J. Donleavy - The Destinies of Darcy Dancer, Gentleman

‘Are we now discussing the down to earth probability that you and I shall be departing soon.’

‘I think so, yes. I mean but a day or so ago you were gone.’

‘But I am here. And I may be deeply in love with you.’

‘You would be certain if you were.’

‘Well perhaps I yet will be. When I’ve thought extensively enough about it. But I could be already. Other men are attempting to befriend you I suppose.’

‘Ah of course, there are always men. Who are maybe bored trying putting it up the sheep. There is the Major, the agent, Murphy the farmer. There is hardly a shortage. Even the Mental Marquis.’

‘You are sometimes a little brutally blunt madam. But what did the Marquis do.’

‘O he let me know when he saw my long magnificent legs that how do you say, that he fancies me.’

‘That does not become you to brag like that.’

‘Ah you are angry.’

‘He fancies Baptista.’

‘Dumb minded little bitch.’

‘Well she may be quite stupid in brains but the Marquis it would appear was quite happily content to ravish that part of her body not containing them. The whole of the Moonhound Mad Hatters hunt came upon them in the woods. Stark naked on top of one another.’

‘I do not believe it.’

‘It is absolutely true, ask Sexton.’

‘Ah then who was on top. Baptista or the Marquis.’

‘The Marquis as a matter of fact. And you may think it’s all a joke but there are many witnesses should there be any doubt as to the accuracy of the matter.’

‘How very unsporting. The Marquis crushing such a small girl into the grass. And how indiscreet of the Marquis in front of people. But how typical of the little bitch. To choose to open her legs in such a theatrical place where the hunt would find them. And how very inclement and how very unfastidious to know no better than to be on the wet ground. It serves her right.’

‘And now madam, it is you who is angry.’

‘Certainly not. But the hunting field is not the proper situation for the parting of a lady’s lower limbs other than upon her saddle. And even then it is not preferable for her to be mounted astride.’

‘Do you not agree that their blood, madam, must have been up. Or if they were leisurely doing gates together, I do believe they may have grown rather familiar. And then as often happens in our mild wintry countryside, a lady and gentleman so delegated, are pausing also to build back up walls, with the lady bending over and her behind flattened by tight breeches, does thereby give a gentleman the opportunity to take an unpremeditated fancy and that the parties then promptly, even in the deep mud, disrobe, and there entangled go splashing and sloshing.’

‘Sweet one I do wish the time of the month for me were different and then I would have you do more than to pull my leg.’

‘Madam honestly I do not pull your limb as enchanting as that should be to do. Quite seriously often when one is jumping a wall in chasing a backtracking fox one does find that there, sheltering in the lee of the boulders, there are pumping pairs of nude bottomed hunt members absolutely lust embroiled out of their minds and crazed with a lasciviousness that would be hard to believe.’

‘And how would you Master Kildare, like if I should give you a nice bath before you try to tell me any more tall stories. If you do not mind the little smell the water has of dead mice who rot in the water tank.’

‘Dead mice tend to sweeten the water madam. But do you really mean that madam. You will give me a bath.’

‘Yes I do really mean that. But do not let your eyes pop out.’

‘They are not popping out. But that would be most cordially splendid of you. And I do really most marvellously appreciate your so beautifully refurbishing my suit. You are, aren’t you, a really clever lady. You really are.’

‘Well really. Then you really come. And really flattery will get you far. And really right into the bath which really I shall as you say really draw for you. Which really stinks of dead mice.’

‘You mustn’t madam. I can’t help it if I really get excited.’

‘But ah I really like it when you do. I really do.’

‘And I shall never say that word again.’

‘Unless of course you are. Really excited.’

Darcy Dancer in his mother’s racing colours. Behind this bathroom door firmly locked. Candles burning in the chill steam rising from the copper. Disrobing before Miss von B. Was throbbingly thrilling. It really was. To have one’s penis stand up towards the ceiling pointing at her belt buckle. It felt distinctly ticklish, for want of a better word to use. And I do believe Miss von B was casting brief admiring looks at it. As I made it twitch up and down. She seemed to take such instant open hearted interest in such things. As often she would remark quite casually upon the enormity of Thunder and Lightning’s engorged penis when we had occasion to be together near that now sadly departed stallion. Who got an erection immediately any lady came within sniffing distance. Madam also had a certain fearlessness which was devilishly attractive. That she might do whatever I might saucily off the top of my head suggest to her.

‘Would you grab it madam. Please.’

‘Ah you are always so in readiness with that, are you not.’

‘It is I think merely the gush of blood to that part due to the bathroom chill.’

‘It is just as I say, your randiness. And you are twitching it.’

‘But your merely taking hold of it might calm it down.’

‘You devil.’

Although my penis kept mightily rigid I pretended that one was not in the least excited. After all one had posed this way for artists. But I was most embarrassed just as I, while lifting my leg to climb into the bath, without warning, hopelessly unintentionally but loudly and at length, farted. One bang followed about four others. And in utter anguished mortification I lowered myself to nearly drowning in the water and watched as she sniffed and then brought her finger pinching both her nostrils closed.

‘Peewewew.’

‘I do, my god, madam apologize. Honestly. I really do. It just came out.’

‘Ah but I really think at least you did it with a certain aristocratic charm. That is what matters my darling. My Darcy. My Dancer. It was just perhaps a trifle too big a bang for it to be royal but it was aristocratic enough.’

‘I do thank you for letting me off so easily. You could have pretended to be quite offended and I wouldn’t have in the least blamed you.’

‘Such things my dear darling are the real music of love. And often such tunes play long after the kisses have stopped.’

‘My goodness that is madam an awfully nice turn of phrase. You really are a one. Aren’t you. O dear that word again.’

Miss von B had with her a most elegant pedicure outfit in a black crocodile case, vaguely resembling one belonging to my mother. Pearl handled silver little instruments. Each with a coronet on the handle. Which did appear to be that of a Duke. But one has had enough of that thorny subject and that’s when I think I expanded my chest in order to present a muscular image to her which exertion put pressure on my belly and made me break wind. Serves me jolly right for showing off. I should have been enough content to enthrall Miss von B with my elevated penis. As the tip top of it was now doing as a periscope, lying back in these hot waters. Miss von B leaning over me smiling. Taking each of my hands in hers and with my wrist over the edge of the bath resting on a towel as she clipped my nails one by one. Pushing back the skin to show, she said, a little bit of moon. Then filing each gently round. Such divine deliciousness of the pressure of her fingertips on mine. Then taking each foot up over the side of the bath. And from each toe the nail was trimmed. She had rather to struggle a bit to cut my main ones.