Lance Olsen - Calendar of Regrets

WT. Why would I say that? It doesn't make any sense.

PD. I'm a little confused here.

WT. Why would the Vice President take such a risky trip across branes himself? He's no test pilot.

PD. But then who did you think you were beating up?

WT. It stands to reason.

PD. And who is that?

WT. His double. Kenneth Burrows' double on your earth.

PD. But I… I don't understand, Bill. Help me out. The man you were beating up… he wasn't the real Kenneth Burrows?

WT. Because you're forgetting something.

PD. What is it I'm forgetting?

WT. Membranes are membranes.

PD. How does that help me understand this?

WT. We all live right beside our twins all the time, only in a different universe. There are an infinite number of them. This is common knowledge among physicists.

PD. But you're saying we don't know that's what we're doing?

WT. It's like we know it but we don't know it. This is why people feel weird sometimes, like when you're standing alone in front of your open refrigerator in the middle of the night, only you have this feeling someone else is standing right there right next to you.

PD. Because they really are.

WT. Sometimes it's like doctors have just given you medicine. Thinking feels beside the point.

PD. Who do you believe you assaulted, Bill?

WT. Dan Rather.

PD. But you're saying it wasn't really Dan Rather.

WT. That is not what I'm saying.

PD. You're saying it really was Dan Rather.

WT. I'm saying the man on the sidewalk was Dan Rather and wasn't Dan Rather.

PD. The CBS news anchorman, you're saying.

WT. Only he wouldn't give me the frequency. He just began lying and lying, the liar. I knew the messages would start again any second. I didn't have much time. He was intercepting my brainwaves. He was using them against me.

PD. And that's when he bolted.

WT. That is correct.

PD. And you followed him.

WT. That is correct.

PD. Where did he go?

WT. Into this building. There was a security guard in the lobby.

PD. An apartment building?

WT. I don't know. It was bright inside.

PD. But you couldn't follow him.

WT. That is correct.

PD. What did you do?

WT. Walked through Central Park. For years and years. I like the boat pond. I like all the people with their little toy boats in the morning. And that fountain. With the statue of the angel.

PD. Bethesda?

WT. That is correct.

PD. But the messages kept coming.

WT. That is correct.

PD. Where did you stay all that time?

WT. Hotels. Shelters. I watched a lot of TV. I like Friends. I like the way Janice says Oh my god. Oh. My. God. Like that. It's funny.

PD. Friends is on NBC? Isn't that right?

WT. That is correct.

PD. Is that where you got the idea for what you did next? WT. They were sending waves through the TV set at the shelter. PD. What sort of waves?

WT. All I can tell you at this point in time is the dose exceeded thirty-five hundred ergs. They were impossible to block. It felt like thousands of ants were eating my thoughts.

PD. And you wanted those to cease.

WT. I needed to find somebody who understood the nature of waveform oscillations.

PD. And so what did you do?

WT. Saved some money. Bought a gun. A box of bullets.

PD. And then you went down to Rockefeller Center.

WT. On the B train. Yes. It was very humid. Very hot and very humid.

PD. This would be August 31, 1994. Last August.

WT. I'm not very good with dates.

PD. What did you do next?

WT. Hung around the entrance on 49 thStreet.

PD. Why did you do that — hang around like that?

WT. I was waiting for a physicist.

PD. You believed one would come out of the NBC Studios?

WT. I knew one would come out. He was in his thirties. He had attractive hair.

PD. This would be Campbell Montgomery? WT. I don't know.

PD. Had you thought in any way at that point that you might want to hurt him?

WT. I just wanted to use the gun to get the correct frequency from him and stop the waves. I feel very strongly about celebrities, audiences — all those who make TV shows what they are. They are good people. I didn't want to endanger them.

PD. But you did endanger Campbell Montgomery.

WT. My hand did.

PD. You shot him.

WT. My hand did. In the back.

PD. You control your hand, don't you, Bill?

WT. My hand was holding the gun. I hadn't noticed at the time. But there it was. When the physicist exited the building, I asked him about the frequency. He looked at me. He looked at the gun. Then he turned and ran.

PD. That's when you shot him.

WT. That is incorrect.

PD. When did you shoot him?

WT. When he began screaming.

PD. What was he screaming?

WT. That there was this man with a gun. I looked around me, frightened. It took me a minute to figure out who he was talking about.

PD. That's when you pulled the trigger.

WT. That's when the trigger was pulled.

PD. Explain your reasoning to me here, Bill. Why was the trigger pulled?

WT. There was nothing else for my hand to do.

PD. You believed someone else was controlling your hand.

WT. What is belief?

PD. Who was controlling your hand?

WT. Kenneth Burrows.

PD. The other Kenneth Burrows. The Vice President back on your world.

WT. That is correct.

PD. How?

WT. Through the transmitter.

PD. How many times did you fire?

WT. I would say my hand fired once.

PD. And Montgomery died five hours later at Bellevue.

WT. I don't know anything about that.

PD. He died because the bullet you fired punctured his lung and a major artery. He bled to death on the operating table.

WT. People don't know.

PD. What don't they know, Bill?

WT. That the thing about the peanut butter and jelly sandwich is that it is a complete nutritious meal in itself. It's an easy point to overlook.

PD. And the messages didn't stop. Killing Montgomery didn't help.

WT. Twelve grams of protein, for instance. On average.

PD. They just keep arriving every twenty minutes.

WT. The diagonal cut releases the flavor most effectively, as we've just seen.

PD. And the medications. They don't help much, either.

WT. Because of the triangular resonance. You know. Let A, B, and C be the vertices of a right triangle. This was common knowledge to Euclid. I'm tired.

PD. Maybe we should call it a day?

WT. Yes.

PD. We can pick up later when you're feeling rested.

WT. Yes.

PD. That's fine, Bill. I'll, uh, I'll call in an officer. Thank you for talking with me. I appreciate it a great deal. I always learn something new.

WT. You're welcome.

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Welcome to another episode of my own little pirate podcast coming to you semi-live and completely indirect every week from a different corner of the godforsaken Salton Sea, deadest body of saline solution on the deadest stretch of southwestern desert you'll ever want to forget.