Dave Eggers - Your Fathers, Where Are They? And the Prophets, Do They Live Forever?

— I’m glad you feel that way.

— But then they pulled the Shuttle from you. And I thought, Ah, there it is again. The bait and switch. The inevitable collapse of anything seeming solid. The breaking of every last goddamned promise on Earth. But for a while there you were a god. You promised you’d become an astronaut and you became one. Just one thing after another, except that one year, which I’ll ask you about later. I know a few things about that one year.

— Jesus Christ. You know, I keep thinking I’ll wake up. I mean, I know this is a nightmare, but it’s one of those ones where you can’t wake up.

— Kev, you talking to yourself now?

— Go fuck yourself.

— Kev, I’m really serious about the swearing. Stop it. I don’t like it from you. I really don’t, and I won’t accept it. I will actually do what I can to stop you from cursing more.

— Fuck you.

— Kev. Last warning. I honestly mean it. You must know by now I’m a man of some resolve. When I determine to do something, I do it, just like you. I brought you here, and I have a taser here, and I’m sure I can find some other tools around that will be unpleasant. And the fact that I’ve never done anything violent in my life will not be good for you. It’ll make me messy, and I’ll make mistakes that a more experienced person would not.

— You say you’ll release me tonight?

— I’ll let you go as soon as I can. As soon as I’m satisfied.

— Okay. Let’s do it then.

— Really?

— Yup. Let’s start.

— Good. You know I’m a moral man.

— Of course you are.

— I am. I’m a man of principle, just like you.

— Right.

— Good. You know, now, finally, finally , I’m seeing the exact guy who got through MIT and the Navy and all these academies and became an astronaut. This is how you did it. You set a goal and you accomplished it. And this is just like that. I gave you the parameters and now you’ll work within them, execute the plan, and move on to the next step. I love that about you. You’re still my hero.

— I’m glad. Let’s do it then.

— But don’t be overanxious. This has to unfold naturally. I don’t want it to be perfunctory.

— Right.

— Your answers have to be truthful. The questions might even hurt. If I think you’re doing some political non-answer kind of bullshit, you will stay here till I get some straight, maybe even painful answers, okay?

— I understand.

— Okay, good. So we’re going to go through things for a few minutes. I’ve read about your path but I need to hear it from you. You ready?

— Yes.

— You were on the baseball team all four years in college, and you still got a 4.0. Is that correct?

— Yes.

— How the hell did you do that?

— I didn’t go out. I went to college to study and get to the next step.

— When did you know what the next step was?

— Before I started college.

— So before you started college, you knew what you would do after?

— Of course.

— What do you mean, of course? No one thinks that way.

— A lot of people do. I had to. The second I got to college, twenty thousand others who wanted to be astronauts were already ahead of me.

— How?

— Maybe they went to a better college. Maybe they were part of a demographic NASA didn’t have well represented. Maybe they didn’t have asthma when they were kids. Maybe they had better connections.

— Did you really have asthma?

— Until I was twelve.

— Then what?

— Then I didn’t.

— I didn’t know that was possible.

— It is.

— You had totally diagnosed asthma with an inhaler and everything?

— Yes.

— And then no more inhaler, no asthma?

— None.

— See, you are a god ! I love that.

— It happens sometimes. Many young people see their symptoms disappear with dietary changes or a change of climate.

— And now you’re talking like an astronaut again. Thank you. “Young people, dietary changes.” That’s what an astronaut would say. He wouldn’t say “kids,” and he would do what you did, which was turn your own story into something about the Youth of America. I love that. You are good. Did they give you special PR training at NASA?

— I haven’t gotten that far.

— Okay wait. Hold that thought. We’ll get there. But first I want to back up. We’re gonna talk about the steps. You knew you were in undergrad to get your engineering degree. Was it in— What kind of engineering was it in?

— Aerospace engineering.

— And you’re somehow a catcher on the baseball team. How the hell did that happen?

— I played in high school, and walked on the team.

— So you weren’t on a scholarship?

— I was on a partial academic scholarship.

— No!

— Yes.

— See, I’m so glad we did this. I’m so glad I brought you here, because already my faith in humanity has been partially restored. Here you were on the baseball team, and all this time I figured you were in college on a baseball scholarship, and that’s why you played four years while your real priority was grades and getting to the next step. But now I find out that the catcher for the fucking baseball team was on an academic scholarship! That is perfect. That is astounding.

— Well, I wasn’t good enough to get a full ride with baseball.

— But you played ! I watched you play. You started our senior year, when the other guy, what’s his name …

— Julian Gonzalez.

— Right, when he transferred, you played every game. And you still kept a 4.0. I mean, did the rest of the team think you were some kind of freak?

— They did.

— Why, because you didn’t go out at night, screw girls and all that?

— Basically.

— But then you did screw a girl!

— What?

— Oh shit. Sorry. I didn’t mean to jump into this. But I know about Jennifer and the, you know.

— What?

— We’ll get to that later.

— Fuck you.

— I told you it might get uncomfortable.

— I’m done with this.

— Okay listen. I’m sorry. We were really cooking there. Please, I won’t bring up Jennifer. I already know about all that anyway. I asked around and I think I got the story.

— You got what story, asshole?

— Don’t fuck with me, Kev! You did two things wrong just now. You threatened me and you swore again.

— I didn’t threaten you, but I will. I will fucking tear your head off.

— See, this is such a disappointment. Is that what held you back — your temper? Don’t pull on that chain.

— I get mad when people chain me up and ask me about my girlfriend from a hundred years ago.

— I bet you get mad a lot. Especially now. Yeah, you have a lot to be mad about now. And I do, too. That’s fine. That’s understandable. See, that’s another way we’re similar. We both execute our plans, and we both have heavy gears turning in our heads that threaten to crush our skulls.

— Oh god, you’re so nuts! Holy shit.

— If you say that again, I’m tasing you, Kev. Not because I want to, but because you calling me nuts is so expected and so boring. Call the kidnapper nuts, blah blah, it’s boring. You’ve called me nuts twenty times and it hasn’t improved your situation. And I’m getting tired of your distractions. I just want to get through this without hurting you, okay?

—

— Okay, now back to the narrative. After college there was that lost year, and then you went to MIT. Was that the same thing, where you knew what you were there to do?

— I was getting a master’s in aerospace engineering. Of course I knew what I was there to do. I wasn’t getting some degree in basket making.