J. Donleavy - The Destinies of Darcy Dancer, Gentleman

‘By Jesus, what are you Darcy Thormond Kildares coming to. Raising little maniacs. I’ll report this to the guards. You can bet on that. I’ll have you in the courts. And put in prison. You can bet on that too.’

‘Shut up you gombeen bastard. And get off my land.’

‘I’ll shut up alright but you haven’t heard the end of this don’t you worry. You’ll hear from me.’

‘And if I do I’ll come and blow your fucking head off.’

‘Hear him. There are witnesses here. I know my rights. I have it in writing, I’ve got it down in black and white with the agent. And no buckeen is going to deprive me of my rights. You wouldn’t be that bold without a gun.’

Somewhere high above the oak tree tops a crow was squawking. And the bright blue of sky was closing over with clouds. The smell of gun powder out on the air. Foxy said it was always good to use the word fucking in your threats. Then they always fucking well knew.

That you

Fucking well

Meant it

With black darkness closing down on a rainswept countryside, Crooks this day later came with the message into the front parlour where Miss von B and I were taking tea. Following a game just played of chess. In which I literally crushed her. By casually abiding her overconfident reckless attacks during the middle game and then exercising a blistering positional cross fire of my bishops with a knight and castle overseeing the plunging blade of my queen into the heart of her king.

‘Master Reginald. There are two gentlemen from the Garda Siochana in the hall. I did say that I did not know whether you were receiving but they say it regards urgent and serious matters.’

‘Show them in Crooks. And do fetch some whiskey.’

‘Very good Master Reginald.’

Two uniformed damp looking guards. Hats in hands. One had to dip his head to walk in the door. And the other nearly to turn sideways. Both massive apparitions standing there in the shadows. Who nod greeting. And to which one must present one’s very best dazzling entitlements.

‘Guards, allow me to present you to Her Royal Highness.’

‘Sorry your majesty to disturb you at your tea.’

‘It is quite all right.’

‘Now guards do please. Come in. Sit down.’

‘We’ll stand for the moment. As you never know that what we might have to say may not be welcome. And I’ll get to the point. We have had a complaint of a serious nature from a certain timber merchant. And I’m sure you know now to what I refer. He claims this morning that sometime in the vicinity often o’clock, that you let fly a shot gun at him while he was in pursuit of his lawful right cutting down some trees.’

‘Please, gentlemen, sit. Ah. Crooks. Good. Now will you gentlemen have a drink.’

‘Not while on duty. There are a couple of very serious matters. The first concerns yourself and is a serious charge. Discharge of a firearm in a fashion so as to endanger life.’

‘Well as a matter of fact, it was all a complete reflex action and horrid accident. I in fact was shooting a pigeon. That happened to be flying out over this gentleman’s head. Quite high above it you know. They’re the devil in the summer with our oats and barley. The sight of one instantly put me in mind to shoot it. But I do think I rather gave him a fright when it knocked a branch out of the tree which fell on him. For which I was very sorry.’

‘The timber merchant said nothing about a pigeon. If you don’t mind now, we’ll take that statement down.’

The sergeant, his cap tucked under an arm as he held open his notebook. While Miss von B miraculously captivated both of them with utterly devastating smiles. A good bit of scribbling was done. With the sergeant requesting me to pause until his pencil caught up. Of course one spouted out a lot of old rubbish. Of a quality however, which did not make the guards look too foolish pretending to believe it. Yes. I was of course, telling them to vacate my lands. Of which I was the absolute freehold owner in trust perhaps. But still no one has a right to take property without my leave. Yes all guns in the household were properly licensed. And indeed if either of the guards enjoyed a shoot now and again. Do please let me know. Plenty of snipe down on the edge of the bog, pheasant, plover, duck. Anything in fact a sporting man likes to see on the wing ripe and ready for later delectation and needing only to be blasted out of the sky.

‘Now Mr Kildare, we’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. That there was no threatening language up there at the time of the discharge of the firearm which was in every way unintentional. But it wouldn’t do for the good look of things for persons who live in big houses using firearms on persons who live in small houses.’

‘I quite understand Sergeant.’

‘But sure you’re bound to hear great exaggeration. But we’re duty bound to listen to both sides of a story. Your man says he has rights, and if he has the courts of course are waiting to uphold them. And in a similar fashion the courts is the proper place if a man is trespassing and doing damage on a man’s land. So we don’t want to hear any more of shot guns just letting fly in pursuit of a pigeon and then just happening to blow a branch off just above your man’s head.’

‘Of course guard. No one would dream of doing such a thing deliberately.’

‘Well now to the other matter and then we’ll go off duty. And maybe a bit of that whiskey will do the trick to kill the chill on the wet way back in the darkness to the station. It’s every bit a cold journey.’

‘And what is the further difficulty guard.’

‘Ah well now it involves a personality that you might say has become familiar to all of us over the years. Now we are aware that Foxy Slattery is an employee upon the estate. And we have reason to believe he can help in our inquiries. First regarding a sacrilegious theft of wine and other divine divers artefacts including priestly vestments and the wearing of same with the intention of impersonating the clergy.’

‘But Foxy is most devout and I am sure would never do anything so unfortunate.’

‘Well he left his fingerprints all over the face of a witness to such act. And occasioned him actual bodily harm as well. And further. In regard to the unlawful taking of a horse, the property of a Master of Foxhounds. And again occasioning that gentleman actual bodily harm. And connected with that incident. There is the damage done to property in the act of trespass and being in charge of a horse in a dangerous manner.’

‘Good lord, how heinous.’

‘Which also involved charging the same horse at two dismounted members of the hunt and then jumping over their heads. Particulars of this latter matter are still being pursued as witnesses have been reluctant to come forward.’

‘Upon my word. How irredeemably wretched. And especially to thieve clerical clothing. Dreadful. But Foxy has impeccable references.’

‘No need to get alarmed now Mr Kildare. Sure the reverend Father in question is a humane man. Not to say a cultured gentleman of the very highest order and indeed is an habitué of this very house.’

‘Yes indeed he is, and a noted collector of fine art.’

‘Well he would not be pressing charges. And we are likely to consider that in the case of a person with too much drink taken that they might in such a state, on occasion, behave in a bizarre manner. And not be meaning in the least to impersonate a member of the clergy. And we are proceeding upon that assumption. He could be let off with a caution and small fine. But it is the Father’s robes, tailor made in Paris of the greatest kind of cloth and blessed by the Pope, that we want to recover. And we would earnestly solicit the help of all here in so doing.’