Alain Mabanckou - Tomorrow I'll Be Twenty

Uncle René’s put a sign on the gate in big letters that says:

BEWARE FEROCIOUS DOG 24/7.

When I see ‘24/7’ I think: So when is Miguel ever NOT ‘ferocious’? Does he ever sleep? I do a quick sum in my head. Given that there are 365 days in the year — sometimes 366 — and a day lasts 24 hours, and an hour lasts 60 minutes, and a minute lasts 60 seconds, and a second is divided into sixty degrees, calculate in seconds the length of time during which a dog which is ‘ferocious’ 24/7 is ferocious over a period of five and a half years…

So there I am, at the entrance to Uncle René’s house. At Christmas I have to visit Uncle René with the truck and plastic rake and shovel he gave me a few days earlier. I play mostly with Kevin, who’s eleven, and Sebastien who’s nine. You can’t play with Edwige, who’s fifteen, and is always telling us off when we run around in the house, and climb on her father’s armchairs without taking our shoes off.

I didn’t want to come to Uncle René’s house today, but Maman Pauline said her brother would be cross if I didn’t go to see him; he’d think we resented the fact that he was richer than us. And besides, I do have his family name. Maman Pauline told me to go and take a shower, to scrub under my armpits, my backside and where I pee. I don’t like it when she says that. Does any normal person ever have a shower without washing under their armpits, their backside and where they pee? If you don’t wash there, why take a shower at all?

‘When you were a baby and I washed those bits, you always cried,’ she reminds me.

I gave them a good scrub. After that she picked out a pair of blue underpants, some black shorts, a nice white shirt, a black bow tie and rubber sandals. She put my truck and my plastic rake and shovel in a bag.

It was nearly midday, and it was already very hot, even in the shade. Just outside the door to our plot, Maman Pauline warned me, ‘Don’t get lost on the way. You go down the Avenue of Independence, turn right, then carry on till you get to the Savon quartier then you turn into the Rue Comapon. Watch out for cars and only cross the road when there’s a grown up crossing. Walk directly behind them. Behave yourself, don’t fall out with Kevin and Sebastien. I’ll be here when you get back this evening, your father too.’

I nearly asked her why she’s telling me where Uncle René’s house is, when I know how to get there. I said nothing though, and set off walking down the Avenue of Independence.

I felt a bit scared when I got to Uncle René’s gate. I was thinking: Is Miguel properly tied up to the sour sap tree? The reason I wondered that was because I’ve known that dog since he was a tiny little baby, but my uncle says that dog years and human years aren’t the same thing. A dog’s childhood is really short, they grow up much faster than humans. When a dog’s six months old he’d be ten if he was a person. When a dog’s one year old, he’d be fifteen if he was a person. When a dog’s five years old he’d be thirty-six if he was a person. Now, Miguel is five and a half years old. If he was a human being he would be forty-six years old now, and that makes him an old man compared to me even though I knew him when he was really small, and gave him his milk, which he really liked. So I don’t like the way he barks at me when I come to Uncle René’s house like I’m some kind of evil spirit come to steal my uncle’s riches.

The boy has seen it’s me ringing the bell, and he opens the gate. He looks me up and down as though he’s thinking: What’s young Michel with his ridiculous bow tie got hidden in his bag then?

Miguel’s barking at the back of the house, but he’s firmly tied up. First I see Kevin, who’s as thin as a reed, with his little head on top of a long neck, like a half-starved giraffe. We’re outside the front door and Sebastien’s just behind him. We say hello, and shake hands.

I go into the day room, I see they’ve got their toys out. Kevin’s got a bicycle. Sebastien’s been given a car that works with batteries and he’s explaining to me that he can play with it without touching it. I don’t believe him. He shows me a machine which controls his car, it’s small with little buttons: ‘That button’s to switch it on. That one makes it go straight. That one makes it turn left. That one’s to turn right. That one’s to make it turn round and come back. And that one’s to make it stop, and to turn off the engine, but you have to press it twice, or the car won’t understand what you want it to do. Here, try and switch it on and see what happens.’

Just as I’m about to press the start button someone behind us yells: ‘STOP! STOP! STOP!’

It’s Edwige, who’s just come out of the shower. Her hair’s still wet. She looks really tall, but she’s got spots all over her face, like someone with shrapnel in the World War. The last time I saw her she didn’t have that. But it’s true, I haven’t seen her for ages.

‘What are you doing? Papa says you’re not to touch those presents now! Honestly! Who said you could open them anyway? You’d better put all that away! And stop jumping on that chair with your shoes on!’

Sebastien ignores his sister. He’s still trying to hand me the machine that controls the car. I don’t know if I should take it or not. Edwige has disappeared into her room, she comes back with a switch made of vine creeper. Sebastien runs to put his present back by the chimney and then dashes outside. Miguel hears us running about the grounds and starts barking his head off. He barks so loud that we don’t even hear the car coming into the garage. Uncle René’s arrived, with his wife Auntie Marie-Thérèse.

Now we’ve sat down to eat. I hate the way they eat in silence at Uncle René’s. All you can hear is the sound of spoons and forks and you have to keep your mouth shut when you’re chewing your food. Not only that — you have to keep your eyes on your own plate. If you look at someone else’s plate, Uncle René kicks you under the table with his pointed shoes, it’s like being poked with a javelin. It hurts for days afterwards. Several times he’s got me on the shin, once or twice on the ankle, I was seeing stars for days. For the first few seconds it doesn’t hurt, you even feel really surprised and pleased because you don’t feel anything. Then all of a sudden, just when you thought it was over, the pain comes right up into your stomach, you feel it moving about in your small intestine and your pancreas, and your heart starts leaping about like a baby kangaroo in its mother’s pouch. Then you throw up on the spot because how can you swallow your juicy piece of meat when you’ve got a pain going up from your ankle or your tibia into your stomach?

The trouble is, while I eat, I keep an eye on other people’s plates to see if I need to eat more quickly than them to catch up or whether I should slow down a bit if I’m ahead of everyone else. Uncle René can’t stand that. He says it’s how a capitalist’s child would behave, already accumulating wealth at the expense of the Wretched of the Earth. He thinks if I look at Kevin and Sebastien’s plates, when they are the biggest eaters on earth, it means I envy them their pieces of meat. Even in the Russian films that come to the cinema Rex or cinema Roy, people don’t eat like my cousins do. In Russian films they’re only pretending to eat, that’s what Lounès says, anyway. When the Russians eat in a film it’s always faked. It’s not real food like in French films, because the French eat for real. Besides, they talk with their mouths full, even though it’s rude to behave like a savage especially since they’re meant to be the Whites.

The photo of Lenin on the wall is crooked. The one of Karl Marx too. Perhaps it’s the wind that does it, when you open the front door. Engels is sad because he never sees daylight. The immortal Marien Ngouabi is sad too, maybe because his photo is the smallest of the four. I’m sure his moustache has grown since the last time I ate here.