J. Donleavy - The Destinies of Darcy Dancer, Gentleman

‘I’m not defying anybody.’

‘You rejected Supreme number two’s overtures this very afternoon. We want to know why.’

‘I just don’t want to join anything.’

‘I regret we do not accept that as sufficient reason.’

‘It’s my reason. I’m not a joiner.’

‘O. What a pity. You are then a lone wolf are you. We still don’t think that sufficient.’

‘I think it is.’

‘Well we unanimously don’t Kildare. Now. Your full name is Reginald Darcy Dancer Thormond Kildare. Is that not correct.’

‘Incorrect.’

‘Of course we already know it is correct. You have, have you not, rather barrelled your name up. It’s all right the Darcy but the Thormond and the Dancer. That’s all a bit much.’

‘My name is Reginald Darcy Thormond Dancer Kildare. And not Dancer Thormond.’

‘O. Good gracious. And dear me. But I believe that such a slight variation as that is referred to in legal circles as being de minimis.’

‘You don’t, do you, Kildare know what that means.’

‘It means to be of a significance so small as to be deserving of no remedy.’

‘Dear me, you are a clever sort. But anyway one could be forgiven for getting names like yours a little mixed up. Now tell us, what do you know of the death of the Viscount Horatio Nelson. He is you see our patron, absent in death of course. Our members learn everything there is to know about the noble admiral’s life. And it is the required duty of any of our members to once each term climb to the top of Nelson’s pillar in Dublin.’

‘I know little of him and care less and would not climb a mouse’s back in his honour.’

‘Ah just as Supreme number two has mournfully reported to us. You are cheeky, irreverent but spunky. And handy with words aren’t you. What if we were to tell you that we cannot tolerate such remarks.’

‘ Don’t.’

‘Don’t. O dear. Kildare, if you are not merely chancing your arm, you are for someone so recently arrived very much assured. But as you have yet to prove yourself to us you are not entitled to such haughty behaviour.’

‘I shall be as haughty as I damn well please.’

‘You mean that you are asking us to employ methods sanctioned by the Presidium and usually reserved for boys in lower forms, to make you see the light. I mean come come don’t for heaven’s sake try to make seeming shocking cads of us. We want to give you every chance. We want only to have a trim well run ship. And avoid floggings. We all benefit that way. Things are then conducted in a predictable manner. There are our circle wanks. A prize for those who can come off first. We have, as well, for those desiring, our own personal female slut. You would wouldn’t you Kildare like to know what it’s like to fuck a female. Or if one has made close friends with a boy of a lower form and you wish to have shall we say further and better particulars of his attractions. Well. Nothing could be simpler. Your privacy is ensured. Doesn’t that make sense to you.’

‘If you’re finished I should now like to return to my bed.’

‘We are not finished, not by a long chalk. Is that not so Supreme number two.’

‘Quite so Supreme number one.’

‘And so, Kildare, imagine, here you are. Totally at our mercy. And you choose to continue to behave like this. O well. I think the time has come to show you who is boss. And I hereby direct as empowered under the Presidium that the sanctions be imposed for infractions under the syllabus of punishments as constituted. Take his arms and legs Supreme two three four five.’

‘Touch me and each of you will regret it in turn.’

‘Grab him.’

‘Let go of me.’

‘Hold him, for god’s sake, hold him.’

‘Christ he’s strong.’

‘Hold him, get his head in a lock. Get him down, down.’

‘Bloody hell, don’t let him loose, knocking over the candles.’

‘Get him, the fucking bastard.’

‘O Christ, where the hell is everyone.’

‘I’ve got him.’

‘No you haven’t, you’ve got me you stupid bastard.’

‘A newspaper is alight.’

‘Put it out you sod.’

‘I can’t while this fucking Kildare is loose.’

‘I’ve got him.’

‘You’ve got me again, you sod.’

Crunching splintering timber. Of feet plunging through the worm eaten floorboards. A box sent bouncing. And one last candle sent flickering out. The smell of burning. And brightness once more. Of the pile of newspapers alight. And a box as well. Allowing all to see once again in this attic darkness. The milling bodies, grabbing twisting tugging and tumbling one on top of the other.

‘Something’s burning.’

‘Of course it is you stupid sod, put it out.’

‘Good lord somebody, there really is a fire, it’s going.’

‘Get this wretched Kildare first, get him.’

‘Eeeeke. Who’s got me. Someone’s got my balls.’

‘No need to scream about it.’

‘The ruddy wretch, stop him, he’s pulling my balls off.’

‘A randy devil like you will soon grow another pair.’

‘Voices down, you awful dumb ninnies, you’ll wake the dead.’

‘Well the place is ruddy well burning down, and that will ruddy well roast the dead.’

‘This is what it must have been like for Nelson at the battle of Trafalgar.’

‘Stop. This is Supreme number one speaking. Stop. I order it. The ruddy fire’s spreading. Let him go. Put the fire out. Put it out for god’s sake.’

‘There’s nothing to put it out with.’

‘Use jackets, anything.’

‘Good lord. The school is on fire. It’s ruddy well on fire. It ruddy well is.’

‘Let’s then get the ruddy hell out of here.’

‘Get water out of the tank.’

‘How, you stupid wretch.’

‘Climb in. Overflow it or something.’

‘You overflow it. I’m not drowning in there.’

‘We can’t let the whole school burn down.’

In the orange licking light, Supreme number three, climbing up and over the sides of the tank. Splashing in the water. Supreme number two coughing and eyes smarting.

‘That’s no fucking good. It’s not reaching the fire.’

‘Break the pipe.’

‘You can’t.’

‘Well you can’t get water like that.’

‘O God. The fumes. This is awful. I can’t breathe.’

‘Raise the alarm.’

‘Shut up, I’m giving commands. Quick all grab the pipe. Come on Kildare. You’re in this too. Break it. Altogether. When I count to three. One. Two. Three. Heave. Christ.’

The pipe wrenched from its join at the foot of the tank. Water shooting out in a jet across the attic floor, and splashing up against a joist supporting the roof.

‘Good God all that’s going to do is flood the entire school.’

‘Let’s get out of here. And anyone who breathes a word about this will answer to the Presidium.’

‘Look at it, the flames are spreading right along those dead ivy leaves. Right down the whole attic. There won’t even be a Presidium if you don’t get out of here fast.’

The trapdoor to the water closet pulled open. A whoosh of air coming in along with the electric light. Flames suddenly waxing brighter. Feverish hands grabbing. Count the silhouette of heads. Five figures crouched. The ladder lowered down. Supreme number one clambering into this much sought after aperture. To take an instantly ill appreciated precedence in exiting.

‘I say Supreme number one, that’s not awfully exemplary, leaving the rest of us behind. Certainly not in the spirit of Nelson who would be the last to leave his sinking ship.’

‘Shut up number three, this is a ruddy burning school not a ruddy ship. Besides with you stupidly soaking wet and diving in the water tank, I have to be at the bottom of the ladder first to count to make sure no one else has followed your feeble minded example and is left behind drowning.’