Lance Olsen: Head in Flames

Look: I am standing inside the color yellow.

Look: something wells up at the corner of Theo van Gogh’s vision as he bikes to work one morning one hundred and fourteen years later.

Look: the short fat filthy pig peddling among the herd of short fat filthy pigs in his faggot blue T-shirt faggot striped suspenders faggot gray jacket faggot tattered jeans.

The vast fields of ripe wheat in July.

A dreary Tuesday in November.

You stepping leisurely from the doorway into Allah’s will.

Afternoon sunshining in my chest. The high yellow note swarming. How the dusty heat sparkles the atmosphere with flecks of light.

Vincent van Gogh’s brother’s great grandson, peddling.

He’s where he’s supposed to be you where you’re supposed to be and this is how you bring two trajectories together.

How these elements unspool into a ravishing Sunday.

Peddling, Theo absentmindedly imagines himself a pudgy forty-seven-year-old puffer fish with short blond curls darting on an old black bike among a school of them on Linnaeus Street.

How nothing is unexpected any longer.

Not something you hear: something you inhabit. Its own acoustic body. Skin.

The cool fog gauzing Oosterpark ahead. Sky a dull vaporous aluminum. Air noisy with diesel fumes.

Waiting in the doorway until he reaches the end of this block and then you will simply walk into the future.

Auvers-sur-Oise: 1890.

Amsterdam: 2004.

Someday they will write about these things.

Look: this is as far as I’ve got. Perhaps this is all I have to say.

Theo already enjoying the idea of the cigarette he plans to light upon reaching his production company in fewer than ten minutes.

Look: just here just like this.

We must try to mature more quietly.

The nicotine inhalation. The energizing burn. Pleasure’s smoky rush.

Like this and nothing else.

Because everyone possesses talent at twenty-five, said Degas, that little French lawyer who doesn’t get enough sex. The difficulty is to possess it at fifty.

Already his fourth today.

Because in the end words don’t count.

Because pleasure is not necessarily happiness.

Yellow signs, red signs, green sliding by as the lively intersection pulls into sight.

They pretend they do but they don’t.

Dirt paths intersecting before my easel like a gigantic yellow cross among immense yellow widenesses.

The shop selling coffee beans. The glassfront pharmacy. Cozy woodlined Cafe ‘T Span with tables spread outdoors even this late into the shivery gray year. Sliding by.

They pretend language is spirit rising between your lips but it is really a bony black cat with a broken back heaped among garbage bags in the alley.

Timelessness wedging time in two.

Carolus Linnaeus: the staide Swedish father of taxonomy. That one. His street.

Waiting in the doorway thinking about how in grade school they said stand up Mohammed Bouyeri parse that sentence Mohammed Bouyeri conjugate that verb Mohammed Bouyeri and then looked surprised when Mohammed Bouyeri did.

The difficulty is to possess it at fifty.

Every organism tagged in its jar.

Thinking about how they smiled down at you cheeks in-sucked with amusement like you were one of those cleft-palette kids.

In town, people call me Monsieur Vincent as they civil by on the packed-earth lanes.

Cozy to a fault, these northern countries.

Because language can do anything that’s the danger not the other way around you have to be careful with it.

Out of familiarity, you see: Monsieur Vincent .

Gezellig .

Learning how to smile back politely.

Out of fondness.

Give me a shot of juniperish jenever, a bouquet of gaudy tulips, and a fucking sweet, they say, and I’ll be content.

But you were as Dutch as those faggots were as much them as they were themselves.

An ultramarine drill jacket sans collar, sans tie. Floppy straw hat. Baggy pants, beat-up shoes, rotting teeth, receding chin, butchered earlobe. At thirty-seven.

Son Lieuwe, twelve, eyes jarring blue as his father’s, told Theo across the breakfast table this morning (bright red coffee cup, boiled tan egg, pink slice of ham on toast) that he, Theo, stank like a human ashtray.

Because it isn’t what comes out of your mouth that gathers but the weight inside your fist.

Monsieur Vincent: a gardener, a fisherman.

Theo blinks in delight at the abrupt memory.

The weight inside your fist inside your pocket.

My ocean: this yellow. My flowerbed: these fields.

It doesn’t please that I’ve placed humans among the Anthro-pomorpha with the macaques and marmosets , Linnaeus pointing out, but man is getting to know himself .

You didn’t understand this and then you did.

Skin that you can hear.

Gezellig .

Standing in the doorway.

Here: how?

Still, Theo can think of worse. He can think of much worse.

You don’t need words to raise it.

If only I could remember what I have seen.

Tall white lampposts lining the street.

You don’t need words to bring His tongue down upon the faithless.

Because I have tried to make it simple.

Gezellig .

You don’t need words to teach.

Because I have tried to make it simple, and failed.

Inverted J’s frilled with empty flowerpots. Imagine spring: the colors.

You don’t need language to pull your fist from your pocket.

Again.

Up ahead: the brick church steeple, gold rooster weather-vaning atop the cupola.

How do words explain the way you felt standing beside your mother in the local bakery when you were seven listening to the hag behind the counter scolding her for not speaking Dutch properly?

Keeping my first toothache to myself for a week because I refused to admit that I had already begun to decay. At twelve.

Theo navigates around a slower cyclist, a young woman with backpack and black headscarf. He dings his little bell deferentially, glides past, computing what the day will hold for him.

How every month you have to help your father fill out government forms because he never learned how to read or write your face burning beside his at the kitchen table.

It could be said tat color in painting is like enthusiasm in life.

A dull caravan of meetings.

How you had to spell out to him what it meant when the parents of your best friend didn’t invite you to his birthday party.

If you practice—

The new article for his website, The Healthy Smoker . The phone call to smart, proud, quietly sexy Ayaan, nudging her to move forward with the next script.

How they shoved you into a black box at the back of their brains and actively forgot you there.

— you can see things more Japanese.

A leisurely afternoon holed up in the studio, editing, a-sea in shell-gray cigarette smoke.

Then you looked around and discovered all the others crowded into the same black box as you.

Lemon, flax, primrose.

The black spiked fence backed by unclothing trees hemming the park.