Irvine Welsh - A Decent Ride

We stoaps along this beach but it’s aw rocky. Like whin ye’d go tae the beach as a bairn thinkin it would be sand n ye’d be in yir bare feet but it wid be aw rocky. Thaire’s a few cottages in the distance. It makes ays sad cause it wid be barry if me n Jinty wir livin in one ay thum, n thaire wid be a nice auld wummun like Mrs Cuthbertson next door, n ye could bring stuff back fae the shoaps fir her cause it wid be an awfay long walk wi her auld legs. N thaire wid be nae cocaine, no by the sea. Naw thir wid not.

The boy Ronnie’s goat us met up wi they other boys, whae ur pointin at things and showin um aw they drawins n plans. Terry n me’s sittin against the cab, n he’s huvin a fag. Eh’s goat a nice cigarette case, jist like yin Maurice used tae huv. Aye, Terry’s started smokin again, n eh’s pit oan the weight n aw. Ah feel like tellin um no tae cause ay Maurice. — What’s yir mate daein, Terry? Buildin something?

— Aye, some fuckin gowf course n flats. Ah dinnae ken what the muppet’s oan aboot half the time.

— That’s a shame cause it’s a barry view, aw the wey doon tae the sea.

— Who gies a fuck but, ay? Terry finishes the fag n flicks the end away. — Aw fucked now but, ay, mate.

Ah dinnae like tae see Terry talkin like this, cause it should be a happy Terry, cause Terry’s normally happy Terry wi a cheesy wee grin oan ehs face. — Is it cause yir sad aboot yir real faither Alec in the graveyard wi aw the creepy bugs? Ah git sad aboot muh ma explodin, n wee Jinty. . bein away, ah sais, thinkin ay Jinty, wearin a white dress, steppin oantae a tram.

— Naw. . it’s like ah’ve goat a bad hert, Jonty.

— Naw yuv no, Terry! Yuv goat a guid hert! It’s the boys fae that Pub Wi Nae Name, thir the yins wi the bad herts! No you!

Terry forces a cheery wee smile. — Naw, mate, yir no gittin me. It’s medical like, fae the doaktirs. It means ah cannae dae certain things. Like make love tae a lassie.

Ah’m gaunny say thit ah cannae dae that now either, but that wid be wrong cause ay Karen. — Is it cause ay the maggots comin oot ay yir real faither Alec’s boaby? Cause that sortay haunts me n aw, Terry, aye it does, sur.

— Nowt tae dae wi that, Terry goes. — The only time ah’d worry aboot maggots comin oot ay some cunt’s cock wid be if it wis mine they wir comin oot ay. It’s this ticker. Eh pats his chist. — Shaggin pits a strain oan it. Eh looks at the fag end eh’s flicked away. — Ah shouldnae be smokin n pittin oan weight. . ah might as well jist go fir a decent ride, the wey ah’m fuckin masel up, n eh screws ehs face up n punches the side ay the cab hard.

— Aw, ah goes.

— Ye ken what, n eh shakes ehs heid n looks oot tae the sea, — ah thought that ah jist wanted ma hole aw the time cause ah wis this rampant shagger that hud tae blaw ehs muck, or thit it wis jist pure ego, like tae bang as many different burds as possible, ay, n eh turns tae me wi a wee grin oan ehs face. — But ah realise that that wis aw shite. It’s because ah think lassies are fuckin gorgeous, n ah want tae make thum happy. Tae please thum. Ah’m a pleaser, but ah’ve failed at pleasin people in every other wey, so that’s ma thing. Ah love seein a burd huvin a great time, gittin wild n aw lit up, n huvin a barry climax, n then gaun ‘ah needed that’ or ‘that wis fucking amazing’. That sort ay feedback makes ays feel ten feet tall.

Ah’m lookin at um n ah dinnae really understand what eh’s sayin but ah sortay dae n aw cause ah think aboot whin ah made Jinty happy.

— Here’s the point, Terry goes, — lassies urnae pit here fir ma gratification, it’s totally the other wey around, ay.

Ah dinnae really ken what eh means but Terry kens ah dinnae ken withoot me huvin tae say ah dinnae ken. Aye sur, eh does.

— Ah’m pit oan this Earth tae please thaim, eh goes. — That’s ma only role, n now it’s gone. Now ah’m nothing! See, if it wisnae fir the gowf –

— Yir no nothing but, Terry, wuv goat the gowf. . yir a great pal tae me, cause yir the only yin that disnae take the pish, aye sur, ye are that.

Then Terry looks at me aw strange. It makes ays feel aw bad inside. — How dae you ken that though, mate? How dae you ken what ah’ve done in the past?

Ah stert tae say something back aboot him huvin a good hert, even though it’s an ill hert, whin Terry goes, — Listen, mate, ah’m gaunny dae something for you. You need a wee brek, tae git away for a bit.

— Aye, but ah’ve goat tae wait fir the trams. . fir Jinty. .

— The trams’ll be ages yet, n Jinty. . well. . ye huv tae move on, mate.

N ah’m thinkin aboot this n how ah dinnae like Karen comin through in the night tae ays. — Aye, ah could dae wi a brek.

— Ma mate Simon in London is gaunny pit ye up. You’ll meet some nice lassies; some ay the lassies ah showed ye in they scud flicks.

They lassies wir awfay durty wi Terry n other laddies, but seemed nice, n they wirnae owerfat like oor Karen. — Aye? That wid be double barry! Aye sur, aye sur, aye sur. .

— Ah’ve got ye a ticket doon thaire, Terry goes. — Ah ken ye need tae get away, mate, n eh hands ays a ticket fir a train. For London!

— Ah’ve nivir been tae London, ah goes. — Ah’ve been oan a train but. Tae Aberdeen n tae Glesgay.

— Well, you’ll be screen-tested, mate. Tae git intae they vids ah showed ye, the yins wi me n they barry lassies? Before ma hert? Mind ma space yins, Invasion Uranus n the sequel, Assault on Uranus ? Ah wis the space pirate whae stumbled on the colony ay lesbo scientists at thair research station on Uranus?

— Aye, ah do that, aye sur, that ah do. . that wis barry, Terry! Ye think ah could be a durty fullum star like you?

— Well, if ye satisfy thaim, you’ll be in. . shoatie, Terry goes, as Ronnie comes back. Eh’s shakin hands wi the boys, n they go n git intae another car.

— Awright? Terry looks at Ronnie, as eh climbs intae the cab.

— Local democracy in action, the Ronnie boy smiles. — It sure is a beautiful thing! Now let’s get to Muirfield and fuck those Swedes!

— Turned oot a rerr day, ah goes.

The Ronnie boy grins at ays. — You know, Jonty, sometimes with the way you look at me, I dunno if you’re the dumbest asshole on this planet, or if you think I am!

— Mibbe it’s baith but, Ronnie. .

— Maybe it’s both! This guy! Ronnie laughs.

Terry turns round n sais, — Ye shouldnae be talkin tae him like that.

— Easy, Terry! He knows I’m just bustin his balls!

— Aye, right. .

— Are you okay? You seem uptight. You gotta relax for golf, Terry, it’s a Zen art –

— Ah ken that, n ah’ll be awright when we get there.

— Well, keep calm. Remember, I’m the one that’s got it all to lose. Bottle number three of the Trinity!

Ah goes, — Is it a guid coorse, this yin wir gaun tae?

— Is it good? Ronnie goes, ehs eyes aw bulgin oot. — It’s Muirfield! This is the Honourable Company of Edinburgh Golfers, one of the world’s great clubs, founded in Leith back in 1744. .

— Aye. . guid coorse. .

—. . and it’s hosted the British Open Championship, one of the world’s great tournaments, fifteen times.

— Wid ah huv seen that coorse oan the telly, wid ah, Ronnie? Terry?

— Yes, of course.

— Aye, it’s been oan the telly tons ay times, mate, Terry goes. — Tiger Woods n that. The black boy. But sort ay Chinky n aw.

— Aye, aye, aye, the Chinky boy, ah mind ay the Chinky boy. . ah goes, n Terry n Ronnie ur talkin aboot gowf n whisky n Danish boys. Ah’m kiddin oan ah’m readin ma paper at first, but then ah sortay really am. It’s goat that lassie oot ay the Spice Girls, whae’s sayin thit she nivir found true happiness wi a felly. Ah’d mairry her n treat her good n gie her barry boaby rides every night, cause she looks nice n kind. But mibbe it’s an auld picture. Aye sur, mibbe it is. N the lassies that Terry makes the fullums wi are probably jist as kind as any Spice lassie n they love dirty boaby rides n aw! Aye, ye kin tell! Aye sur, ye kin that!