Aleksandar Hemon - The Making of Zombie Wars

Starting after Alma, Stagger pushed aside an unlucky passerby, an old man in a long dress and a Muslim skullcap, who swirled in a full circle to face Joshua dumbfoundedly.

They got back into the STAGmobile and drove past the cops writing tickets outside burger joints and vegetarian palaces and kebab houses; past the CTA buses huffing and puffing over axle-busting potholes; past the crates of mango and monstrous tubers rotting under green awnings; past the babies in strollers hauling their mothers; past the bike frames rusting anonymously; past the black-coated boys on their way to the yeshiva; past the tired women in saris tottering about in their morning daze; past the angry men scorching their maggot-friendly flesh with coffee in their zombiemobiles; past everything that could be passed. Whereas Alma flew forward untouched, leaving behind Joshua, Stagger, and all the other zombies, forgetting already everything that needed forgetting. There was nothing to be done, nothing left to do. This is the gate to the Lord, the righteous shall walk through. This is it.

“Let’s finish this up,” Joshua said. “Let’s do the cat.”

INT. HOUSE IN WILMETTE — NIGHT

It’s Seder. The table is set according to the ancient custom: lamb shank, egg, haroseth, karpas, maror, matzoth, the whole nine yards. At the head of the table sits Bernie in a wheelchair, which is too low, so only his head is visible. He’s drooling on his chest, knocked out by painkillers. At the opposite end is Janet, who actually runs the whole show. Rachel and Noah sit side by side. Joshua and Stagger are across the table from them, their faces disfigured with bruises and scratches and lumps. Rachel glances at her son with fear and worry. Stagger nibbles on his matzah. Joshua silently shakes his head and signals he should put it down, but Stagger doesn’t understand. He eats the last morsel and licks his lips. No one else saw what he did, so Joshua lets it go.

JANET

(to Noah)

All right, Noah: ask!

NOAH

I don’t want to!

RACHEL

Come on, Noah!

NOAH

I don’t want to do this! I don’t care about this kind of food.

JOSHUA

Oh, come on, Jan! Leave the boy alone! I’ll ask the goddamn question.

RACHEL

Joshua! Watch your mouth.

JANET

Ask the question, Noah, or there’ll be consequences!

NOAH

I don’t want to ask the goddamn question!

RACHEL

See what you’ve done now, Joshua?

JOSHUA

Why is this night different from all other nights? All right? Pray tell what the big difference is between this night and all other nights. Can’t wait to find out.

Stagger watches it all in mild amazement, unclear whether this bickering is also part of the bizarre Jewish ritual. He goes for more matzoth.

BERNIE

(snapping out of his slumber)

Chaim? Is that you?

MOMENTS LATER

Stagger pours himself another glass of wine, thereby violating yet again the age-old tradition, but it’s too late to care. Somehow, the Levins have granted him a dispensation.

JANET

The scriptures dictate the story must be told in ways that will be understood by sages, by the wise and the wicked, by the moron and the mute. And I’m going to tell the story if it’s the last thing I do. So, listen up.

Joshua sighs with the impatient anticipation of the same old, same old. Rachel lashes him with a side glance. Noah is off somewhere, having with Joshua’s help defeated the pressure from his mother. Bernie is unconscious. Stagger, however, pays attention, sipping his wine.

JANET

Long ago, in Egypt, a new pharaoh elected himself for life. The Jews became slaves, building pyramids and such. But instead of dropping dead from all the mortar and brick production, they bred like immigrants. Being fairly new to his responsibilities, the pharaoh freaked out and said, as many of his ilk would, “Let’s wipe out the Jews before they take over!” Had he been nuclear, it would’ve been easy, but his dumb actual plan was to drown all the baby boys. He didn’t care about the girls, mind you, just the boys.

Stagger takes another sip of the wine.

STAGGER

(whispering to Joshua)

This is some good shit.

JOSHUA

(whispering back)

Prime Bordeaux. Not very kosher.

Stagger fake-punches Joshua’s shoulder to show he got the joke, but Joshua winces in pain.

JANET (CONT’D)

(getting into the story)

Well, the girls had plans. Luckily for Moses, his sister was a strong, smart, upstanding woman and she also got along with the dictator’s daughter. It’s always been about who you know, and Miriam knew that, deep down inside, the princess had a kind heart.

STAGGER

(whispering)

Who’s Miriam again?

JOSHUA

(also whispering)

The sister.

STAGGER

Right! I knew that. It’s in the Bible too.

JANET (CONT’D)

Well, Jochebed had birthed Moses and hidden him for three months, but she couldn’t hide him forever. Now, you might wonder where Moses’s father was at this time. He bailed out, that’s where. A full-blown abandonment of his family. He went about his own business, probably whoring all over the Middle East …

RACHEL

Janet! Calm down. Not the time.

JANET

I know. Not the time. Okay.

MOMENTS LATER

JANET (CONT’D)

Moses says: “Let my people go!” And Pharaoh says: “No way in hell!” So Moses’s boss unleashes ten weapons of mass destruction, real mean stuff: blood, frogs, lice, wild beasts, pestilence, boils, hail, locusts, clotted darkness, death of the firstborn. Now, what do you think of that, Mr. Pharaoh?

MOMENTS LATER

JANET (CONT’D)

So Moses puts together the Exodus. Think of it as Operation Hebrew Freedom: an orderly transfer from slavery to the Promised Land, quite a leadership challenge. But that’s not where it ends: the pharaoh is an inveterate flip-flopper, so he changes his mind and chases the Jews all the way to the Red Sea.

Stagger appears rapt. He licks his lips and dilates his nostrils, his body taut with attention. Even Noah has come back to listen and manages not to be disruptive. Rachel, whose attention never falters, kneads her hands on the table. Even Bernie seems alert to the story — or at least awake. Joshua watches them all with a mixture of annoyance and love.

JANET (CONT’D)

Now water is lapping at their ankles, then it’s at their knees, and then at their very noses. The Red Sea is big and deep, and they can’t swim for crap. The Egyptians arrive, raring for the final solution. The Hebrews appear doomed. But Moses has a boss and protector who happens to have created the universe. Turns out the Egyptians can’t swim either. They drown like ants in a kitchen sink.

MOMENTS LATER

JANET (CONT’D)

Well, Miriam perished as the Jews wandered, an unmarked grave, that kind of thing. Moses did get a wonderful panoramic view of the Promised Land, but the boss didn’t let him cross over, God knows why. He died in the desert, alone too, as everyone eventually does. It was right there, his dream, he could see it, yet it was beyond his reach. After all that leadership, no dice. There, but not there. Ponder that for a moment.

Everyone ponders.

JANET (CONT’D)

The rest of the Jews did all right, though.

Bernie drops his chin to his chest and starts crying. Rachel reaches across the table to squeeze his hand and he squeezes hers back.

JANET (CONT’D)

Anyway, drink your wine now. For Elijah.

Joshua gets up to open the door.

STAGGER

Who’s coming?

No one responds to him. Everyone sits in silence, waiting.

The place used to be a high-security prison, with thick, high walls, double gates of reinforced steel, and looming watchtowers at each corner of the hexagon, plus one in the center. The prison yard was now teeming with living humans in all their tragic variety: men, women, children, white, black, blue — all emaciated and exhausted, having lived with constant terror for so long. All of those people had seen their loved ones be torn to pieces or turn undead. The survivors were alive only because they were not dead, but that was subject to change at any moment. They were running out of food, they had little ammo, even less hope.