David Vann - Aquarium

I’ll turn it up now, slowly, my mother said, and she adjusted and tested and adjusted again as our feet thawed. You get chilblains if you go too fast, she said. Never go straight into hot water.

What are chilblains? Shalini asked.

I don’t know, my mother said. But you can get them if you don’t do this. And they’re bad.

Shalini hugging herself, as if we were still standing on the porch, until the water rose high enough and hot enough that she relaxed. My mother bent over the tub between us, swirling the water, and the two of us naked and looking at each other, waiting for her to leave. Shalini’s eyes.

It seemed like forever before my mother left us and closed the door. We met in the middle, our knees touching underwater, and had the softest kisses. Our faces damp in the steam, hair stuck to our cheeks. My spine lifting out of my back and making the rest of me curl. I couldn’t believe how silky her lips were, and I slid along them and closed my eyes and thought this was so perfect.

Did you find the shampoo? my mother asked as she came in. My arms jerked back from around Shalini, lightning-quick movement of shame and fear but not fast enough.

What are you doing? My mother’s voice a whisper.

I couldn’t answer. Her face looked disgusted. I’ll never forget that. I’ll never be able to, and I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive her.

Shalini had collapsed down into the water, hiding, but I remained upright on my knees and just could not believe my mother’s face, all love gone and only disgust, looking at me as if I were garbage.

No, my mother said. No. You are not going to do this to me.

What’s wrong? my grandfather asked, and then he looked in, and I covered my chest with my arms, sank down lower. What happened? he asked.

Stay out of this, my mother said.

But what is it?

My mother’s mouth hanging open in some vicious look, and I didn’t want to love her less, but I did from that moment on. Something I felt for her died right then, so quickly I don’t really understand.

You have to tell me, my grandfather said, his voice rising. What the hell is going on?

What’s happening? Steve asked, ducking his head in.

They were kissing. They were making out in the bathtub.

Really? Steve asked.

My mother turned her rage on Steve. Don’t sound interested. You will never see me again.

Jesus, he said, and he slipped away.

I thought someone was hurt, my grandfather said. I thought something terrible had happened.

And this is not terrible, that your granddaughter is turning into a little dyke?

Sheri. Slow down here. Caitlin and Shalini are both good kids. If they’ve kissed, maybe they’re a little confused or something, but they haven’t done something wrong.

I won’t raise a pussy licker. Shalini, get out of the fucking tub right now. You’re going home, and you’re never seeing Caitlin again.

Sheri! my grandfather yelled, and I could see him as a father for the first time.

But my mother ignored him. She stalked over and grabbed Shalini by the hair and yanked her out of the tub, dripping and naked and grabbing at my mother’s arm, trying to free herself.

Stop it! I screamed, and I was out of the tub but fell on the slick wood and was too slow. They were clogged at the doorway, my mother trying to get through, pulling Shalini, and my grandfather blocking as if this doorway led to somewhere important, as if this were the gate that had to be guarded. He had grabbed my mother’s shoulders but was pushed back into the living room.

The violence has to stop, Sheri. You’re violent, and it’s not okay.

I’ll show you violence, she said, and she punched straight ahead with her right fist. Something I could hear, and he caved, punched right in the heart. He let go of her and took a few steps backward and then just sat on the floor, collapsed. His mouth open, unable to get a breath.

I didn’t know who to run to, my grandfather on the floor or Shalini with her hair twisted in my mother’s fist. Shalini crying and wet and naked, exposed, and I went for my mother’s arm and bit down through her shirt and into flesh. It seems so animal now, but everything about that day was barbaric, and how else could I get her to let go? I wasn’t strong enough for any other way.

My mother hit me very hard then, in the face, a popping sound in my head and the world closing, and I fell back onto the floor and somehow didn’t pass out. I saw my mother let go of Shalini and come to me, touching me, her face in close, sorry, but Shalini pushed her out of the way and held my head in both hands and kissed me.

How do you recover from a day like that? My grandfather on the floor trying to breathe, Shalini and I naked and wet and both hurt, my mother crawled away into her own corner, Steve hiding. How do you put a family back together, and how do you forgive?

Caitlin, my mother said. My baby. I’m sorry.

She was tucked against the wall at the end of the couch, her hands up to her face, hiding her mouth. Hands in fists like a boxer defending. She seemed animal. The fact that she could talk didn’t seem to fit at all. I watched her as I would something at the zoo, removed for the first time, distant.

My grandfather leaning back propped on his hands, as if he were lounging on the grass or at the beach, but his eyes were closed and his mouth looked like pain. I don’t think I had a heart attack, he said. I think I’m okay.

Someone needed to help us, all of us. Someone needed to help my grandfather up, and check my face, and dry off Shalini and put her in clothing, and somehow take care of my mother. But Steve had vanished, still hiding somewhere in the kitchen or a bedroom, failing to appear, and there was no one else.

My face was sore but strangely not broken and not even very painful. That popping sound must have been my mother’s hand. Shalini so gentle, fingers on my cheek and then kissing me again.

I just can’t watch that, my mother said. You don’t know what it’s like. None of you know. I wasn’t even a dyke, but I’ve been called one plenty of times, working construction. And called a muff diver on stage when I danced with another woman. Men love the idea of two women together. They want to watch and then kill. You’ll be hated all your life.

I think the world is different now, my grandfather said. I think they’ll be okay.

You don’t know anything. And I can’t watch it. I won’t have it in my house. Shalini is going home now. I’m sorry about what I did. But Shalini is going home now, and she’s never going to come over again, and I don’t want Caitlin to see her at school.

My grandfather heaved forward onto his hands and knees and then stood. He walked to the kitchen table and I could see Steve back there, standing with his arms crossed and one hand to his mouth, looking afraid.

Matches, my grandfather said, and he pulled open a drawer. This is a box of matches. He lit one, a flick and flash, and then turned to the table and lifted the contract, and he brought it over the sink and lit the lower corner and held it up as the flame grew and devoured. There’s your contract, he said. Notarized and burned. And the house is not going in your name tomorrow. I don’t care anymore what you think of me, or whether you’ll ever forgive me. All I care about now is protecting Caitlin and Shalini. So you have a choice. If you want this house, if you want to go back to school and stop working your job, you’ll let me take you tomorrow to find some help. Some counseling. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to protect you, but I’m going to protect Caitlin and Shalini now, and Shalini can stay here tonight if she wants, and she’ll always be welcome. And she and Caitlin can do whatever they want. It all looks like love to me.