Irvine Welsh - A Decent Ride

— Yir lookin excited, pal, Terry goes.

— Kin ah hire clubs thaire, Terry?

Terry looks a wee bit sad. — Naw, mate, ye cannae play this time cause it’s aw arranged in advance wi Ronnie n the Danish boys.

— Aw.

— You kin caddy for ays but, mate, ye think ye could dae that?

— Aye sur, caddy, ah could, aye aye aye. .

— But yi’ll need tae stey quiet but, cause it’s an awfay important game. We widnae just huv anybody caddy at such an important game, mate.

— Aye sur, awfay important, ah goes, — n ah’ll try tae keep quiet, aye ah will.

— Sound.

Wi gits tae the gowf coorse, n it’s the maist pan-loafy gowf coorse ah’ve ever seen! Aye, suren it is! Aw big cars in the car park n snobby boys in blazers that check ye before lettin ye in! N thaire’s a bar in thaire n it’s even better thin the hospitality at Tynecastle! Ah dinnae even ken if Ryan Stevenson wid git in here, wi aw they neck tattoos. Lucky we’re wi Ronnie, so wi gits in awright, aye wi dae! Cause the bar’s awfay posh, n wi panelled wid but awfay auld panelled wid thit wid taste aw auld, no like the fresh panelled wid at Tyney. Thaire’s paintins ay auld golf boys oan the waws, the biggest ower the marble fireplace ay a boy in a daft wig n a rid coat. — How could they play good in a daft rid coat n wig, Terry? ah goes.

— They jist could, pal, Terry sais.

Thaire’s nae time for a drink at the pan-loafy bar, cause thaire’s two Danish boys, baith ay whae Terry n Ronnie seem tae ken. N a wee guy in a jaykit. So wir aw right doon tae the coorse, oot oan that first tee at the gowf! Aye, so it’s Terry n Ronnie, me caddyin, n wir up against they Danish boys that nivir talk much. Ah goes, — Youse’ve goat bacon at your bit, cause ye see it oan the telly, aye sur, ye do, Danish bacon, ye see it oan the telly ower here, but the boys dinnae say nowt cause mibbe they cannae understand the Queen’s English like the Germans kin. So wir at the first hole n Terry drives off, straight doon the fairway. A par-five hole. Aye. Par five. The second shot isnae sae good but. — Coo’s-ersed it, Ronnie, Terry shouts.

Terry’s third shot bounces oantae the green but the Lars boy gits thaire in three tae. — Aye. . yuv goat thum now, Terry, ah goes, giein encouragemint, aye sur, encouragemint.

Terry pits a finger tae ehs mooth n goes, — Shh, mate.

Ah tries tae cause ye dinnae want tae pit people oaf, even if it’s jist a boatil ay whisky thir playin fir. Terry said it wis special whisky, but. Other Dane Jens goes for a big batter, but his drive goes aw tae one side n lands in the bunker! Eh gits sort ay trapped under the lip and takes five shots to get oot! Ah’m gaun, — Aye, trapped under the lip.

See, at the next few holes but, that Jens boy is tons better. — That Jens is a fuckin machine, Terry says to Ronnie.

— I know, there oughtta have been more of a handicap on that goddamn Swede!

— He’s a Dane, Ronnie, Terry goes.

— Same goddamn thing, Ronnie says, but ah ken it’s no, cause he widnae like it if ye sais thit Americans n Mexicans are the same, cause thir different, like the fullums in Fullum Station Fower tell us. — Goddamn Viking pillaging bloodthirsty rapists who turn into stone-cold assassins with their socialised everything, and then have the gall to tell us we’re the warmongering assholes!

Terry’s no listenin but, eh’s concentratin oan the gowf n eh squints ehs eyes tae see the flag. It’s the number eight hole. — That’s the beauty ay golf, Jonty, he sais, — it’s a swedge against nature, and a swedge against yirsel. A gowf coorse can be the lassie thit’s been snoggin ye n rubbin up against ye aw night, whae then suddenly turns round and slaps yir puss for nowt.

Ah’m tryin tae think aboot aw the things that Terry sais, but Ronnie sort ay butts in. — Terry, all those observations are very interesting, but please concentrate, eh goes n looks across at that Lars, — this is serious business.

— Ah dinnae ken aboot aw this business stuff, Ronnie, that’s your gig, Terry goes, — I’m jist here tae drive n play a bit ay gowf.

— Dammit, Terry, Ronnie goes, lookin ower at the Dane fellys, — you know how fucking high the stakes are!

Terry jist grins n fixes ehs basebaw cap tae keep the sun oot ay his eyes. Aye, it keeps it fae gaun intae thum. — The key is tae stey relaxed, right, wee man, eh winks at ays.

— Aye sur, relaxed, aye, aye aye. . n Ronnie’s face is rid but Terry lines up this putt, crouchin doon and stickin oot the club like they dae oan the telly. Then eh gits up n rolls it right intae the hole!

— Goddamn putt! Woo-hoo! Ronnie clenches his fist n lits a loat ay air oot. — That’s us level!

Terry nods over at Lars and Jens, as we walk doon tae the ninth tee. — Been readin a lot aboot philosophy n the art ay competition, Ronnie, Terry sais. — Books educate ye.

Ronnie sortay nods n takes a big club fae the bag ah huds up for um. — Have you read my books, Success: Do Business the Checker Way or Leadership: Seize the Moment With Ron Checker ?

— Naw, mate, Terry sais as Jens comes up tae the tee and belts the baw doon the fairway, — ah’m readin proper literature. Ever read that Moby-Dick ?

— Yes. . but not since college, Ronnie goes. — These books don’t really help you in life, Terry. Now, take Success , that was on the New York Times best-seller list for –

— Wait the now, Ronnie, Terry sortay cuts in. — Moby-Dick wis aboot this cunt chasin a whale, right? Ah see masel as that boy, only instead ay bein obsessed wi the whale, wi me it’s fanny, n the taxi’s like ma boat. So instead ay Captain Ahab, ye kin call me Captain Acab.

— I don’t follow.

— Scottish humour, Ronnie. Goat tae be in wi the in-crowd tae appreciate it, ay, Jonts?

— Aye. . aye. . Scottish, ah goes, — aye, guid Scottish tongue. . But ah dinnae ken what eh’s talkin aboot either. Ronnie sais nowt, n jist tears oaf.

See, if ah wisnae caddyin, ah wid be watchin this game anyway cause it’s double barry. Terry n Ronnie go ahead. Then it’s like a draw but wi the gowf wurd for a draw. Then the Danish boys go ahead. Then it’s back tae bein a draw again.

My legs are gittin awfay sair, aye they are that, but wi gits tae the last hole n it’s like a draw. Everybody’s aw tense. N ah sais, — See, if we go tae London, Terry, will we meet they lassies?

— Aye. Well, you will, mate. It’s aw aboot the hole.

N Terry drives oaf, right doon the fairway. Ronnie’s shot’s even better! And ehs next shot! The Danish boys cannae keep up! Ah’m aw excited as they aw drive oantae the green. Ah cannae even look, ah turns away when they goes tae putt. Aye sur, ah turns away n pits ma fingers in ma ears n ah’m lookin up at the big woods, but thinkin aboot Jinty, ma perr wee Jinty in that pillar, muh ma explodin, perr Alec, Terry’s real faither, n ehs maggoty boaby, n Maurice wi ehs big eyes in they glesses. . thir aw deid, aw gone, thi’ll aw be waitin on me above they trees, in that blue sky. N ah hears a funny ghost voice in the distance. .

— JONTY!

Then ah turns tae see Terry’s mooth open. Ah takes ma fingers oot ma ears, n eh’s shoutin ays ower!

Ah goes ower. Ronnie’s shakin. Terry’s yin’s the only baw left oan the green n it’s aboot six fit fae the hole. Aye sur, six fit. Ronnie’s shakin, ehs hands oan ehs club. The Danish boys are aw white-faced but sayin nowt. Terry looks intae ma eyes. — What dae you think Ian Black said tae Craig Thomson eftir the game?

Ah thinks aboot this yin. Ah ken thit the real answer wid be ‘thanks fir helpin us beat they durty Hobos’ but ah cannae say that cause ay Terry bein yin. It widnae help um wi the putt. So ah whispers, — Wir aw Jock Tamson’s bairns.