Miriam Toews - The Flying Troutmans

When they got home Darius lived with them for a while, but then decided that what he really needed for his personal growth was to get rid of his possessions and take a very long, indefinite trip to the North Pole. That’s great, Min said. She was tired of having all that self-esteem anyway. Blech. Feeling good was lousy for her art.

They said goodbye to Darius. He told Min she shouldn’t take it personally, that she had taught him so much about love, and he told Thebes he’d send her a Christmas present straight from Santa’s workshop. Right, right. He and Logan had nothing to say to each other.

Denver was coming up any minute but we decided to bypass it and veer off west on the I-70 towards the mountains, and the desirable land of Moab. Logan was reading a new Q magazine he’d bought at the last gas station. Thebes was reading over his shoulder.

Hattie, she said, your boyfriend, Ryan Adams, is two-timing you with Winona Ryder.

I just said I liked his music, sort of, I said.

She told me her last assignment in school, before she was sprung, had been to research the life of an important individual in musical history.

Who did you do? I asked her.

Beyoncé Knowles, she said, from Destiny’s Child.

What do you think the odds are of me ever achieving knighthood? said Logan.

Oh, I said, sixteen to one, around there.

What do you have to do to be knighted? asked Thebes.

I don’t know, said Logan, something great.

Okay, here we go, I said. I pulled into a gas station and up to the pump.

Thebes wanted to pump the gas. She jumped out of the van with a karate kick and almost smashed into the other guy pumping gas. He looked at her like he was about to be assaulted by Happy the dwarf.

I don’t know, said Logan, but I think Thebes is starting to smell bad. I told him it was very considerate of him not to have mentioned it when she was around. I asked him if it was my job to get her to shower or bathe and he said he had no idea. He thought yeah, probably, and that she would need aggressive encouragement because it wasn’t really her thing. He got out of the van and suddenly there were about six Japanese teenagers standing around him. They pointed at his headphones and smiled. He smiled back at them.

Rock ’n’ roll? one of them said.

Yeah, said Logan. Rock ’n’ roll.

Rock ’n’ roll! said the guy.

Yes! said Logan. Rock ’n’ roll.

They were all smiling and feeling groovy. I told Logan I wanted to use the pay phone to call Min and he said he wanted to talk to her too.

The hospital said Min wasn’t available. Oh, I said, what exactly does that mean? They asked if they could phone me back later in the day, after rounds. No, see, I said, the thing is I’m at a pay phone. Can I phone you later?

What are they saying? said Logan.

Well…not much, I whispered.

Ask to speak to Min, he said.

I did, I said. I can’t right now.

Can you just tell me in a nutshell how she’s doing? I asked the woman. Thebes was wandering around the parking lot looking at the ground and occasionally bending down and picking things up.

Well, said the woman, there have been a few incidents and she’s—

What kind of incidents? I asked. Logan looked at me. It’s okay, it’s okay, I whispered to him.

She’s not adapting to the program the way we would have liked her to, said the woman.

Oh yeah? I said. So, what does that mean? She’s fine, I whispered to Logan. Stupidly gave him two thumbs way up.

Well, she’s somewhat hostile towards the nurses, said the woman. And her roommate. And her doctor. She refuses to speak. She won’t eat. She won’t get out of bed. Not for any reason.

Oh, that’s not…that’s unfortunate, I said. The woman agreed.

She’s good, she’s good, I said to Logan. Is she okay? I asked the woman.

The woman said yes, she’d been sedated and was resting. She couldn’t say much more than that but if I could call back, after rounds, she was sure the doctor could tell me more.

All right, okay, I said. I lowered my voice and asked the woman if Min had indicated any interest at all in seeing me or her kids.

Not that she knew of, said the woman. In fact, she said, one nurse had told her that Min had said she’d never had children.

Okay, I said. Can you just tell me exactly at what time I’d be able to speak to her doctor?

No, she couldn’t, she said, it varied, it depended on how many patients the doctor was seeing and how long it would take for him to see them. Et cetera, she added.

But ballpark, I said. I had developed a killer headache in the last five seconds. I put my hand on Logan’s shoulder. I felt like I was going to fall. I could hear Thebes singing something over by the Free Air. She was twirling around, fully inhabiting her weird zone, lit up by the sun and laughing.

You okay? said Logan.

Of course! I said.

I’m sorry, said the woman, I wish I could tell you more. Really, it would be best if you could call again later. Tell me your name again? In case I’m able to pass the message on to the patient…

Min! I said. I mean, no, Hattie! Hattie Troutman. I’m Min’s sister. What the fuck?

I hung up and smiled. Okay! I said. Everything’s fine. Gold. She’s busy.

She’s busy? said Logan. Doing what?

Oh, stuff…like, you know, I said. They have meals and then they have Group and then they have sessions and then…tests…They walk around too, don’t they? It’s nuts.

Well, he said, why’d you ask if she was okay?

I don’t know, I said. No, I do know. Because that’s obviously the big question, right? Is she okay? I mean, that’s what we want to know, right? That’s why we’re calling the hospital. I sat down on the pavement and leaned against the cinder-block wall of the gas station. I closed my eyes and tried to pray but all I could do was channel Bowie and think about how planet Earth was blue and there was nothing I could do.

What are you — Are you okay? asked Logan. He crouched down beside me.

Oh, yeah, I said. It’s just so hot…isn’t it?

When I came to I was stretched out in the supply room with a fan blasting cold air five inches from my face and Logan and Thebes sitting cross-legged on the concrete floor beside me, staring. I looked at the kids and smiled.

Wassup, player? said Thebes.

Thebes, said Logan. Jesus.

I showed Logan how to start the van with the screwdriver. If you get pulled over, tell them you’re sixteen, I said.

What do I do if they ask to see my driver’s licence? he said.

Oh, I don’t know, I said. Stall for time. Don’t get pulled over.

He’d drive to a town called Fruita and then we’d deke down to Moab. First of all he stopped at a grocery store and he and Thebes ran in and bought some cheese and salami and something she called shabu-shabu and bread and fruit and water and a bunch of jumbo-sized chocolate bars and fireworks and a stylin’ cover with flames on it for the steering wheel and a bottle of wine for me and a corkscrew.

I lay in the back seat of the van and listened to a family in the parking lot discussing our licence plate.

What the hell is that? said the guy.

It’s not what, it’s where, honey, said the woman. It’s a licence plate.

Yeah, said the guy, but what the hell does it say?

It says something like Anaconda, said the woman, or…

No, it doesn’t, it says…lemme see.

The guy slapped his hand on the back window and I sat up and opened the side door and said, It says Manitoba, okay? Manitoba.

Where the hell is that? said the guy. In California?

Yes, it is, I said.

Well, now, there you go, hon, mystery solved, said the woman.

When I opened up the bottle of wine, Thebes said whoa, you yanked that cork out of there like you were saving it from drowning. She got out her markers and drew a screaming face on the cork. She made me a sandwich and cut it into tiny triangles, bite-size. I lay on the back seat with my head in her lap and she tried to cheer me up. She made the rescued cork sing songs from Super Fly and she played games with me. Logan was driving with his mondo headphones on so his music wouldn’t bug me but mostly so he couldn’t hear Thebes.