Dave Eggers - Your Fathers, Where Are They? And the Prophets, Do They Live Forever?

— I did keep you safe.

— Whether or not you felt responsible for my birth, you’re supposed to keep your children safe.

— I did as much as I could. As anyone could.

— You know what Mr. Hansen did with us? He played a game called “tailor.” It involved him measuring various parts of our bodies.

— Did he undress you?

— He says he didn’t.

— Do you remember him undressing you?

— No. But I could have buried that memory. We all could have.

— Oh get serious. So he took a tape measure or what?

— He put the tape measure against the insides of our legs. He did that to every kid, alone in his closet, and then we’d all lie on the bed together watching movies. He was breathing heavily the whole time.

— And that’s what has you thinking your life is irreparable?

— No. It’s just one of the many things I shouldn’t have seen or had to endure. Things I wouldn’t have been subjected to if you were present and sober.

— Thomas. I remember very clearly sending you to Mr. Hansen’s house. I was sober then and I’m sober now. It seemed like a fine idea, and a safe idea. There were kids going off on overnights all the time. Boy Scout trips, sports trips, band trips. Summer camp. It was not an outrageous proposition to allow a group of boys to sleep at a trusted adult’s house. And now you tell me that this man put a tape measure against your leg, and that this is the great crime of the world.

— I didn’t say that.

— Thomas, why don’t you kidnap some kid born with leukemia, or a woman who’s been sold into prostitution? You had a tape measure against your leg and it’s paralyzed you for life.

— I can’t stand you.

— Fine. But someone needs to give you some tough love. You’re soft. You need to find some steel.

— And you’re the embodiment of inner strength? Let me enumerate the places I found you blacked out. In the backyard. In your car, in the garage, as if you meant to kill yourself with carbon monoxide and fell asleep in the middle of the task. And growing up, I found you in my bed. That was once a week, at least, you’d be in my bed. I could smell the wine fermenting. You know that smell? It’s this musty animal smell, like your body was some wet sponge full of everything it wiped off the dinner dishes. See, the nice thing about having you here is that I can see what sort of withdrawal you go through. Are you already jonesing?

— No, I am not. I’m not the person you’re battling. You’re battling me from fifteen years ago. I have everything under control and I think you know that. You’re fighting the former, lesser version of myself — so why bother?

— You know, only a narcissist could come up with a phrase like that. “Former, lesser version of myself.” That’s evidence of someone who’s spent a lot of time thinking about herself, perfecting certain phrases. You know what? I just had an idea. I think, after I let the other people go, I’ll hold on to you. You’ll get clean, and I’ll have more time to get some things cleared up.

— You’ll be caught within twenty-four hours. Tommy, please, let us all go. I know we can start again. I want you alive. I don’t want to see you killed out here, but I have a terrible feeling that’s where all this is heading.

— You know what, Mom? I’m done with you tonight. The sun’s coming up and I’m tired, and when I’m this tired, I can’t listen to you spout your nonsense. I don’t even know if you’re on something now, so I’m going to leave you for tonight. And tomorrow we’ll have more fun like we’ve had tonight. Maybe you’ll be clearer in the head, and you’ll have given some thought to your culpability in all this. Okay?

— Thomas, stop. You can’t leave me like this.

— You’ll be fine.

— Thomas.

— Nighty night.

— You’re back.

— You hungry?

— With all these granola bars? How could I be hungry?

— I’m giving you most of the food, Kev, because you were the first. But now that there are four of you, I have to be careful divvying up what’s left.

— Four people?

— I guess I didn’t tell you that already.

— You have four people out here?

— It wasn’t even that hard, after you. I admit the others weren’t, you know, military men. And my mom was easy.

— You have your mom here?

— There were a lot of things we needed to talk about.

— Makes sense.

— I know it does.

— You’re a family man.

— I don’t need the sarcasm, Kev. This is all lining up. It’s working so fluidly that I know it was meant to be. And I have to thank you. You made it all possible.

— At least until they come and shoot you, which will be momentarily.

— You know Kev, I don’t know if that’s true. It’s been three days so far, and I don’t see or hear any sign of anyone coming. To me this is actually a sign of how far astronauts have slipped in our collective national esteem. You think Neil Armstrong would have been allowed to rot on a military base like this for two, three days? There would have been an international manhunt.

— You know, I don’t know if I need to talk to you anymore. It’s a waste of breath. Any minute, you’ll see a shadow in the trees, and that’ll be the sniper shooting you dead.

— Kev, that’s a very vivid and very graphic picture. You’re a military man, so I assume you probably get off on that kind of thing, picturing bullets ripping through skulls and flesh. But I can’t let it bother me. Today is a good day.

— You’re getting sicker.

— No, Kev, I’m getting better. I got some sleep last night, and then what happened this morning — it means that everything’s brightening for me, more so every day. The answers I’m getting are very helpful, first of all. And the craziest and best thing just happened to me while I was walking on the beach this morning. I saw a woman and I believe it’s a sign of good things to come.

— You saw a woman?

— I did. I know this park is closed and the shoreline should be empty, but this morning, before you woke up, I was down by the bluffs overlooking the ocean, and it was high tide, so I was deciding if I should risk going down to the beach. I was just standing there when I saw this figure along the shore. Seeing anyone at all freaked me out, so I dove onto the ground, thinking it might be someone looking for you or the congressman or something. So I was crouched down in the grass, and when I looked up the figure was closer and I could see it was a woman. A woman and her dog. I kept watching her as she came closer, and pretty soon I could make out that she had this cable-knit sweater on, and jeans rolled up to her calves, and she was barefoot and was throwing this tennis ball into the surf where her dog would retrieve it. The sun was still low, and everything was golden, and I thought I was seeing my destiny.

— I can’t believe I have to listen to this.

— I mean, this was the woman of my dreams, Kev! Just beyond my wildest fantasies. And for an instant I thought that I could get to her. You know, run down to the beach and unite with her. But then I realized that I couldn’t. I couldn’t talk to her, because I had you here, and I was hating myself for that, for taking you and preventing any chance with her, and then I was laughing at myself, because I’ve never been within a hundred miles of a woman like that, never had a shot at anyone like her, so who was I kidding? I’ve never been within reach of anyone I coveted. But I have to thank you, Kev, because if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be here, and I wouldn’t have seen her.

— I think you should talk to her. Now. She might still be there.