J. Donleavy - The Beastly Beatitudes of Balthazar B

"I beg your pardon."

"We've traced it up here. Had to come in your door. To investigate of course."

"What are you doing in this house."

"Sir, gurgling and groaning and some cries have been heard out in the garden. By my wife."

"Gurgling."

"Yes, quite. We have come to see by what authority it is being emitted. Sir. Then there were groans, long, long piercing groans."

"I think you must be mistaken."

"O no, there are four of us. This other gentleman came with us. He heard it too. We met him on the street. We wish to know sir, by what authority these groans are being uttered. As it would appear from the sound that some embranglement is afoot. Sir, my God, have regard, you are without any garments, please."

"Pardon. But it is my house and I want to see the rest of you. The light's not awfully good."

"Yes, quite, we wish of course it were better too. On this investigatory mission. I don't think any of us, let me make that point quite clear, will be deterred by hollow answers. We are all here agreed we have heard the groans and moans."

"You are I think trespassing. This is my house."

"Look sir, that may be, but again I must make perfectly clear that we have entered upon the premises on a serious investigatory mission, in the manner, if I may say so, of vigilantes, and we would appreciate not being trifled with. If someone is in distress it is the duty of citizens to demand to know sir."

Millicent sitting upright in shadows, the sheets gathered around. A cow goes on grazing latterly the bull has been in her. Balthazar B bare arsed at the dressing room door, a Welsh traveller in Wales attired in national costume. Urgent whispers from Millicent get those damn people out of my room. Beefy said it was an inclination of Knightsbridge population to have a go. With fans, lorgnettes and furled umbrellas. To put down theft, slow up crime. And stop diabolical secret murder. Betwixt the damp warrens of masonry. The English hide their houses and the French always cut a little window in their trees. But one of those misty London evenings can come with the pavements moist and greasy black as the people thread darkly home through the streets. And the paper sellers' shouts go out. Echoing across the fog. Woman's torso found in Thames. Killer with a surgeon's skill. Floating remains found on foreshore of Wapping Old Stairs. Police search for missing head. A clue to the killer might be given by the expression on the dead person's face. A smile if the victim had long liked the assailant. Surprise and horror if she did not. The torso was well built. Now tarry sir, listen to the gore. The hairy hand, reaching. Cutting. Leaving blood and remains. On the foreshore. What does one answer in all this distress. To keep one's arse unbroken. Or police being called and possible arrest. Only left one thing to say.

"I know that my redeemer liveth."

"That's all very well and proper sir, all of us here I'm sure know that our redeemer liveth. But dash it all, that's exactly why we will not be sidetracked."

"Could we not all sing Abide With Me."

"Certainly not sir, this is not a joke. We demand to see in."

"No."

"Sir, you are asking to get force from us. Isn't that so, I didn't catch your name on the street sir, ah, Whitewang. Is that in one or two words, White Wang, ah two, good. Now isn't that so Mr. White Wang, we are being asked to use force here."

"I must ask you all to go away please. Out of my wife's dressing room.' "We shall not."

"My wife only is here. And she is quite well."

"How do we know that sir. My own wife is certain she recognised the cries of a downed female, if I may be so blunt as to use that term."

Balthazar swung wide open the dressing room door. Till now one has been so patient with the entire world. Tip toeing through a woman's dissatisfactions hoping too many of them will go unheard. Seems anyone steps in these days to infernally invade one's privacy. Treat them now to plenty so they won't be asking for more. One gentleman and lady in the forefront. One lady and one gentleman in the rear.

"My God sir, how dare you present yourself thus, to my wife."

"You're demanding to gain entrance to my bedroom. You are already standing in my house. Without my leave. And I again request you to go."

"Sir, attend to yourself. You are in a state of undress. I happen to be connected with the Admiralty and I am also a member of the Automobile Club."

"Well I should be glad then if you would promptly motor out of here."

"I think I speak as spokesman for the group, and God help me man I would appreciate if you were to cover yourself."

"I am quite as God made me."

"That sir is a matter between you and God. We all of us consulted at length in the street over the noises. Matters had to be taken into our own hands to insure that injury was not being done. Now that we are here we intend to succeed in the measures we have thus far taken."

"Did you hear a cry for help."

"No, I don't believe we did."

"Then I must ask you to leave this instant."

"Look sir, all of us are willing volunteers. Responding to what we feel is an emergency. I've had my time in Burma, sir. Fve been acquainted with this kind of thing before. When although there isn't an outright cry for help, one surmises quite properly that the presence of help is required. I wish sir, you wouldn't continue to stand there naked like that.' "What was your rank."

"Major and damn it sir, attend to yourself, I'm quite fed up talking to you in that condition, presenting yourself unadorned to my wife like that. Get back behind the door or a towel at least."

"I want you to clear out please."

"Not until we have had satisfaction sir."

"I said please go."

"Sir if you take another naked step forward in front of my wife I shall strike you."

"I'm sure your wife has seen privates before. Fve spent half an hour in front of the Sorbonne like this."

"What you did sir, nude in front of the Sorbonne, is no concern of ours. And my wife has not seen privates before. Not even in tableau. And how dare you suggest she has."

"Have you no privates Major."

"As a matter of fact if you must know I received an injury to them in Burma. In the service of my country. Wretched wog had at me with a lucky shot. And sir I think you are being most ungentlemanly to stand there like that, cold bloodedly exposing yourself. And sir your organ is deliberately twitching""For the last time, please leave this house."

"I am umpiring this matter here, sir, with the full agreement of the others. I resent strongly my integrity being questioned. I have commanded men in foreign parts. But if I may say so, foreign parts are one thing, and facing your privates provocatively presented is entirely another. We want evidence that all in the room beyond is quite correct and no knavery has been committed."

"I shall take this coat hanger to you. If you don't get out of this house."

"I must remind you sir that every Englishman is duty bound according to his code of behaviour to have a go wherever there is evidence of foul play.' "What evidence."

"We shall see.' "And if you don't.' "Well we shall of course retreat and enlist the aid of further authority."

"Followed closely by my legal advisers who will lash you with writs till your shoelaces dance in terror."

"Good God sir, we're only doing our best here. What about all the poor old dears in this street. What about them, they may even now cower thinking they will be next. They are not motor owners like we, and here I speak for myself as I do not know if Mr. White Wang is a motor owner."

"I'm not."

"O I see. But these old dears can't motor away to safety, peace and quiet. We of us who own motors must take care that the rights of those less fortunate are protected."