Louis de Bernières - The Dust That Falls From Dreams

‘Duty! Paf! I am not talking about lying on your back and thinking of something else! I am talking about generosity, and plaisir ! Are you a woman?

‘I will tell you a secret. This is a Frenchwoman’s secret, you understand, no? First of all, what did your mother tell you about, you know, making babies?’

Rosie wiped her eyes on the back of her sleeve, and said, ‘Mama said I would have to go through great humiliation, but it’s worth it for the children. She says that relations with a husband are the price you pay for marriage, and marriage is the price that a man pays for relations.’

Mme Pitt was visibly shocked. She shook her head slowly from side to side. ‘ Oh, mon Dieu, mon Dieu! Your poor father. This is terrible! Oh là là! I will tell you what my mother told to me. She said, “ Chèrie , a good wife is a lady in the drawing room and a slut in the bedroom.”’

‘A slut?’ repeated Rosie incredulously.

‘A slut, my dear. Une salope! She said, “God Himself does not see what those who are married do when they are alone He minds His own business when people love.” And this is the most important of all: “If a woman does not bother with her husband she gives up her right to his fidelity. And if a man does not concern himself with his wife, he gives up his right to her fidelity.” Ça, c’est entendu partout. Tu comprends? ’

Rosie nodded her head.

‘I am talking about pratique ,’ said Mme Pitt, ‘I am not talking about any theories or what it says in any Bibles.’

‘But women and men are so different, aren’t they?’ said Rosie.

‘It seems to me that this is the excuse only. I ask you a question, OK? What do you call a woman who only gives herself to a man when she wants something from him?’

Rosie thought for a second, and ventured, ‘A prostitute?’ The word tasted vile in her mouth; it was difficult even to say it.

‘ Exactement . I believe that you have been interested only when you wanted the baby, and when you had the baby, paf! No more interest.’

Rosie flushed deeply and began to shake. She felt a most terrible shame and embarrassment, but also a rebellious sense of having been misjudged, and the sweat began to pearl on her head. She could hardly breathe. ‘Are you calling me a prostitute?’ she said at last.

‘I call you nothing. I was, you know, asking like Socrates. You know what a prostitute is. You told me yourself. You work it out. You use your brain.’

Rosie bridled. ‘Are you going to let me speak?’

‘Well, of course my dear. Speak.’

‘Isn’t a … prostitute … a woman who does things with people she has no feelings for? I do have feelings. I realise more and more that I do love Daniel, and it pains me that I’m no good for him. I cry about it sometimes, and I don’t know what to do. I was very fond of him when he was a little boy, and now I know him properly and I admire and respect him, and I do love him. When I accepted his proposal, I knew it was right. But I have always felt as if … as if I was being unfaithful.’

Mme Pitt leaned back and put her hands in her lap, looking at Rosie gravely. ‘ Chérie , you are quite right, that is what a prostitute does, and I see after all that it was a mauvaise comparaison. Je te demande pardon . But, ma chère , you overcame your problem when you wanted to make Esther, non ? And remember, you are talking about my son. He is not any man, he is my son, and I love him, and I am determined he should be happy.’

‘I’ve been sick with guilt. And worry. I think about it all the time.’

‘ Chérie , I am certain that your dead man would not want you to be faithful to him. He would want you to be happy. He was a friend of Daniel, remember? And I remember him too. What a handsome and nice young boy! How we all loved him! To think he’s dead, ça me fait pleurer . But he would want you and Daniel to be happy because he loved you both, I am sure of it.’

‘What about … what about when we die?’

‘When we die?’

‘Afterwards. When I get to Heaven, who is my husband?’

‘Can’t you leave that to God? And I think the good Lord said that in Heaven there is no husband and no wife. I remember, because when I heard it I didn’t like it! When I die I will go straight away to find my husband, whatever it says in the big book!’

Mme Pitt dipped a hand into her reticule and brought out a tiny lace handkerchief. She dabbed her eyes.

‘Once I had four sons and now I have only two. They are the most precious things I have on this earth. If Daniel is going to be miserable … Rosie, I can’t bear it!’

‘You are telling me to do my duty, aren’t you?’

‘ Non, non, non! That is what your mother would say. I am not at all like her. It is not a question of duty. It is a question of generosity, of savoir vivre, savoir aimer . So, Rosie, ma chère , you will go to Ceylon. You will be a proper wife. You will open your heart. You will please your dead man by making a living one happy! You will remember that your dead man was once a very good friend of the living one, and the dead one would not want you to make his friend unhappy. You will make little brothers and sisters for your daughter! And one day, a long time from now, you will look back, and you will say, “ Mon Dieu , I have been happy for years and I didn’t know.” This is what happened to me, Rosie. This is what happened to Gran’mère Pitt.’

‘I can’t go to Ceylon.’

‘ Mais pourquoi pas? You must go. C’est evident .’

‘I can’t go. Esther would be broken-hearted to leave the cat.’

‘What? Are you serious? Come on, Rosie, this is not believable! What is the reason? Tell me! J’insiste! Your father has already told me your excuses, and I don’t believe them!’

Rosie looked down at her hands. After some time she lifted her head and managed to say, ‘Daddy is going to die of a heart attack quite soon. I want to be here when it happens. I want to be with Daddy when he dies.’

‘ Mon Dieu! Die of a heart attack! How can you possibly know this?’

‘He feels dizzy when he stands up. He gets pains in his chest and his left arm. Sometimes he’s very tired. He spent all last Sunday in bed. He said he was “having a browse” but he was feeling weak.’

‘What about the doctor? Surely you called in the doctor?’

‘Dr Scott says his blood pressure is very variable, too high or too low, and he has a heart murmur. He told Daddy not to run for trains, and not to play thirty-six holes in one day any more.’

‘But does this doctor think there is danger?’

‘He says that we don’t have the proper skills yet, to know what is really happening, or what we should do. But I was a nurse. I know what I think, and I think that Daddy is going to have a heart attack. Ottilie isn’t as sure as I am, but she’s worried too.’

‘And does your father know what you think, chérie ?’

‘No, Gran’mère. ’

Mme Pitt said, ‘Well, now I understand a little bit more. Comprendre c’est pardoner, n’est-ce pas? But you know what your father would say, don’t you?’

‘He would tell me to go to Ceylon. He already has. Lots of times. He shouted at me, and he’s never done that before, even when we were little. It was horrible.’

‘Have you spoken to Daniel? What does he say?’

‘I’ve only told him I’m worried about Daddy.’

‘You said nothing about the heart?’

‘Only to Ottilie. I have a superstition.’

‘A superstition?’

‘If I talk about it, I’m afraid I’ll bring it about. It’s like worrying about falling in a ditch if you want to leap it. If you worry too much about it, you always fall in, don’t you?’