Hanif Kureishi - Gabriel's Gift

Dad had hardly reached the bar before his pint was pulled and put down, next to Gabriel’s St Clement’s. They sat at their usual table, where Gabriel used to do his homework while Dad talked at the bar.

Immediately Dad seemed settled: Gabriel wondered whether he really intended to give his lesson. He loved his new work, and always seemed on the point of abandoning it.

Dad drank half his pint and licked his lips. ‘I wanted to say —’ he began.

‘Game, Rex?’ said one of his mates, coming over.

‘Not now, Pat. With the boy.’

‘Gabriel,’ said Pat. ‘Rex, where you been?’

‘Working.’

‘Working?’

Dad said, ‘Your surprise surprises and annoys me, Pat. Yes, working — where I’m off to when I’ve finished talking to Gabriel.’

‘Recording?’

‘That sort of thing,’ said Dad.

‘No time for your old mates?’

‘I’ll be back,’ said Dad. ‘Even you know that what goes up must come down. Don’t you worry!’

‘I am worrying,’ said Pat. He put his hands on the table and his face close to Dad’s. He had filthy nails. ‘You owe me.’

‘Yeah, maybe I do,’ laughed Dad. ‘I expect you owe me, too.Everyone in here owes everyone else and none of them’s going to get a bean!’

‘You’re working,’ said Pat. ‘I’m not.’

‘I am working this week, but I’m not carrying a lot of loose change around with me, am I, Gabriel? I can’t carry the weight.’ Dad said, ‘Pat, what about when I asked if I could stay at yours and you didn’t even bother to reply!’

‘Not my fault, pal. The wife —’

‘Oh yeah? The wife.’

‘At least I’ve still got one!’

‘Thanks. I even offered to kip on the floor of your shed in a sleeping-bag. I know who my friends are now.’

‘You’re working,’ said the man again. ‘Who are you trying to kid —?’

‘Look,’ said Dad, irritably. ‘Give me a break, will you? I’m with my boy. Just bugger off!’

‘But you owe me!’ said Pat with a horrible sense of injustice. ‘What’s that new jacket you’re wearing?’

Pat reached out and put his hand in Dad’s inside pocket. Dad forced his hand away.

‘Don’t you feel me up!’ said Dad. ‘You can fuck off now!’

‘Give me what’s mine!’ said Pat.

Everyone was watching. They were used to this and were fascinated. The manager reached under the bar for his cricket bat.

‘Not right now,’ said Dad. ‘You can wait a couple more days, can’t you? I always know where you are — here or in front of the telly.’

‘Look —’ said Pat.

Gabriel was pulling out the money Dad had given him.

‘Here we go,’ said Pat. ‘You’ve got a good, sensible boy there, man.’

‘No, not your pocket money,’ said Dad. ‘Put it away, Gabriel, right now!’

Pat took the money, kissed it and said, ‘Ta very much.’ He went to the bar and ordered a drink.

‘Bastard!’ shouted Dad. Pat wiggled his arse. To Gabriel Dad said, ‘I’ll make it up to you. Jesus, I’m sorry. These losers are a load of idiots. They never work but they’ll take everything.’

‘Dad —’

‘Quiet!’

‘All Along the Watchtower’ had come on the juke-box, even louder than the TV. At the first of Jimi’s chords one of Dad’s friends at the pool table looked up. Dad made a guitar gesture and ecstatically screwed up his face.

‘“There must be some way outta here,’” he sang. ‘This was all I wanted,’ said Dad. ‘To make a noise like that and have people listen to it thirty years later. It must seem pretty naïve to you. Maybe we all mythologized pop and pop stars too much, and refused to see what else is worth doing. I was thinking last night what a self-destructive period it was and how many people, gratuitously, unnecessarily, put themselves in the way of serious harm. How many of us — apart from Lester — emerged with our health and creativity?’

‘You did.’

‘I did? I know how self-destructive I am, but as with everything else, I’m not particularly good at it.’ He put his hand in Gabriel’s hair. ‘Are you making or breaking? That’s all I want to know, now. It’s not too late for me to say that I admire you, Gabriel.’

‘Me? What for?’

‘You ran the school magazine. You did the debating society, and the drama society.’

‘Not any more.’

‘No, you rebelled but at least you took part. You joined in and you will again. You’ll keep it together, I know you will. You’ll go much further than me. I kept myself apart. I know I’m intelligent. Except that it all got lost in negative energy. I wanted to rip everything down. It was a sixties idea to piss on things, the “straight” world, mainly. It was considered rebellious. But it meant I had a cynical soul and I wish I didn’t. I haven’t liked things enough. I haven’t opened the windows of my soul. I haven’t let enough in. If only I’d had your enthusiasm. That’s all that ambition is — enthusiasm with legs. Lester must have seen that in you.’

‘Thanks Dad. You’re —’

‘No, no. I’m not.’ Dad leaned across the table. ‘Have you got any of that money left? Drink up! Let’s have another one — to celebrate!’

‘You’ll have nothing to celebrate if you don’t turn up for your class,’ said Gabriel.

‘Forget about that,’ said Dad. ‘Pint of bitter!’ he called.

Gabriel said, ‘What would your mum say if she could see you now? She didn’t turn up to school half-pissed, did she?’

‘No, well. You’re right. You make me ashamed. You’re good at that. But listen — before we were interrupted by that fool I was saying something important. It was Jake on the phone. In fact he gave me the phone in the first place. “You need a phone,” Jake said. “Here you are — you’re a businessman now.” “Am I?” I said. “I hope it hasn’t come to that!”’

‘So he’s looking after you?’

‘Too well. Gabriel, he won’t leave me alone. I’ve been invited to … to …’

‘To what?’

‘A dinner. A formal dinner party.’

‘Great. Free food.’

‘It’s not great.’

Dad explained that Jake Ambler was delighted with his son’s progress. The boy had even spoken to him, once, without mentioning self-abuse. As a reward Jake had invited Dad to the house, along with other people he thought Dad might like: an art dealer, a movie director, a model who adored the Leather Pigs, and others.

‘He mentioned the director’s name. We’ve seen his films. He was a hero.’

‘That’s even better, then!’

‘What are you talking about? Why would he want to meet me? I’ll be sitting there sweating like a dunce with nothing to say. “What do you do?” People always ask that question at these things. What do I say? What do I do?’

‘You used to say to me: the truth might be a good start.’

‘Gabriel, I wish you could come with me. Except that it’s not a kid’s thing.’

‘Why is it bothering you so much?’

‘I’m not talented or successful or brilliant.’ He gestured at the pub. ‘I’m like these guys. Except that I feel ashamed of being ordinary. Talent’s a passport — it gets you into places. Without it you go nowhere, pal.’

Gabriel said, ‘But Jake likes you.’

‘I’m the only adult who can talk to that lunatic progeny of his. Because I listen to him. I’m a good ear.’

‘That’s a gift then. How many people can do such a thing?’

Another man had been eyeing them from the bar. When Gabriel glanced over again he saw the man swinging towards them, on crutches. Dad groaned.

The man said, ‘I saw you pay Pat back.’

‘So?’ said Dad. ‘The fucker went and stole Gabriel’s pocket money. I’m really sick of this.’