Hanif Kureishi - Gabriel's Gift

‘Lucian Freud.’

‘But he’s very … realistic. And I’m a vegetarian.’ Speedy started to laugh. ‘You’re joking, I know you are. You’re quite a kidder, kid. You won’t leave my ring out, will you?’

‘Where is it?’

‘You’ll see, baby. Coming up. Open your eyes.’

‘Wow.’

‘Yeah, told you.’

‘Must have hurt.’

‘That was the idea. D’you want one?’

‘I’m thinking of a tattoo, that’s all. A panther or something.’

‘Whereabouts?’

‘Let’s not get into that, Speedy.’

‘Right you are. I’ll zip this up then.’

‘You do that.’

Sitting on an animal-print covered chair, Gabriel wanted to work quickly, making preparatory studies for the picture. He had a few hours, for his mother would be out late. He had to be home before she returned, in case the alcohol made her sentimental and she had no one else to take in her arms at two in the morning.

‘Can I talk?’ said Speedy. ‘I’m so excited.’

‘You’re always excited.’

‘Not like this. What do you want — gossip or autobiography?’ Gabriel smiled. Speedy said, ‘Everything, then. If you’re going to paint me, you’re going to have to get to know me. Well, dear, when I was at your peachy age I became Jimmy McEnroe’s lover. He was in his late thirties then, and one of the top pop managers of the time. He wanted me to assist him, and assist him I did, baby. I got to know all the stars. Oh Gabriel, I always wanted to be a star. I never made it to that one.’

‘Speedy you are a star, in the restaurant.’

‘I’m the boss. That’s different. People want something, or they know me from last time. Gabriel, Jimmy was outrageous, until he went the way of a lot of our people, as I am going to. Still, I had a time and a half. All pop comes straight up from the gay underground. I know you’re not that way, Gabriel, and it’s a shame and a waste but I won’t hustle you, baby. In another way you’re one of us.’

‘Thanks.’

‘When I left Jimmy I …’

Speedy didn’t stop talking. He seemed to like being looked at, though Gabriel wished he wouldn’t keep craning his neck to try to see what Gabriel was doing.

‘You’ve got to keep still.’

‘I’m aching,’ complained Speedy. ‘I’ve never sat still before. I should be painting you!’

If this annoyed Gabriel, he was already so disgusted by every line he drew he wanted to either rip up his drawings and stamp on them or run from the building. He knew he’d never get to what he wanted to do. This wasn’t Speedy’s fault: his mixture of naïveté and cunning, of knowingness and vanity, made him a beautiful subject. But Gabriel was beginning to learn that any attempt at art would be held up by inhibitions, terror and self-loathing. He was pushing against a closed door, and the door was himself.

At the end, he was pleased to see there must have been a score of screwed-up balls of paper on the floor. He’d done enough for today; he couldn’t go any further. He knew how to go on.

When Gabriel said he was ready to go, Speedy said the car was waiting but that he needed a lift himself. Gabriel sat and listened to music while Speedy got changed again.

They drove to what Gabriel recognized as Jake Ambler’s house. The lights were on; figures moved about in the big glowing rooms.

‘Coming in?’ said Speedy in the stationary car. ‘You’ll know the people. What’s wrong? Are you afraid?’

‘I should be, but I’m not. Tonight I could do anything. You think I wouldn’t want to walk through that door and talk and hang out for hours? But my parents are in there, and they think I’m at home in bed.’

‘Who with?’

‘I wish.’

Speedy said, ‘Is it true? Are your mum and dad together? I thought they’d —’

‘Not a word to them about our work.’

‘My lips are zipped, my wings are clipped, my arse is whipped. Give me a kiss — I’ve shaved.’

‘Just a little one, Speedy, to thank you.’

‘Yum, yum … be my vanilla pillow, baby.’ Speedy was looking at him. ‘Come over for supper when you’ve finished the picture. I know some people who’d like to meet you. People who are more cultured than me — just a silly ol’ queen who serves hamburgers and has never read a book in his life. They’ll introduce you to all kinds of stuff and you can have conversations that’ll open your head up.’

‘Thanks Speedy, I would like that. I will come. Look —’

A car drew up in front of them. The door was opened and crouching Lester got out, fit and purposeful, followed by Karim Amir in a black suit. Lester went to the house, where Jake greeted him. Gabriel saw Carlo in the hallway, watching Lester move towards him.

Karim came to Speedy’s car and put his head through the window.

‘Hi, Creamy,’ said Speedy. ‘Your hair’s getting long again. Suits you.’

‘You sure?’

‘Oh yes. Lovely texture, too. This is Gabriel. He’s a film-maker. His dad played with Lester and then with Charlie.’

‘Lucky him. How you doing, Gabriel?’ He and Karim shook hands. ‘Coming in, Speedy?’ Karim said.

‘On my way.’ Speedy hurriedly gathered himself together. ‘Oh God, look — now there’s Marianne Faithfull! I’m so excited. I’m in here for a bit with the superstars. Then I’m off to the sauna. You can stay there all night.’

‘I’d like to see those places.’

‘You would? You should see everything. I’d look after you. We’ll talk, baby.’

Gabriel said, ‘Speedy, Lester might not remember me, but if he does will you thank him for the picture and for the things he said?’

‘Certainly.’

Speedy went off with Karim, tripping and panting.

Gabriel got out of the car and leaned against the railings outside the house, staring into the furnace of the chandeliers, but could make out little.

‘You see?’ he was telling Archie. ‘That wasn’t too bad, eh? Didn’t we have a good night?’

He wondered again how his life would have been different had Archie lived, and how the two of them would have influenced and loved and hated one another. He missed him.

Gabriel looked up to see a servant coming to close the shutters.

It wasn’t as late as Gabriel had thought, and he asked the driver to take him for a spin around London. Gabriel imagined the car’s silver grille grinning like sharks’ teeth as they ate up the city. When he was older, he would do this all the time, with his friends beside him.

As they drifted past the landmarks, Gabriel fell into a dream of the future, imagining his adventures, the films he’d make and scripts he’d write. He thought of the actors, musicians and producers he’d work with, the interviews he might give and what he’d say on television; he thought of where he would live, the parties he’d attend, the dissipations he’d be prone to and the women he would meet; he wondered whether he’d work in America or not and about the mistakes it might be profitable to make, and those to avoid. Like Lester, he would do fascinating things all the time!

What a bright place London was, he thought. Here anything could be achieved! You only had to wish high enough!

Of course, he wondered if he might fail at what he wanted, as his father ultimately had. A lot of people wanted to be someone, but who had the tenacity, the commitment, the steely determination? For how many people was it a necessity, a matter of life as opposed to death? He was too young to be careful. He was full of hope and the ambition of uncontainable wishes. He was ready, too, to work. Recently he’d had ideas for two or three projects that he hadn’t had time to consider properly. He wanted to write and draw new things. He saw now how bored he’d been recently, at home; he’d just about had enough of being alone and worrying about his parents.