Helen Oyeyemi - The Icarus Girl

“She’s walking around me in a circle,” Shivs whispered slowly, trying not to let her arms tremble. She heard Jess let out a little cry of amazement and was seized with a sudden, irrational fear that this thing would stop moving and dart out a sly, fleeting touch that would take her away forever and ever.

She almost shouted out, almost. But she didn’t — she was tougher than that, and anyway, she realised with a breathtaking suddenness, this was not her fear to hold but Jess’s. This thing meant to harm Jess, punish her in a bad way, the worst way, maybe. Siobhan was scared that Jess was going to die. She had to tell her.

“Jess, this—”

Jess moved forward towards Siobhan, who was fighting the quivering of her own lips to speak. She wanted to touch her, but TillyTilly, still unsmiling, put up a cautionary finger indicating that she should go no nearer. She had now stopped directly in front of Shivs, close enough to touch her. Shivs stammered senselessly for another half second as Jess watched, baffled and uneasy.

“This. It’s not… good. SHE’S. . not good. You need to—”

Glancing quickly at TillyTilly, who was by now backing away towards the door, looking as bewildered as Jess, Jess approached Siobhan and hugged her, listening for the almost inaudible words that she was whispering, “This is so, so bad. She doesn’t have to be here, Jess. You don’t have to see her. You know that, don’t you?”

“I—”

TillyTilly had gone. It felt as if she had fled.

And half an hour later, Shivs had fled too; everyone was fleeing away from her. Shivs had called her father to come and pick her up to take her home.

“It’s my fault, isn’t it?” Jess cried, following Shivs down the stairs and outside to the waiting car. Shivs was pale, why was she so pale? Why was she so scared of TillyTilly when she wasn’t the one who’d been caught in the glass, and she wasn’t the one who’d lain whimpering in the dark with an unknown wetness dripping on her back? Shivs wasn’t supposed to be scared.

“It’s not your fault, duh,” Shivs said, lightheartedly. It was almost convincing, but only almost. She waved at her dad, and climbed into the backseat of the car, busily doing up her seat belt.

Jess leaned in and peered at Siobhan.

“What was so scary?”

Shivs glowered at her when Dr. McKenzie turned around and asked, “What was so scary about what?”

“Nothing,” they both said hastily, and he laughed.

“Well, I’m sorry I’m so nosy, then! Shivs, ready to go?”

Shivs nodded, and Jess leaned back out of the car and slammed the door shut.

“Don’t tell ANYONE,” Jess mouthed, waving, and Shivs nodded, licked her finger and held it up for answer.

That was partly what made it so bad that Shivs told on her, that she’d sworn. It seemed that she’d only held out for one night, because on Monday afternoon, Jess was sitting in the kitchen eating a ham and peanut butter sandwich, with TillyTilly idly dipping her finger into the jam, when the phone rang. As soon as it did, Tilly leapt up, her eyes meeting Jess’s.

“McKenzie,” she hissed. “Siobhan TOLD him about me! I told you that she wasn’t a good friend, Jessy.”

The phone rang for ages; finally, her mum picked it up.

Jess put down her sandwich and stared back at Tilly as they both tried to listen to what was being said.

“No way,” Jess said forcefully, but when her mum came into the kitchen and tersely told her to grab her coat because Dr. McKenzie wanted to see them, she was forced to take it back.

“I hope Daniel’s feeling a bit better,” Dr. McKenzie said to Jess’s mum when they got there. He said this over Jess’s head, and she sneaked a glance upwards to see her mum shaking her head with the corners of her mouth tremblingly downturned.

“I’ll talk to you about it later,” Sarah told him, infuriating Jess, because what was this? She was acting as if Jess didn’t know about being sick, as if there was something left to know beyond the constant, aching wish for the sickness to just go away. So she started off in a bad mood anyway.

Dr. McKenzie must have been able to tell, because he began tentatively.

“Jess. You know what I was talking about before, about things being real in different ways?”

Folding her arms, Jess let herself fill up to the very top with indignation at what Siobhan had done. Why couldn’t she just shut up ? If it had been Jess, she’d have kept the secret, she’d have kept it even if. . even if she was shut in the basement for years and years. Shivs thought that her dad could fix anything, but Jess already knew and could have told her for free that parents fix nothing — they only pushed things to the bottom limits of worse . What was going to happen now?

Dr. McKenzie continued talking in spite of Jess’s stubborn silence.

“Now I’ve been thinking about our last talk, about your friend Tilly, and I thought of something—” (Oh, such a shameful lie, Dr. McKenzie, the truth shall set you free. We both know Shivs told you.)

“Sometimes the different types of being real can be the same thing with people. There are some things, people, that can seem very real, especially to you, Jess, because you have a big imagination. But sometimes they aren’t real in the same way that I am, or your mother is. For example, if you had no one to play with, you might. . meet a friend that’s exactly the type of friend that you wanted in every way—”

“TillyTilly isn’t imaginary, you know!”

“Why is she so shy, Jess? Why have neither of your parents met her even though she plays with you all the time?”

Jess gave him her foulest stare, waiting for him to finish making his point, acutely aware of her mother’s own stern glare at her. She’d get told off later for being rude.

“TillyTilly isn’t imaginary,” she growled at him.

Dr. McKenzie didn’t skip a beat.

“I know she’s not imaginary. She’s real because she’s a part of you.”

Jess threw her hands up in the air in frustration at his stupidity.

“She’s NOT! What’s the MATTER with you?”

“Jessamy, don’t you shout at Dr. McKenzie,” Sarah told Jess, pleasantly but with an undertone of steel running in her voice.

Jess folded her arms again and stared at her mother, then at Dr. McKenzie, who was picking up the little bowl of Jelly Babies.

“I’m not having one of those, either.”

He put them down, not taking one himself this time. He began talking to her mother instead of her.

“Of course, I’d have to see if Jess will talk to me more about… TillyTilly before I diagnose anything, but it might be worth your taking a look at some of this material, Sarah.”

Jess watched as he handed her mother a sheet of paper with some names and titles scribbled on it. Dr. McKenzie glanced at Jess to see if she was still in her sulk.

“It’s possible that TillyTilly is an alter ego, although she could also be an internalised imaginary companion. It seems as if we have a situation where Jess has discovered a need of an outlet for emotions that she doesn’t want to show. She may have kind of. . created, for lack of a better word, a personality that is very markedly different from her own—”

Sarah interrupted him. She folded the piece of paper over and over, trying to understand what he was saying.

“So TillyTilly isn’t real — I mean, objectively real,” she added, looking at Jess, who was scowling massively.

“But. . the way she used to talk about her! You should have heard her — they had a picnic, and they wrote a poem—”

She turned to Jess. “D’you still have that poem?”

Jess shook her head.

“Well, I feel silly. I should have, well, known .” Sarah played with the fringed ends of her scarf and chewed thoughtfully at her lip as she looked at Jess.