godfather to their son. Still my business manager. Handles the complicated alimony payments. Longest functioning relationship w/a woman.

Jamie: See below. Second time around was NOT a charm. Marriage length: 4 months. She tried, but I was already wrecked.

Kelli: South African actress. Her father was a Boer and a bore. Marriage length: 2 years. Again only because we were both too busy to get the divorce started. Time we were together, monogamous: 3 weeks. Age difference: 5 years. Children: twin boys. Kelli was in love with DEX COOPER, not Dex Cooper, if you know what I mean. Had no interest in me as a human being separate from being her ROCK STAR husband. Only was affectionate in public, preferably with paparazzi around. Slept with rottweiler in the bed — crowded (what is it with me and women with dogs?). Arch conservative in politics, listened to Rush Limbaugh (how in the world did we meet?), ate huge quantities of red meat, especially barbecue, so she and her dad had the grill out back fired up day and night like some outer circle of hell. Liked to go hunting with my dad (only one of my wives he approved of), liked to walk around the house in the nude in front of staff, band members, whoever (best part of the relationship!). Slept with each member of the band behind my back. Nasty divorce. Swore not to marry again after her — broke that promise. Haha! Hope springs eternal.

Here Dex quaffed down the remaining half bottle of rum. He gently stroked his apple tattoo.

Jamie: Robby’s sister. We were both sixteen. Love of my life. How could I have known that and then made all those mistakes (see above)? Broke, we lived in our car, in friends’ apartments. We didn’t care. We lived for the music. Marriage length: 3 years. Age difference: one month apart. She said we were twins, born in different wombs. The success scared her, like it should’ve scared me. The band became a hungry beast we lived to feed. I betrayed her brother, but also betrayed her — not only with alcohol, drugs, and women, but with the music, mostly with the fame. I lost myself when I lost her.