Ivy Compton-Burnett - The Present and the Past

‘We sometimes see the boys in the distance. They are growing up.’

‘Yes, I have missed their childhood. I have faced it every day, given each its own loss.’

‘I have said an insensitive thing, and I did not think I could. It is terrible to know oneself. I hope I shall never get to know the whole.’

‘Do they know I am here?’ said Catherine.

‘Yes, they must know. Our servants talk to theirs. I listen to servants’ gossip. It is one of my weaknesses and my pleasures.’

‘They are often the same,’ said Ursula. ‘Perhaps they always are.’

‘No wonder we do not conquer our failings,’ said Catherine.

‘Do you wish you had stayed with your husband?’ said her brother.

‘I found I could not stay. I took the way that offered, I accepted the gain and loss. Or I thought I did. But I find I cannot do so. I am breaking my word. I have lost so much, that I have lost myself.’

‘How do you feel about the boys living with their father?’ said Ursula.

‘I would take nothing from them. I have learned to measure loss. And in a way it means nothing. He is a dead figure in my heart. I could meet him and say my word. I could see him go, the same dead thing. But to his children he is alive.’

‘I wonder what he means to them.’

‘I have wondered it night and day.’

‘I do enjoy this personal talk.’ said Elton. ‘I know I ought to be ashamed, but creditable pleasure is so hard.’

‘Like rejoicing in others’ joy,’ said Ursula. ‘Though that is an extreme case.’

‘They do say we should eschew the personal and pursue wider things,’ said Catherine.

‘It would serve them right to have to do it,’ said her sister. ‘If they had to fulfil their boasts, what a lesson it would be! They ought to be made to talk about national affairs:’

‘Well, people do talk about such things.’

‘So I have heard,’ said Elton, ‘but I do not want any proof.’

‘If you listen to servants, you must find the men sometimes talk to them,’ said Catherine.

‘I listen to the women. It is some instinct of self-protection. And it is their standard I admire, their integrity of interest and purity of aim. What a good thing there are so many more of them than men!’

‘The men tend to be more reliable witnesses.’

‘Yes, and they are not ashamed of it. Not ashamed of being without creative power. No woman would be so shameless. She would have no friends. No other woman would tolerate it.’

‘She might have men friends.’

‘Well, that would be her punishment.’

‘I suppose some men talk of personal things.’

‘There are some happy marriages,’ said Ursula. ‘So they must.’

‘A man is supposed to eat his breakfast with the paper propped up before him,’ said Catherine.

‘Well, he has to quote from it and pretend he thought it all himself,’ said Elton. ‘But I don’t suppose Cassius did that.’

‘No, he tended to the personal. But the personal note must be the real one. It ends the interest of things, if they are not rooted in the truth.’

‘Sometimes it adds to it,’ said Ursula. ‘That seems to be its purpose. How it does add to it! It even does for the whole.’

‘Distortion seems always to tend to people’s disadvantage.’

‘Well, it may as well kill two birds with one stone.’

‘What good does it do us to disparage people?’

‘I am not sure, but it seems to be great good. Perhaps it makes us better by comparison.’

‘Do we do everything for our own advantage?’

‘Yes, I think we do. No one else does anything for it. So it takes all our time to get enough done.’

‘I have a dislike of the simple sin of saying behind people’s backs what we do not say to their faces,’ said Catherine, with a little laugh.

‘It does seem strange of you to have anything to do with what is simple.’

‘It would be a more complex sin to do both,’ said Elton.

‘It would be better than only doing the first,’ said Catherine.

‘I thought the first was always done,’ said her sister.

‘I suppose criticism may be honest. Or is that the most un-kindest cut of all.’

‘Well, it is always a cut,’ said Ursula.

‘Is it necessary to indulge in any kind of disaparagement?’

‘Well, it is a temptation,’ said Elton. ‘Look at your word, “indulge”. And we are only told to make an exception of the dead.’

‘And it is no good to say behind people’s backs what can never get round to them,’ said Ursula.

A servant opened the door and spoke to Catherine.

‘Will you see Mr Clare, ma’am? And if so, would you prefer to see him alone?’

‘I will see him,’ said Catherine, after a moment’s pause. ‘And it need not be alone. He can come in here.’

‘This is more than I hoped for,’ said Elton to Ursula. ‘Is it almost too much? Can we bear it?’

‘How can I tell? It will be a scene from life, and I have never met one.’

‘I think I can face it,’ said her brother, placing himself where he could do so.

Cassius entered the room with his usual deliberate stride, keeping his eyes from anyone’s face…

‘Well, Catherine, I thought it was best to take the bull by the horns. Preparing for the interview and working ourselves up would do no good. So I braced myself up and acted on the spur of the moment. And standing in front of you as I am, I still think it was the right thing. I often find my impulses lead me in the right direction. This isn’t by any means the first case of it. Well, how are you, Catherine, after all these years? It is best to ask the question in the usual way. The less awkwardness, the better. You are very little changed.’

‘Perhaps to your eyes. To me the change is great.’

‘Well, no one would know it. I don’t know how much I am changed myself. I expect you would have recognized me.’

‘There is little outward difference.’

‘Well, as I say, I took my courage in my hands and came before I had time to think. A deadlock would not have served us. Well, it is a long time since we met.

‘Yes, it is nine years.’

‘Not since Fabian was a child of four.’

‘Not since then.’

‘You would be surprised to see him now.’

‘As a boy of thirteen? No, that is how I think of him.’

‘So we are to let the dead past bury its dead?’

‘The past is dead,’ said Catherine, in a low tone. ‘It has no dead to bury. My sons’ lives are young.’

‘Yes, that is true. But they have had a good mother in my wife.’

‘They have had a good woman with them.’

‘You left them of your own will.’

‘You made it a condition. I had no choice but to leave them.’

‘Well, well, we need not go into that. We are to meet now on other terms. We understand each other.’

‘I wonder if you understand me. I have not helped you. I have returned to my own place. That place is near my children. I will not go further. I will not say it is with them. I have come back to see them, to know them, to break my faith. I have not the power to keep it. For years it has been growing too much for me. It has grown too much. I would rather see them with your sanction. I would not impose on them further burdens. I do not know how much they have borne.’

‘They have had nothing to bear, and will have nothing. But I understand your wish to see them. We can probably arrange a meeting. It is a simple thing.’

‘Is your wife willing for us to have it?’

‘Well, it is a hard thing for her, Catherine. You must see that. But she is a woman who sees what is right and does it. That is the key to her nature. And it seemed to me that this was a right thing. I do not believe in being bound by the past. So I put it to her; perhaps I imposed it on her. I may do that sometimes; I daresay you remember. After all it is for me to take the lead. And she let herself be guided by me. She saw that change was gathering. Change seems to come of itself when the time is ripe. I don’t think we have much to do with it. We are in the hands of unseen forces. Well, when do you want to see the boys?’