Albert Thelen - The Island of Second Sight

Such an instinctive solution of the problem would have been beyond the ken of Bobby’s Folkwang School, even in its Cultural-Bolshevist heyday. I deduced this from the expression on Bobby’s face, whose good eye was now also beginning to cloud over. Envy is a common vice among artists.

My plan was a dangerous one, but I saw no way around it. A single peck of the raven’s bill would suffice to exclude T’uang forever from Imperial Succession. Mamú broke forth in loud lamentations. The Commissioner turned even paler when he learned that “Rabindranath” was not a famous Indian writer but a bird of prey. He picked up his bitch, and once again cradled her in his arms. Mamú made a grandiose display of compliance and willingness to trust the two trustworthy Germans who would accept all the responsibility. The wedding must not be called off just because the bride has fled the coop.

When I opened his cage, Rabindranath hopped off his perch and strode with pompous gait directly to a place where, every day, he stashed a half-pound of raw meat, only to discover each time with his characteristic aristocratic nonchalance that parasites had completely consumed his hidden snack, meaning that the meat never reached the desired degree of decomposition. Then he retrieved T’uang’s little silver bell from another place, took immediate fright at the sounds it made, and hid it in a crevice in the palm tree. These were two oft-repeated capers of his, and he always performed them with a sour mien and much angry squawking. Everyone in Mamú’s household was familiar with the routine except T’uang, who was kept inside whenever Rabindranath was let out of his cage. (When the raven became capable of flight, I outfitted him with wing clamps). Only then did he approach the rabbit hole, which presented interesting possibilities of its own. And behold: with hoarse barks, the little |canine shot forth from the cave and streaked past the bewildered bird like a bolt of lightning. Only after returning to his perch did Rabindranath regain his composure, while in the meantime Bobby was able to grab the runaway pooch by the pelt. Once smoked out of his lair in this fashion, he was carried over to Mamú, who now had to decide on the further sequence of events.

I said, “Mamú, the only solution is brute force. Consensual union is out of the question. We have made a pact without consulting the Emperor of China himself. And who knows? Perhaps the doggie is so frightened now that it has affected his loins, leading to… shall we say… immobility. There are certain phenomena…”

Mamú herself had experienced all the phenomena that life had to offer, and all of life’s phenomena had visited her. Every Sunday her ladies arrived with new miraculous happenings. There was no need for lengthy deliberation. With firm resolve, she snatched up her pooch: “To the dining room, come on!” We followed her like a company of truculent pimps, determined to rescue a potential deportee while at the same time aiming a blow at the Führer .

The Police Commissioner set down his morganatic chippy on the dining-room carpet. T’uang, likewise placed on the rug, where he was expected to effect the peaceful consummation of his wedding with the comely T’atsu, immediately darted under an armoire. Was he in terror at the sight of so much Pekingese ugliness? Was he appalled at his own mirror image? I suddenly considered myself already deported from the island. We could hear him growling under the furniture. This was a provocation!

At this moment I felt like a true German, like a dyed-in-the-wool, no-holds-barred Teuton, refusing to be intimidated by anyone or anything under the sun. And I knew I could depend on Bobby — he, too, a true-blue, resolute German. More resolute, in fact, than I, for he was already on all fours under the commode, dragging forth the reluctant bridegroom. It was now our intention to intrude upon Destiny Itself.

“You mean you’re going to…?”

“Yes, Mamú. It has to be. Otherwise I’ll be deported. The Führer , too, gives no quarter. C’est la guerre! ”

In that case, Mamú replied, the Spaniard would have to leave; there was no need for him to watch the proceedings. But she herself wanted to be present. “But not on my carpet, Vigo! Put the bridal couple up on the table, and bring my chair over. Bobby, go ask Calpurnia for a damask tablecloth.”

This was not the first bridal union that Mamú had set the stage for. “ Dô het er gemachet alsô rîche von bluomen eine bettestat ,” in the words of Walther von der Vogelweide, and I sang them for Mamú. “It’s an unjust world, Mamú. T’uang will know his T’atsu upon a cloth of the finest weave. I know some people who make do with a pile of newspapers.”

I indicated to the Police Commissioner that his presence during the wedding ceremony was not desired. I gave him my word of honor that I would report the outcome in exact detail. Since the gentleman was unaware that I was identical with a certain subject under threat of deportation, he accepted my offer. In this manner I retained my second aspect in order to salvage my first.

T’uang was still unwilling to cooperate, even on the luxurious oriental carpet. Bobby grabbed the bride by the neck, using the skilled hand motion admired by everyone who has seen his calligraphy. I stood at the opposite end of the table. Mamú was seated in her place of honor, her lorgnette focused on the bridal couple, looking no different than if she were attending a premiere at the Metropolitan Opera House built by her princely spouse.

The two animals made strange noises that none of us could interpret. Using her Viennese inner-city dialect, Mamú egged on her little darling. But it was no use. I was resolved to break my word of honor if nothing happened between the matrimonial couple. This was all so ridiculous! We felt like bailiffs at some court proceeding, using miniature models to demonstrate how a train wreck had occurred. Bobby stood his ground — which, after all, was his main job in this situation. But I was suddenly overcome with rage, and made a quick grab. “Oh, my poor little puppy!” Mamú cried, dropping her opera glass to the floor. “I saw a jiggle! Vigo, you can stay on Mallorca!”

Mamú was a highly educated person, but any street urchin could have set her straight. I, too, knew a thing or two about such procedures. After all, I had raised rabbits, and never in a random way, but always according to the book, a certain volume of the Guild Masters’ Library. This, the most dog-eared volume in my teen-age collection, contained an unforgettable, lapidary sentence: “If the male then makes a leap, one can be sure of success.” But Belgian Giants are not Pekingese Dwarfs. Besides, Asiatics are inscrutable, and it was I myself who had caused the leap.

Twice more I let T’uang experience his one second of bliss. Each time, Bobby caught the jolt with knitted brow. I knew that as an artist he was intolerant of mere scribbling, and what was going on here, although we were writing in minuscules, wasn’t a demonstration of elegant calligraphy. So let’s just get it done and strew some sand over it! It is a terrible thing to break one’s word as a German, just because of some tripe-eating animal.

The nanny had already prepared a bath for T’uang. The wedding table was cleared, and then disinfected.

“All right,” Mamú said to the Commissioner, who had spent tortuous minutes beneath the palm tree. She raised four fingers of her right hand. “Caramba!” was the overjoyed official’s reply. “Fine job!” I said, and congratulated him. He then told Madame that he was grateful, adding that if ever he could do her a return favor…

Mamú was of the opinion that I ought to tell the man straight out exactly what he must do for me. Upon her life she would never be willing to submit her doggie to such swinishness a second time. But wasn’t it scheen after all? I took Don Fulano aside and explained to him the precarious situation that a friend of Mamú’s was in. “No problem at all, my friend. Here, give the gentleman my card, ask him to present it to our clerk, and the problem will be solved once and for all. Four times! Caramba ! I would have been satisfied with just once!”