Nicola Barker - Wide Open

She lifted the sheet and saw his two mutilated feet.

“Jim!”

He opened his eyes.

“Look,” he mumbled, “my arm.” He pointed to his arm. “Those white marks are where he touched me.”

“What have you done?”

Connie did not look at the white marks.

“I said what have you done?”

“I’m wide open,” Jim said, smiling, “like a stinking can of worms.”

“Sit up,” Connie spoke calmly.

He considered her request for a moment but then obliged her clumsily.

“I know a doctor,” she said, “I’ll take you there.”

“No doctors.” Jim shook his head.

“It’s all right,” Connie said firmly, “can you walk?”

“I don’t know.”

Connie went into the bathroom and returned with a roll of toilet paper. She began to unwind it, then crouched down and rewound it around the ends of each of Jim’s feet.

“You were never even in a rain forest, were you?” she asked, almost conversationally.

“Never.”

Jim inspected his wadded-up feet bemusedly. Connie gathered the bloody sheets and stuck them into the fireplace. She found the carrier bag and its grizzly contents. She swallowed hard, picked them up, and added them to the sheets. She put some logs on to the fire and lit them. Her hands were shaking. On the sofa she saw the letters. She took them and burned them, one by one. Then she picked up the razor from the place where it lay on the carpet, ran it under a tap and put it back into the bathroom cabinet.

Through the front window she saw Lily, still swimming about in the sea. She walked back to the bedroom again. Jim sat where she’d left him. He was rubbing his eyes.

“Lily’s outside,” she said, “but she’s in the sea. Do you need anything?”

“My hat,” he said. She found a woollen cap and threw it over to him. He pulled it on. “My shoes,” he said, and pointed. Connie went and picked up Ronny’s white shoes. She stared at them, scowling, then handed them over. Jim put them down on to the floor and slowly pushed his two feet into them. Even with the tissues, the shoes almost fitted. He winced, then frowned.

“These aren’t my shoes,” he said. And his mind turned back to the bridge and the wasp and the sting. Connie put out her arm to help him up. He let her. His balance was all gone. “Do you need anything else?” she asked, as they staggered, with difficulty, towards the door. He shook his head. “No. Nothing.”

She pulled the door open. The wind hit them. Jim grabbed her arm even harder for support. They stepped outside. Lily was swimming far out in the waves. At first she didn’t see them. They made their way back, quietly, towards the road and the car.

“Ronny!”

A distant voice, but insistent.

“Ronny!”

Connie let go of Jim’s arm. He was suddenly on his own. He looked down at himself for a moment. He wobbled slightly. But he kept his balance. He turned. He saw Lily, waving at him, jumping around in the surf.

“Wave at her, Ronny,” Constance said, her eyes steady and calm on him. Ronny paused, he thought for a moment, then he slowly raised his right hand and waved at Lily with it. Lily waved back at him. Then he smiled, turned, and they both staggered on again.

♦

“Don’t you think it’s beautiful?” Lily said, inspecting the half-completed back wall of shells. Luke frowned. He was loading stuff into the boot of his car. “It’s just shells,” he said, “isn’t it?”

“I suppose so,” Lily shivered. “Do you have a shirt I could borrow?”

“You need one,” Luke said drily, “you’re way out of the nudist section. I should call the police. I should have you arrested.”

“Good,” Lily said, “you’d be doing me a favour.”

Her moon-face split into a grin.

“You have strong teeth,” Luke said, “but very gappy.”

“You stink like a kipper,” Lily said.

“That’s only sex you smell on me,” Luke said, undaunted, “and it frightens the hell out of you.”

“If that’s sex I smell,” Lily said sweetly, “then take me to a fucking nunnery.”

Luke noticed that she was slowly turning purple. He headed back towards his prefab.

There was a nip in the air. Lily wrapped her arms around herself. When Luke re-emerged with a spare shirt and saw her, she reminded him of her mother. Of Sara. There was an icy wind blowing. A winter wind. She was facing right into it.

“Do you need anything else?” he asked. “Because I’m actually very busy…”

“Ssshhhhhh!”

Lily pressed her finger to her lips, and turned into the wind again, her eyes glowing.

“What?” he scowled at her. She shook her head and kept her finger where it was.

“What?” he repeated.

♦

I dreamed I saw you dead in a place by the water. A ravaged place. All flat and empty and wide open. And you were covered in some kind of binding. Like a mummy. Something white and reflective, from head to toe .

And the light shone on you. Oh, how it shone on you! It glanced off you, and it was like a pure, bright silver .

The wind was singing. It sang: you have suffered enough. You have suffered enough .

Then death came and he kissed you. Lightly. Gently. Upon the lips. There is nothing beyond, he whispered, only me, only me .

There is nothing beyond .

Only me .

EOF