Helen Rowland - Reflections of a Bachelor Girl

THE average man looks on matrimony as a hitching post where he can tie a woman and leave her until he comes home nights.

STRANGE, how joyfully a man will pay a lawyer five hundred dollars for untying the knot that he begrudged paying a clergyman fifty dollars for tying.

A MAN buttons a woman's dress up the back with almost the same grace and alacrity that a woman displays in climbing a barbed wire fence.

"JUST once more" is the Devil's best argument.

VARIETY is the spice of love.

THE only people who believe in a personal devil, nowadays, are the ones who are married to that kind.

THE girl who marries for money is bought; but the girl who marries for love is sold.

A WISE lover, like a good cook, is one who knows when the fire is out.

ALIMONY is the price of peace.

IN marriage, the love-light so often goes out as soon as the gas bills begin to come in.

THE only way to be happy with a husband is to learn to be happy without him most of the time.

LOVE is just the shine on the jewel of matrimony; but, after all, the shine on a jewel is the whole thing.

A MAN firmly believes that, if he can only keep his wife in the straight and narrow path, he can go out and zig-zag all over the downward one without falling from grace.

A GIRL is never so surprised when a man proposes to her as he is.

LOVE doesn't really "make the world go 'round," it only makes us so dizzy that everything seems to be going round.

ENNUI is "that tired feeling" that a girl has when the right man doesn't show up and the wrong one does.

STRANGE, how joyfully a man will pay a lawyer five hundred dollars for untying the knot that he begrudged paying a clergyman fifty dollars for tying.

WHEN a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of all the other men of her acquaintance for the inattention of just one.

IT gives a girl silver threads among the gold to marry her ardent admirer and find out afterward that she has tied herself to a life-critic.

AS FAR as men are concerned, a woman's reputation for brains is worse than no reputation at all.

ALAS, if husbands were only like sewing machines, and we could have them sent up on trial!

KISSING a girl, without first telling her that you love her, is as small and mean as letting a salesman take you for a free ride in an automobile when you have no intention of buying it.

DIVORCE is the "Great Divide," over which many men think they will pass into Heaven.

A MAN can never be made to understand why a woman will pay fifty dollars for a hat containing ten dollars worth of material and forty dollars worth of style.

YOUTH will be youth; a young man chases temptation, folly, and chorus girls as naturally as a kitten chases its tail.

FLINGING yourself at a man's head is like flinging a bone at a cat; it doesn't fascinate him, it frightens him.

MEN say they admire a woman with high ideals and principles; but it's the kind with high heels and dimples that a wife hesitates to introduce to her husband.

MARRIAGE is the black coffee that a man takes to settle him after the love-feast.

LOVE is the feeling that makes a man turn on the hot water when he meant to light the gas, go hunting for a collar when what he wanted was a pair of socks, shave every day, and forget whether or not he has had any lunch.

HAPPINESS is at high-tide at the full of the honeymoon.

SOMEHOW, a man who has been thrown over always lands on his knees to another girl.

A CONFIRMED bachelor girl is one who hasn't married – yet.

TOO many "flames" dry up the well-spring of love.

IT IS difficult for an old horse to learn new tricks – but an old man hasn't sense enough not to try.

THE tenderest spot in a man's make-up is sometimes the bald spot on top of his head.

NEVER worry for fear you have broken a man's heart; at the worst it is only sprained and a week's rest will put it in perfect working condition again.

A RICH girl need not bother to cultivate the art of conversation in order to be fascinating. Her money will do the talking.

NOTHING can exceed the grace and tenderness with which men make love – in novels – , except the off-hand commonplaceness with which they do it in real life.

ABOUT the only sign of personal individuality that the average woman is allowed to retain after she marries is her toothbrush.

THERE are just three brands of masculine affection: platonic, which is love without kisses; plutonic, which is kisses without love, and kisses WITH love – which is almost extinct.

OF course women should marry; no home is complete without a husband any more than it is without a cuckoo clock or a cat.

"HOME" is any four walls that enclose the right person.

NO MAN can understand why a woman shouldn't prefer a good reputation to a good time.

THE original fox was a man and the original grapes were the girls he couldn't kiss.

A MAN'S desire for a son is usually nothing but the wish to duplicate himself in order that such a remarkable pattern may not be lost to the world.

IT isn't the girls whom he has loved and lost that a man sighs for; it's those whom he has loved and never won.

LAZY men fancy that the wheel of life is a roulette wheel, on which fortunes are won only by chance.

EVERY time a woman gives a man a piece of her mind she loses a piece of his heart.

WHEN a man spends his time giving his wife criticism and advice instead of compliments, he forgets that it was not his good judgment, but his charming manners, that won her heart.

A MAN never marries when he ought to; he waits until some woman comes along and gets him so tangled up that he has to.

THE shortest way to Heaven or to Hell is via the Love Route, Limited.

IT MAY be bad form for a man to pay his wife compliments and call her pet-names in the presence of other women, but it's awfully good policy.

MANY a foolish runaway match has been prevented by the fact that a girl didn't have on her best silk stockings at the critical moment.

REMORSE is the feeling a man has when the bottle is empty or he has tired of the girl.

HUSBANDS are like Christmas gifts: you can't choose them; you've just got to sit down and wait until they arrive and then appear perfectly delighted with what you get.

THE beauty of variety in love or wine is that the moment a man discovers a new brand or a new girl, he forgets all about the others and honestly believes that he is tasting the real thing for the first time.

MATRIMONY should not be a prison but a privilege, and husbands and wives should not be jailors but jolliers.

THAT lump which a man feels in his throat when he is about to propose is the "don't" lump.

A MAN may read everything that ever was written about women and yet not know enough to avoid asking his wife a question when her mouth is full of pins.

THE oftener a man falls in love, the more easily and gracefully he does it; exercise seems to keep the heart in good working condition.

IT IS always a surprise to a woman when her husband sues for $200,000 for the alienation of her affections, which he never seemed to consider worth two cents.

MATRIMONY is a revolving door, round which husband and wife follow one another without ever meeting on the same side of any question.

MARRYING an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

LOVE always must end sooner or later – usually sooner than the girl expected and later than the man intended.

THE woman who insists on playing Solitaire in conversation is likely to end by playing Old Maid.

FROM the number of virtues and accomplishments that a man expects to find in one wife, you'd fancy he was marrying a harem.

DON'T worry for fear you may freeze a man's love out; the colder the wind you blow upon it, the higher you fan the flames.