Ivy Compton-Burnett - The Present and the Past

‘As soon as I can. And in their home. So that I know the truth about them.’

‘You can come on them at any moment, and the truth will be before your eyes. If there was anything wrong, it would be a good deal by now.’

‘Yes, each day has done its work. It has taken them a step further.’

‘Ah, you have your own way of putting things, Catherine. You always had. I don’t know that I mean so much less, though I sound so different. It brings things back to me: I admit that it does. How the stages of our life pass! Well, I will speak to my wife. I don’t know how much it will be asking of her.’

‘It should not be too much. It will serve the children. She has wished to serve them.’

‘It has gone beyond the wish. She has given them of her best. You and I should both be grateful.’

‘I know it. I hardly can be. I must feel she has had what is mine.’

‘Well, in a way you will have what is hers. You are bound to undo her work in a measure. You will do it as little as you can. I must trust you there, Catherine, odd word though it is to pass between you and me.’

‘You may trust me. And I will trust her. She and I should be able to work together. It is for a common end.’

‘Well, you are both so unusual that I daresay you will. Though it could not be said of any other two women. It has been my lot to be cast with a strange pair. It is not for me to give advice, especially as neither of you ever takes it. I declare I begin to couple you together in my mind. Well, good-bye, Catherine. I suppose we shall meet sometimes in this new way. And we bear each other no grudge. I will do my best, if you will do yours. Good-bye.’

There was silence after he had gone.

‘Do you really bear him no grudge?’ said Ursula.

‘I have no feeling about him. If I had, it could only be of its kind. I make no claim to his sort of generosity.’

‘So you do bear him one,’ said Elton. ‘It throws light on the scene. That came from the depths of human experience, and I faced it to the end. I cannot be what I thought.’

‘I kept my eyes away from it,’ said Ursula. ‘I did not hear more than I could help. Cassius is the man he always was.’

‘He is not a man to me,’ said Catherine.

‘You are still a woman to him,’ said her brother.

‘Elton, do not talk like everyone else,’ said Urulsa. ‘Even Cassius does not do that.’

‘I will try not to. But I almost wish I were like them. I think I will be. Catherine, you wanted to marry Cassius. Did you really wish it from your heart?’

‘I wanted to marry. Many women do. I wanted to have children. Many women want that too. And why should they not want it? And Cassius offered it to me. Does it need to be so much explained? I am like everyone else. There is the matter in a word.’

‘I wonder what is bringing out the worst in me,’ said Elton. ‘It is hard not to do oneself justice at such a time; one of those times that will stand out in people’s memories. I dread the moment when this stands out in yours. And I am talking about myself, when my every thought should be of you. And Ursula is putting me to shame by one of those silences that say more than words.’

‘It is such a good way of saying it,’ said the latter.

‘Words do not come to our sister at these times,’ said Catherine.

‘No, she appears to such advantage.’

‘I have hardly realized how I have missed you, Elton. Missed you both.’

‘I am used to being an afterthought,’ said Ursula. ‘I think it brings out my especial quality. There is a peculiar grace in taking the second place, and I think I may have a grace, if it is peculiar.’

‘You both have your own place with me, as you always had.’

‘Catherine comes out of herself to say comfortable words to us,’ said Elton. ‘And in her situation! And we in ours, that is hardly one at all, are remaining in ourselves as if it were the proper place to be.’

‘When no one should ever be there really,’ said Ursula.

‘You are both there less than most people,’ said Catherine.

‘Perhaps we should live in other people’s lives, if we saw them,’ said her brother. ‘I found myself living in Cassius’s life today. It really did seem like self-forgetfulness.’

‘I think that is more than can be expected of us.’

‘I wonder if there is such a thing,’ said Ursula. ‘It is hard to see how there can be. We think other people forget themselves because they pretend to, and we assume they think it of us in the same way. There is one thing to be said for not surviving after death. We shall not know them when they know our hearts, and when we know theirs. The second would be the worst.’

‘I think I always know them,’ said Elton. ‘But I do not mind. I find it so surprising that no one is all bad. It seems that we can depend on it. It seems almost too much.’

‘I used to feel I knew Cassius’s heart,’ said Catherine. ‘And he did reveal more of it than most of us. He did not seem to know when he betrayed himself.’

‘Well, that would explain his doing it,’ said Ursula. ‘Perhaps that is the difference between a bad person and a good; that the one reveals himself, and the other has the proper feeling to hide it.’

‘I shall see my sons,’ said Catherine, standing with clasped hands. ‘Cassius does a thing when it is before him. He is disturbed until it is done.’

‘I did not know he was so like me,’ said Ursula.

‘You may see him come out in the boys,’ said Elton. ‘You should be prepared.’

‘I do not mind what I see. I only ask to see it. I can bear anything but the one thing.’

‘Would you have agreed to the conditions if you had known what they would mean?’

‘I saw nothing but the moment. Just as now I see only that.’

‘How fulfilled I do feel!’ said Elton. ‘All my curiosity satisfied. Even my questions answered. I don’t think it has ever happened to me before. I did not know it could happen.’

‘I don’t think it can,’ said Ursula ‘It is one of those things like Shakespeare, that could never come again.’

‘The force of things carried us on,’ said her sister. ‘The truth came to the light of itself. Reticence lost its place.’

‘And it generally has so much, indeed almost all there is.’

‘There is still a question to ask,’ said Elton, ‘now we feel that nothing will be denied. Cassius still has some feeling for Catherine. Does he know it is unrequited? If he does not, it spoils it all.’

‘He will never know,’ said Catherine. ‘In a way.he will always know nothing. And now you know enough. I ought not to have made this demand. I should have kept my life and myself in their own place.’

‘I cannot bear people who try to be brave,’ said Ursula. ‘There is the danger that they may succeed, and it is even worse than other kinds of success.’

‘Courage may certainly resemble indifference.’

‘It might almost be the same,’ said Elton. ‘But it is too commonplace to think it is. Does Cassius’s wife know of his coming here? I am glad I am in time to ask that.’

‘I do not know. I would tell you, if I did.’

‘How can we find out?’

‘I do not know. I am an unrewarding companion. I do not pretend to come out of myself.’

‘Well, I daresay that is always pretence,’ said her sister.

‘I will leave you now. I will rest and let you do so. We shall spend the evening together. Our old and our new life will begin.’

‘Will two lives be too much for us?’ said Elton, as the door closed. ‘When we can hardly manage one. There is something I must say to you, Ursula. I am haunted by the thought of Cassius. Beneath that exterior does there beat a faithful heart?’