Benjamin Markovits - You Don't Have to Live Like This

“Yes.”

“Because it felt to me more personal than that.”

“He’s suspicious of people like me. He thinks we don’t like him.”

“What do you mean, people like you?”

“Hedge fund guys,” Robert said. After a minute, he went on: “Tony told me something about this Nolan character. He says he’s a very forceful personality.”

“Why don’t you just say it? He’s an angry black man.”

“Oh, get over it, Marny. You got a black girlfriend, and now you’re standing up for all the brothers?”

For some reason, this made me blush. “Fuck you, Robert,” I said.

He gave me a minute to calm down — he went to take a leak, and moved like a thirty-something man after his jog, feeling his weight on the steps. “We’re all paid up,” he said, coming back.

I stood up stiffly and Robert walked me to my front drive, which is where he’d parked his car.

“This is not how I wanted the conversation to go,” he said. “The thing about you, Marny, is that you’re the kind of guy who falls in love with guys. I don’t mean like a gay thing, but you get ideas about them and you can’t see straight. You were the same about Tony at first. This guy could do real damage if we don’t watch out.”

I said I’d talk to him.

BUT I TALKED TO STEVE Zipp first. I sometimes helped him look after his boy. The kid was about a year and a half now and fun to be around. He looked like Steve, pale and serious; his hair was cut like Steve’s, too, and he had skinny red knees and walked around like a guy late for work. Neil Lyman — Lyman was his mother’s name. Neil was a bad napper and Steve often drove him to sleep in the afternoon. Sometimes I drove with him. Then we sat in the car and talked or parked by Joe’s and got a cup of coffee with Neil in the car.

“Tell me about Tyler Waites,” I said.

“He’s one of those loud guys people like. Like in high school he would have been the class clown, but the kind of class clown even the teacher got along with. Funny, not mean. If you go around with Tyler he talks to everybody and you just stand around and watch him work.”

“Is he a racist?”

“Let me put it this way. I’m willing to bet that around the wrong people he’s gone along with some jokes that are a little off. Maybe he even makes these jokes himself. But it’s also true that if you walk into 7-Eleven with him, and the lady working the counter is one of these big black ladies, with five-inch fingernails and artificial hair, you know, someone you and I have basically nothing to say to, he’ll have a fifteen-minute conversation with this woman, where she laughs her head off, and you have to drag him out of the store.”

“What’s he look like?”

“Too tall. Good-looking, but doesn’t mind looking stupid. Slightly preppy. I think he’s a decent golfer. I like him. He calls me Nerd Man. Why do you want to know?”

“Gloria and I have been fighting about this whole thing.” I also told him about Nolan Smith, that he was planning to raise a big stink about Tyler Waites. “Robert James asked me to talk him out of it.”

“Okay, well,” Steve said. “Tyler’s got a thick skin. Let me show you something about Robert James, though. I maybe figured out why the numbers add up.”

We were driving around in his Oldsmobile, not really going anywhere but just driving around. Neil had just about fallen asleep in the back. It was another fine blue May afternoon, with a bit of breeze to make it cool in the shade. But the car got hot in the sunlight, which was clear and direct. Those big leather front-row bench seats get hot pretty quick.

At one point he pulled into the parking lot of the twenty-four-hour McDonald’s at the corner of Conner and Mack. “I had breakfast here once,” I said, “the night after Gloria and I got together. There were all these guys coming off shift, and me with zero sleep, you know, when you feel real cold and it was cold as hell out anyway. For some reason I walked back from her place and got lost. Then I came across this McDonald’s and just sat there feeling kind of spaced out and at peace with everybody.”

“How’s that going?”

“I don’t know. It’s all new territory. I keep doing things I haven’t done before and saying things I haven’t said before.”

He turned the car around and drove back slowly the way we had come. “I’m happier now than I’ve ever been in my life,” he said.

“How much of that is to do with the kid?”

“Some of it. And it doesn’t hurt I only have to see him every other weekend. But the main thing is I’m not working very hard, life is cheap, and there are people around who want to have a good time. The Internet is a beautiful thing. I get to have sex with actual women, it’s amazing.”

“I can’t tell when you’re being serious anymore.”

“Look, my whole life I lived conventionally. I got an accounting degree, for Christ’s sake. And it turns out this is a crazy, crazy way to live. Because there’s all kinds of stuff you want to do, let’s face it, there’s stuff you’re actually doing, that you can’t say anything about to the people who love you. So it starts to get weird — you start to get weird. This is how I came across. I don’t want to give all the credit to coming here. There are things I’m doing now I couldn’t have done if my mother were still alive. A couple of months ago, for example, I had a date with a guy — he posted something on the E-change along the lines of, if you haven’t tried it, you can try it with me. Some gay guys get their kicks out of turning you around.”

“So what happened?”

“You see that, you’re paying attention now. You want to know.”

“So tell me.”

“Well, this is something I can do, gay sex is something I’m capable of. But it wasn’t for me. I’m too competitive. I don’t mean physically. Emotionally the kind of person I want to be intimate with is the Other. I want differences, I want allowances, I want explanations.”

“Maybe you didn’t meet the right guy.”

“Well, I tried it once, maybe I’ll try it again. But I don’t think so. You don’t get points for scoring guys, that’s not what you dream about. I mean, when you’re thirteen years old and covered in zits. At least I didn’t. I wanted girls. And then you get to college and girls are everywhere, they’re in your bathroom, taking a dump, they’re coming out of the shower, they’re eating food, and none of them will look at you. I still didn’t have a chance. Now I do, that’s all. But what I want to know is, who’s paying for all this? It’s the accountant in me, I can’t get rid of him. Look, this is what I wanted to show you.”

Neil was asleep by this point, and Steve parked by the gate of the big industrial plant under the bridge. There was still a pile of garbage in the forecourt, rubber tires, shopping carts, dirty clothes, but there were also a couple of cars, including a security vehicle with a siren on the hood.

“What’s security doing in this dump, right?” Steve said.

“There’s nobody there.”

“Just stay in the car,” he said.

I watched him get out and walk up to the fence. In spite of the sunshiny weather, he wore long pants and a buttoned-up white-collared blue shirt. Pants always looked too big on him. He needed to belt them in and his legs showed up only at the knees.

There was a locked chain holding the gates shut, and he tugged on that a little, but they wouldn’t budge. The fence had barbwire on top but the gates didn’t, and for a minute he tried to climb up the vertical bars — he jumped and tried to pull himself up. When that didn’t work he started calling out, “Hey, hey, anybody home?” But nobody came. I saw him looking around in the dirt and then he picked up a loose brick and threw it over the fence. When it landed a few pieces broke off.