Ann Beattie - Distortions

*

“I thought jumping rope with the intestine was a joke,” Estelle says. “That’s not what you’re doing, is it? It’s not really an intestine?”

“No, there are no cows on Mars, so we consider your milk a delicacy. We have alcohol. Juniper berries grow in profusion. It’s really very pretty, all the bushes, in addition to the gin it produces.”

“Are they coming out?” Big Bear asks, nodding toward the spaceship.

“We’ve been on so many missions that they just don’t care any more.”

“What do they come for, then?”

“There has to be a certain number aboard.”

“What for?”

“I never asked. We keep busy, though.”

“What do you do?”

“Well, Donald likes to play games. He got some jigsaw puzzles the last time we were here, and he never tires of that, particularly a round puzzle that’s a pizza.”

“He just plays games?”

“They drink milk if we stop for it. We have to stop in the woods, of course, and there usually aren’t any stores. They loved Maine. There were stores in the middle of nowhere.”

“We love Maine,” Estelle says.

“It’s awfully nice,” the spaceman says.

“Are you going to take more pictures?” Big Bear asks.

“I’m just trying to think … where would be a good spot?”

“Can’t we just stand by the car?”

“I think they’ll want variety.”

Estelle smiles. “Would you like me to take off my clothes?” she asks.

“She’s kidding,” Big Bear says.

“I thought we’d take those later,” the spaceman says.

“We’re not taking our clothes off,” Big Bear says.

“I’ll put you under a spell, Bill,” the spaceman says.

“You can’t put me under any spell.”

“Please try not to be hostile. I personally have no interest in taking nude photographs.”

“Then let’s leave that crap out.”

“I can’t leave it out. They said to get some.”

“Tell them it was foggy and it didn’t turn out”

“I’ll undress,” Estelle says.

“Don’t you think it’s a little cold for nude posing?” Big Bear says.

“Yes,” the spaceman says. “Maybe we should go to your place.”

*

Sleep soundly, sweet ones. Don’t wake up and want water, or you might see the spacemen in the kitchen. You don’t like it when your brother plays with your special toys … how would you like it if a spaceman was tapping pegs through holes and squares through squares? You wouldn’t like it. It’s good you’re a sound sleeper. One of the spacemen is in the bathroom. Imagine walking into the bathroom and seeing a spaceman urinating.

*

“I said I’m not too drunk to drive, and I’m not.”

“You’re no judge. Laura is probably right.”

“Side with me. I’m your husband.”

“In effect I am siding with you. If you had an accident …”

“Big Bear doesn’t have accidents.”

“like John Wayne?”

“What are you taunting me for? You want to get home or don’t you?”

“It might be better if I drove.”

“It might be better, but you’re not going to do it.”

“All right. But drive slowly. There’s so much fog.”

“This piece of crap car isn’t helping us any. The thing’s so light, a wind would blow it over. When are you going to give up and let me turn it in for another one?”

“I thought flashy cars didn’t matter to you.”

“What did I say about flash? I just said a car — a decent car.”

“This is a decent car. It was driven by my brother before he died in that horrible war.”

“Where did you get his underwear from in the first place?”

“I don’t want to talk about my brother.”

“I don’t want that underwear in my drawer. Where the hell did you get your brother’s underwear?”

“Where do you think? From his drawer.”

“Well, why did you take that, if it isn’t prying?”

“It’s not as though I just took that”

“What else did you take?”

“I took his things. I don’t want to talk about my brother, Bear.”

“What things? Tell me or I’m not going to pull out of the driveway, and Laura can wave and scowl all night.”

“I took shirts and sweaters. Satisfied?”

The car pulls out of the driveway. Big Bear despises the car.

“Why haven’t I ever seen them?”

“I put them away for the boys.”

“They don’t want your brother’s stuff. By the time it fits them they wouldn’t wear anything that unfashionable.”

“I am not aware of radical style changes in men’s sweaters.”

“I want the underwear to go! You keep the shirts, I’ll throw out the underwear.”

“You keep your hands off my brother’s things.”

“You put it in my drawer and order me not to touch it. Why didn’t you put it in your own damn drawer?”

“It makes me sad.”

“Then get rid of it.”

“Can we please talk about something else? I thought you liked my brother.”

“I didn’t have anything against your brother, but I don’t want his underwear in my drawer.”

“If you keep driving this fast, you’ll die before it can be removed.”

“Don’t change the subject. The subject is underwear. You can keep it under your pillow if you want, but get it out of my drawer.”

“Yes, sir.”

“I don’t feel guilty,” Big Bear says. “Nobody would put up with that.”

In front of their car something hovers in the sky, but it’s too close to be a plane. It’s shapeless, which is funny, because it’s close enough to figure out a shape. A mound. A mound?

“What’s that?” Big Bear asks.

“Maybe we should get the uncomfortable pictures over with, and then we could take a few more by the car, or over there.”

“Oh, cut it out,” Big Bear says. “No nudie shots.”

“I’m a family man, too, Bill. I’d like to just simplify matters and get home to my family. Could you drop your pants?”

“No.”

Estelle is unbuttoning her coat.

“No,” Big Bear says to her, and grabs her hand. She tries to get it away from him.

Estelle is shrugging her dress down, smiling at the spaceman.

The camera clicks.

“How old are your children?” she asks.

“That’s enough!” Big Bear says. “Can we go home?”

“I’d like the others, and then you can go on your way.”

“It’s too God damn cold,” Big Bear says.

“Let’s take them to our place, Bear. We could give them milk and they could take the other pictures.”

“That would be fine,” the spaceman says.

“You’re not invited,” Big Bear says.

“I was just invited.” The spaceman smiles politely. “I’ll get the others.”

“I thought they had to stay with the ship.”

“I’m doing you a favor, Bill. Would you rather stay here longer?”

Big Bear shivers. What if Sammy and David drank the last of the milk.

*

The other spacemen are named Donald and Fred. There is something wrong with Fred; his wrists are bent funny, and his mouth wrinkles when he tries to smile, which is all of the time. “He’s retarded,” Donald says. Good God, Big Bear thinks. Won’t Fred hear Donald?

“We’ve been stuck with him on the last seven missions,” Donald says.

They are walking up Big Bear’s front walk. They are inside the house. The babysitter has gone to sleep in the spare bedroom. She turned off all the lights. Big Bear can’t see. Donald has a flashlight. He turns it on.

“Thanks,” Big Bear says.

He heads for the light switch. Fred, it seems, is not only retarded, but violent. He struggles with Donald and wins. Fred has the flashlight. He pokes it into his mouth. His cheeks light up. No one tries to take the flashlight away from Fred. “I’ve had it up to here with him,” Donald says, but no one tries to get the flashlight. Big Bear has located the light switch, so it’s okay. Sort of okay. Fred’s cheeks are orange.