Stephen Dixon - Love and Will - Twenty Stories

“How? He was knocked unconscious, got a head injury — you know, swelling of the brain’s membrane from it or a blood clot — and died?”

“It’s a mystery. He hit the streetlamp, went down, but it wasn’t enough to kill him — just knock him out. In other words, he didn’t die from the blow. He died of a heart attack. There was some connection — maybe only a doctor could tell us what it was — but he got the attack while he was lying on the sidewalk. But this is the odd part. A policeman came, tried to revive Nate, searched his pockets for identification, found a whole bunch of bookie slips, and somehow got hold of a policeman friend of his, or something, because in about ten minutes two other policemen showed up at Nate’s building, got into his apartment and cleaned out every cent he had stored away there. What’s odder is that my father knew some policemen would do that once word got out that Nate had died suddenly on the street. Apparently every policeman knows that if you’re a bookie, and Nate was a very successful one, you’ve lots of cash stashed away in your home to pay off big winners and such, and also because most of your income is never declared for taxes. In fact, when Ben called my father to tell him Nate had died an hour ago on the street, my father’s first response was to tell him to rush right over to Nate’s apartment and clear out all the money in two shoeboxes in the bedroom closet. Ben didn’t want to. He said that as much as he hated Nate, he still had at least a day’s grief and mourning in him for him. But my father told him ‘Don’t be a moron. I’ve got grief for him too. But there must be twenty thousand dollars there, and if you don’t get it, the cops will.’ How’d my father know what the cops would do? He knew lots about city life, that’s all. So Ben rushed over to the apartment, but the police were already long gone. He couldn’t press charges. For what? Their stealing illegal money? If he did get the money back, the government wouldn’t let him keep it anyway. They’d look at all of Nate’s reported income over the last five to ten years, and Ben and Catherine, to pay back Nate’s owed taxes, would probably have to dig into their inheritance. Ben was also afraid the cops would kill him if he went to the city against them. Nate still left a lot to his kids. Jewelry, gold. But Catherine, married and with a child by then, died a year later from her brain cancer. And Ben’s in jail now, my mother says. She saw it in the newspaper a few months ago. Maybe he’s out by now — but for running a gambling operation in his home. In fact — well didn’t I tell you I met him in an apartment building elevator a year ago?”

“No. I would have remembered. Because it would have been the first time I ever heard of your cousin Ben.”

“I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. I know I wanted to. Reminded myself to tell you, after I met him. Anyway, I hadn’t seen him for ten years, probably more. Maybe not since Catherine’s funeral. And I heard this guy, running from the lobby, yell ‘Hold the elevator. Press the “Door-open” button.’ So I pressed the button and in comes Ben. We were both so surprised we even kissed each other’s cheeks. I was on my way up to see Hector Lewis. Ben then lived in that building. But according to the newspaper, my mother says, he has another address now, or maybe he gave a phony one to the police. But he was on the top floor, Hector on the eighteenth, and Ben said, as we’re going up, ‘Guess what I’ve become in life?’ I said ‘Well, according to Aunt Ruth you went into the dress business, so I suppose you’ve become a millionaire.’ He said ‘A bookie, isn’t that amazing? I hated the guy, but I end up doing just what he did, and I think I’m going to do even better than him.’ Maybe, after taking a beating in the dress business, he took what experience he’d learned just from watching Nate all those years and started taking book, running gaming tables, which I don’t think Nate ever did, and also numbers and stuff, my mother said my cousin Holly told her. Or maybe he was never legit — a word my father like to use — before he became a bookie. I know that as a teenager he was thrown out of a few boarding schools for causing trouble and then in this city got arrested for drunken driving, without a license, but I don’t remember hearing of anything worse.”

“No wonder you never talked about them. Actually, that’s not fair. Because though I can’t picture Cecile very well from everything you’ve said, Catherine seemed very nice.”

“She was. And to me, sonofabitch that he was, Nate was still kind of interesting in a way. And look what that poor kid went through — Ben. If I’d had his life as a kid, would I now be much different than he? No matter what — why I also never mentioned Catherine, I don’t know. I was never closer to one of my cousins. Then, when she was around fifteen, she got big and fat, and stupid, it seemed, when before she was always curious and perceptive, and I couldn’t talk to her about anything except our playing together as kids. Last time I saw her she was so sad she made my cry. She’d lost about a hundred pounds, but it wasn’t, and I don’t say this to be funny, an improvement. No, forget that. She had no hair. She was wearing a wig. Her speech was slow. She’d gone through operations and one chemotherapy session after the other. My heart bled for her. She acted retarded. But she was so sweet. I don’t ever remember her being as sweet as she was then, though she was always a very kind person. Generous. She had about a month to live. In fact, all this took place at one of Cynthia’s daughters’ weddings. And it’s not that she got big and fat and stupid. She got heavy, that was her business, but after everything she went through as a kid, and then was still going through as a fifteen-year-old, you could understand why. She was pretty smart too, in her own way. She was a good businesswoman till she got sick. And whatever I might have suggested, I don’t think her sickness was Uncle Nate’s doing — hitting her on the head. Or if it was his doing for Cecile’s cancer either. I don’t know about such things. But what that family’s gone through is unbelievable.”

“It’s still difficult for me to understand how I never heard about any of them. From you, from Ruth. But this card. What’s it mean? Who’s it from? Who is this Cecile?”

“I don’t know. Someone’s playing a joke. What’s the postmark say? It’s this city. Sent yesterday. The mail’s faster than I thought. I don’t know any Cecile. My Aunt Cecile is the only Cecile I’ve known. Or that I can remember having known. But certainly no Cecile for years. And this Cecile is talking about today, isn’t she? Someone’s cracked. Someone’s trying to start trouble between us. You’re the only person I love and love being in bed with and the only person I go to bed with and there isn’t any other woman, and hasn’t been since maybe a week or two after I met you, whom I’ve known in that kind of way.”

“I’ll accept that,” and she tears up the postcard. They kiss. He says “No, a long one, not just a hello, back-from-work kiss.” They hug and kiss. Then she says “Like to split a beer?” and he says “Why not?” and follows her into the kitchen.

Nothing’s on his mind. Can’t read, doesn’t want to sit around the apartment and snack anymore. If he stays here any longer he’ll uncork a bottle of wine and drink it down while he looks out the window, stares at the walls, ceiling light fixture and the floor. He gets up to go out. But if I go out, he thinks, where will I go? Take a walk, see what you’ll see. Don’t stick around here doing nothing, ending up sleepy from all the wine, overstuffed from all the snacks, asleep by seven or eight so up around four or five in the morning and then what’ll you do? More staring, eating, drinking. Maybe try the newspaper again.