Ann-Marie MacDonald - Adult Onset

Dear Dad,

There is not a single aspect of her life that is not of her own choosing. She has nothing to complain about and much to be grateful for. For which to be grateful , corrects her inner grammarian. She came out when homosexuality was still classed as a mental illness by the World Health Organization, otherwise known as the WHO (Me?). She helped change the world to the point where it-got-better enough for her to be here now at her own kitchen table with her own child, legally married to the woman she loves, feeling like a trapped 1950s housewife. That was a glib thought. Unjust. Unfeminist. Her life is light years away from her own mother’s. Maggie is flapping her arms along with Elmo and drowning out the music, “I can flap!” For one thing, unlike her mother, Mary Rose led a whole other life before getting married and having children; a bohemian trajectory that spanned careers as actor, TV writer and, ultimately, author of “Young Adult” fiction. MR MacKinnon is known for her “sensitive evocations” of childhood and “uncanny portrayals” of children. Her first book, JonKitty McRae: Journey to Otherwhere , is about an eleven-year-old girl who discovers a twin brother in a parallel universe — in her world, Kitty has no mother, but in his, Jon has no father … It was a surprise crossover bestseller, a hit with young and “old” adults alike. The momentum carried through to the second, JonKitty McRae: Escape from Otherwhere . Together they are known as the Otherwhere Trilogy — although she has yet to write the third.

“Dance, dance!”

For another thing, unlike her mother, Mary Rose has never borne a child, much less buried one.

Her partner, Hilary, being ten years younger, is closer to the start of her career trajectory and when they talked about having a family, Mary Rose welcomed the chance to be the woman behind the woman, no need for the spotlight anymore; like John Lennon, she was going to sit and watch the wheels go round and round. Except it turns out she has very little time to sit, nor is she a big “sitter” in any case. In that way she is like her mother: she has difficulty sitting and watching. And listening. All of which are what Hil does for a living, being a theatre director.

So Mary Rose gardened really hard. She cooked really hard. She cleaned like a white tornado, baby on her hip till he started toddling and Maggie came along and there were suddenly two in diapers. A writer she admires has described sex as “indescribable.” The same goes for a day with two toddlers. That early period is now a blur, but Mary Rose still has the reflexes to show for it: like a war vet throwing himself over the body of a bystander at the sound of a car door slamming, she rushes in with tissues to staunch other people’s spills in cafés, and has to repress the urge to cup her hand beneath the chin of a coughing stranger. She used to think she was busy when she was all about her career, but she did not know from busy till she had children. Now her life is like a Richard Scarry book, Mom’s Busy Day in Busy Town .

She never dreamt she would be married. She never expected to become a mother. She never imagined she would be a “morning person” or drive a station wagon or be capable of following printed instructions for an array of domestic contraptions that come with some-assembly-required; until now, the only thing she had ever been able to assemble was a story.

“Dance chicken!”

They hired a part-time nanny: Candace from northern England, a real-life hard-ass Mary Poppins. Mary Rose started yoga. Wrecked her knee doing the tree. Met other moms, went to playgroups, caught all the colds, felt shame when she failed to pack snacks and had to accept the cheerful charity of the shiny mums, preened with goodwill when she was the one with the extra rice cake or unscented baby wipe. She bought stuff for the house, she renovated the kitchen, researched appliances and didn’t waste time bargain hunting — another way in which she differs from her mother. She forged a new domestic infrastructure for their lives, All Clad all the time.

A mere three years before Matthew was born, she was living in boozy boho twilight with erratic Renée, three to five cats and the occasional panic attack. Then, in a few blinks of an eye, she was married to blue-eyed striding Hil, living in a bright semi-detached corner house, other-mother to two wonderful children. It was as though she had waved a wand and presto, she had a life.

But it was also as though she were a factory, tooled for a wartime economy. Apparently it was peacetime now, but she could not seem to find the switch to kill the turbines. Before leaving for the gig out in Winnipeg, Hilary asked if she wanted to start working again, to come out of her self-appointed retirement. Like a groundhog poking its head up out of its den, thought Mary Rose, except she’d see her shadow and dive for cover. “I can’t believe you’re saying this, Hil. It’s like you want me to start using drugs again. I need to find out who I am without work . I’m tired of being a demon elf, spinning cotton into gold, I am a human being, I want a human life, I want a garden, I want peace, I want to hammer swords into ploughshares, don’t make me wiggle my nose, Darren!” Hil didn’t laugh. She asked if Mary Rose would consider “seeing someone.”

Dear Dad,

I should have know the e-mail was from you right off the bat because of the address — I remember you telling me that’s what the Germans called the Highland regiments when they came over the top in their leather kilts to the skirl of the pipes: “the ladies from hell.” Was Granddaddy in both wars? He was a medic, wasn’t he?

“Flap you dance chicken flap!!” A Thracian ferocity has crept into Maggie’s tone. She presses Elmo’s foot again — and again — and—

“Let Elmo finish his song, sweetheart.”

Was Granddaddy an alcoholic? Is that why you sometimes had a hard time talking about certain

Delete .

Hil thinks that because she is in therapy it must be right for everyone, but Mary Rose is not about to risk having her creativity dismantled by a well-meaning therapist who might mistake the riches of her unconscious for hazardous waste. Even if her creativity is on hold at the moment. The cursor blinks. There is something just out of reach. Something she knows … witness her fingers hovering over the keyboard even as her mind draws a blank and she sits staring, as though someone has pressed pause … Her eyes skid involuntarily from side to side — is it possible to experience a seizure without knowing it? People have mini-strokes all the time and never know till they show up on a CT scan. She should google it. Something familiar is bobbing on the horizon of consciousness, something she knows but cannot name … she can almost see it, like a package, a crate on the sea. But when she looks directly at it, it vanishes. Slips her mind as though somewhere in her brain there is a sheer strip that interrupts the flow of neural goods and services. Like a scar.

Dear Dad,

I

Elmo has fallen silent and Maggie is climbing onto her lap. Mary Rose moves to hug her little girl, who so seldom reaches out for this kind of affection from her, and realizes too late that her lap has been scaled as a means to her laptop. Maggie thrusts out her hand and clicks send before Mary Rose can stop her—“No!”

She has roared it on reflex and is immediately regretful, having inherited her pipes from her mother, who definitely wore the baritone in the family. Her child sits, immobilized. “It’s okay, Maggie.”

It’s no big deal, the letter was blank but for Dear Dad, I . It isn’t as if Mary Rose had typed Dear Dad, go fuck yourself —itself an intrusive thought of the kind with which she has been plagued all her life; the flotsam and jetsam of her psyche, she knows to be part and parcel of the creativity that has served her so well she has been able to enter semi-retirement in her forties and arrive, against all odds, at this kitchen table with her child. That said, is it too much to ask not to have jam on her trackpad?