Helen Oyeyemi - The Icarus Girl

They both stared at it as it lay on the ground. Then Colleen stamped on it, and the paperback cover crushed and crinkled beneath her Caterpillar boot. Jess watched Colleen’s boot messing up her mother’s book. She shouldn’t have brought it into school.

Sam Robinson jumped in the air with astonishment and excitement before remembering that she wasn’t supposed to stand up while on the wall. She sat down again.

Jess didn’t move but began to speak in a low voice, so low that Sam and Nam had to come close to hear what she was saying. So did Colleen.

“I don’t think I’m the cleverest girl in the school, and I don’t think I’m amazing, and I’m not mad and you don’t know anything about me so you’d better shut up before you say anything else because I might hit you again and then my parents will be angry because I’ll be in the Incident Book twice.”

She paused, then looked up at Colleen McLain with an expression that made the girl draw back. Jess’s usually hazel brown irises seemed darker.

Jess’s voice grew in volume as more people from their class gathered, trying to see what was going on. She caught sight of Tunde Coker making signals to her, mouthing Are you OK? , but she ignored him. She continued speaking in a monotone, conscious of the fact that now that she was humiliating Colleen McLain she should be feeling happy, or remorseful but glad, or at least something:

“And my family is not weird . Or, if they are weird , they’re not as weird as your family. There must be something weird about your family, Colleen, to make you wet yourself every day, and there must be something weird about your mum that makes her go berserk about it and push your wet knickers in your face. If I’m weird , you’re weirder , so shut your big, fat, ugly, baby mouth.”

There was a burst of laughter from all around. Tunde Coker smiled.

Nam Hong stood up on the wall, pretending to hold a microphone to his lips.

“Is it true, Colleen?” he asked, holding his microphone fist out to Colleen.

Colleen McLain’s mouth opened and closed in shock.

“It’s not true!” she said, finally, ignoring Nam’s “microphone” and speaking to the others from their class. Her cheeks were even redder than before. “She’s lying!”

Sam Robinson gave a guffaw of laughter. “We know it’s not true, Colleen. But it IS a pretty wicked thing to make up when you’re having an argument with someone!” She looked at Jess, who was picking up her book, with growing respect. “I never thought you’d say something like that!”

“Look,” said Nam, “Colleen’s gone off into the girls’ toilets!” And it was true. Colleen had fled sobbing across the playground, her hair bobbing frantically as she ran. Alison Carr volunteered to go after her, but to everyone’s surprise, Jess stood up from the wall.

“I’ll go,” she said.

Sam looked doubtful.

“You’re not allowed, you’re on the wall,” she said. Then: “Besides, it’s better not to have another fight in the toilets.”

“Yeah, also, I don’t think she’s, like, speaking to you,” Alison chimed in, to laughter from the others.

Jess shook all these objections off. She had begun to feel as if she had done something very bad and only had a few minutes to make amends before she was punished. There would be. . consequences if she didn’t make an effort to sort it out. It didn’t matter if Colleen told Miss Patel or the teacher on duty, or even Mr. Heinz; the worry was vague and distant, but still there. She shouldn’t have said that in front of everyone, even if Colleen had stamped on her book. She didn’t think TillyTilly would think much of it, but she was going to apologise to Colleen.

Colleen was absolutely silent in the cubicle. If Jess hadn’t peered beneath the closed door and seen her feet in their Caterpillar boots, she would have thought that Colleen wasn’t there. She stood at one of the sinks, staring at herself in the mirror, shaking her ponytail from side to side, watching the fluffy hair bounce. It would be easier to talk to her own face, maybe.

“Colleen?”

Silence.

“Um, Colleen?”

“What. Do. You. Want.”

“I’m sorry.”

Silence.

Then the cubicle door opened with a grating sound as Colleen unlocked it, and Jess could see her leaning against the now open door, her face flushed, her eyes gleaming, angry. She had pushed all her hair behind her ears for once, and a tuft of it was sticking up on the top of her head. She looked around to see if Jess had brought anyone with her.

“So, what do you want me to do: apologise for stamping on your stupid book? Because I’m not sorry. I’m glad I did it.”

Surprised, Jess turned from the mirror to face Colleen. She hadn’t expected an apology from Colleen McLain; nobody got apologies from Colleen.

“I don’t want you to apologise. It wouldn’t help me anyway.”

More silence.

“Well, if you’re feeling better, I’m going to go now,” Jess said, feeling stupid.

But Colleen stopped her. “How did you know?” she demanded, flushing a deeper red and staring at the floor.

Jess grimaced. How had she and TillyTilly been able to do the things that they had done yesterday? Because now there was no question that it had really happened; Colleen had just indirectly admitted some of it herself. Jess had tried to push these sort of ideas away when she was with her friend, but now, seeing what her knowledge had done, knowing that for once she had actually hit someone with what she knew, she felt sort of (uneasy) about it.

Colleen was still looking at the floor.

“I heard Miss Patel talking to the school nurse about it one lunchtime,” Jess said, finally. She wanted to forget the stupid knickers. “I’ll say I was lying,” she offered.

Colleen glared at her, then stepped out of the cubicle and pushed her way past Jess.

“I already said that.”

It was Jess’s dad’s day off, and he picked her up from the school playground, taking hold of her hand but saying little as they crossed the road and began to walk through the park. She wasn’t sure whether a teacher had already phoned home about today, so she kept quiet too, swinging her book bag in little arcs through the air with her free hand.

“Daddy.”

“That’s me,” he replied, smiling.

Jess smiled too before her expression became serious again.

“Are you all right?” she asked.

Her father swung their joined hands.

“I’m fine, Jess.”

She was half running along beside him to catch up with his strides.

“Daddy.”

“Me again!”

Jess looked down at the ground. It was moving past quite fast because she was scurrying now, almost tripping over her book bag.

“Something happened at school today.” She waited for him to interrupt, to ask Did you have another tantrum? , but he said nothing. “I got in trouble. I hit Colleen McLain and I. . Andrea Carney was in the fight as well. They started it! And I had to sit on the wall, and I got put in the Incident Book. And they didn’t! It’s not fair.”

She bit her lip, waiting for him to let go of her hand and make her walk on her own so that she could “think about what she had done.”

“Dulcie’s going through a fighting period at school as well,” her father muttered. Jess couldn’t think what this had to do with her.

“Look, you know that it’s just not on for you to go around hitting people, even if they DID start it,” he began sternly. “I mean, what do you think the world would be like if we all went around hitting each other when we were cross?”