Ibrahim Sonallah - The Committee

Now I looked closely at the other officers to determine their sex and identities. I searched for the third until, with difficulty, I found him. Wearing civilian clothes had greatly altered his appearance.

This phenomenon really piqued my curiosity. Having been trained by the events of the last year to solve mysteries and riddles, my mind raced, trying to come up with an explanation.

Formerly, I had believed the Committee was a combination of civilians and officers. But, as I had seen today, the change in dress shook this belief to its foundations. It could mean only one of two things: the Committee consists entirely of officers, some of whom sometimes wear civilian clothes, or it consists of civilians, some of whom sometimes wear military uniforms.

In neither case was there any significance to the change. Actually, abandoning the uniforms could be considered a weakening of the military streak in the Committee. For a fleeting moment this hope was inviting, in view of the reputation soldiers have for cruelty and bloodthirstiness. That the old maid wore a uniform intensified this hope, since she, by virtue of her femininity (frustrated though it be) was more humane. On the contrary, I soon saw that for this very reason, it was a confirmation rather than a weakening of the military streak.

Using the Committee's language, the chairman snapped me out of my reverie when he said in a sonorous and mournful tone, "Let us begin today by pausing for five minutes to mourn the departed." The members pushed back their chairs and stood. I didn't move because I was already standing. The Committee does not allow anyone to sit in its presence.

I raised my eyes to the picture of the deceased hanging on the wall behind the chairman. I stared into his eyes, in sympathy with the Committee members. While the five minutes crawled by, I tried to concentrate on remembering the way his eyes had moved, each in its own direction, during his full life.

The chairman cleared his throat a number of times, as though he was charging a battery that powered his voice. Then he began to address his colleagues. Looking all the while at the floral wreaths, as though in actuality addressing their senders, he hurriedly said,

"Your honors, respected members. This is one of those exceptional times when the Committee has convened to discuss a matter at variance with its normal experience. This is the third time we have gathered on account of the departed. If my memory serves, the first time was in the mid-50s, when we decided to admit him to the Committee. I still remember him as he was then, full of youth and vitality. The next time was the year before last, when we celebrated his winning the Golden Eagle Prize in recognition of his efforts to serve the Committee's goals.

"Truly, the departed played an important role in devising most of the impressive transformations that have taken place around us and in molding the form in which they materialized.

"The possibility of fulfilling the dreams of mankind and putting an end to all the dangers that threatened the human race is unfolding. They had arisen in the '50s, but were buried in the '60s and early '70s and due to our colleague's role are again springing up.

"Here we refer to that old dream of global unity or a United States of the Earth, in which all the inhabitants of the planet would be incorporated into a homogeneous state fostering prosperity and attempting to provide a better life.

"This underscores the depth of the loss afflicting us. The cause of civilization and progress has suffered, as well as the causes of socialism, peace, and democracy."

He paused a moment to give the others an opportunity to deduce the conclusion he was leading up to, then resumed, "In all our dealings we have been careful to remain disassociated from any direct connection to official bodies and executive authorities, in spite of the rumors that have clung to us and that on several occasions have had a basis in reality. These rumors cast doubt on the aforementioned precept, although, in truth, they confirmed it.

"Now we are faced with a similar situation whose seriousness forces us to attend to it. You well know its implicat=ons for the future.

"What compounds the delicacy of the situation is the anguish and distress you are now subjected to, through being directly confronted by the pair of hands stained with the blood of your comrade."

An angry muttering arose among the members, none of whom took their eyes off me even once. I found myself compelled to speak. In contrast to what I expected, my vcice came out shaky, using words other than those I had p-epared.

"I hope you can find it in your hearts to let me present my side. I am sure you will be so magnanimous and generous as to allow me to speak Arabic in order to better express myself. You may be sure that I share in the pain of your loss, for it is a loss to us all."

The Blond interrupted me angrily, "You will speak when we give you permission."

The old man took a sip of water from the cup in front of him, then continued, "From the beginning the Com mittee has put itself at the service of revolutionary objectives, ethical principles, and religious values. Its members have supported everything that would strengthen basic freedoms and expand the democratic process.

"Naturally, we thus aroused the animosity of evil and destructive elements, which did their utmost to resist us. In this connection, let me draw your attention to the carefully manufactured uproar over the methods we use in our work and to the charges, sometimes of sadism and sometimes of demagoguery, that are liberally levied against us.

"These forces have always tried to link us to political coups d'etat, sectarian massacres, and limited conflicts happening now in the Arab world, and even to some unexplained suicides, a few sporadic incidents of persons missing without a trace, and other persons who fell from rooftops or were killed in chance traffic accidents.

"However, the attack on our comrade represents a dangerous escalation of these activities, something that requires your special attention. Your duty might seem clear because the criminal stands before you and admits to the heinous crime, but nevertheless, there's more to this than meets the eye, and your job is to get to the bottom of it."

The old man appeared worn out. He leaned back in his chair as if to make room for his colleagues. The old maid, now in uniform, was the first to address me,

"You may speak now."

Her voice was gentle, but her allusion to the Blond's response intensified its underlying harshness, since it implied support for his anger.

I'd truly been careful to observe their looks, the way they held their heads, and their tone of voice, in short, all the signs that might predict the fate awaiting me.

This didn't mean I was yielding to despair. Even before I arrived I was prepared for the worst. From the beginning I hadn't denied anything or tried to justify the act. On the other hand, I felt no regret since I was convinced that what had happened was inevitable.

Thus I had prepared my defense as an attack on the Committee. I chose powerful words. Inasmuch as the result was preordained, there was no harm in protecting my dignity and meeting the inevitable with pride and disdain.

However, as soon as I faced the Committee and heard the chairman's words, my resolve vanished. My voice came out shaky and weak, whereas I had intended it to ring firmly through the hall, proud and accusing.

Using the Committee's language, I said, my voice fading away, "Thank you for the opportunity you have granted me to address you. I would like to affirm yet again my awareness of the depth of your loss. It isn't every day the Committee loses one of its members." (I smiled in spite of myself, but they, naturally, did not smile in response.)