Bob Odenkirk - A Load of Hooey

I have cheated on Betty in brief, one-night affairs, and a few long-term ones. I have cheated on her with men and women, and groups of men and women, and one person who was kind of an “either/or,” if you know what I mean.

My beautiful wife, Betty, doesn’t know about this, but we will be discussing it in private soon after this press conference ends, and then, later, in public, and finally, possibly, in a court of law.

Now, I have not always been a willing participant in these — how shall I characterize them? — “sex games.” Sometimes I was drunk. One time I had a blindfold on. Twice I was paid. Once I did it on a dare. But in at least thirty instances that I can recall I was cooperative and willing, so don’t get the idea that I’m a quick lay or easy to blindfold. In fact, I put that blindfold on myself! The media will, no doubt, suggest that there is something weird about me wearing a blindfold while having sex with two people I’d only met a few hours before, but I assure you that I was on Ecstasy and I would have tried almost anything.

darn these ol’ books!

Now, a further word about my beloved wife, Betty. I have been married to this same wonderful, understanding, occasionally oblivious woman for thirty-two years. Through it all — all the sex with other people, all the awesome nastiness — I have stayed married to her, with a quiet pride in myself and what a good guy I am. In all these years I have married only one other woman, and had but one second, secret family, and this was in another state, more than thirty miles away — and believe me, the added responsibility, as well as the commute, was no picnic. My enemies will try to twist this and accuse me of polygamy, but it’s not polygamy because neither wife knew about the other wife and I think polygamy usually means the wives know about each other, right? I’m not sure if I’m right about that, but I’m sure I will find out soon after this press conference and I will get back to you with a definition clarified by a court of law.

So there you have it. I have committed adultery, pickpocketing, and general scumbaggery on a semiregular basis, and now you know. Did I fail to mention my pickpocketing? Well…I’m a pickpocket. I do it all the time. Can’t help myself. I’m sure with the Secret Service around I’ll be forced to cut back on that exciting little hobby. Then again, maybe they’ll make it easier — it might provide cover for me…yeah, this is going to work great. Vote for me, and let the pocket picking begin!

“ Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results . Also, if you see your friend’s face mutate into all four members of the rock group the Beatles, that’s a sign as well.”

— Narcotics Anonymous Saying

If you’re reading this, then I am dead. If my plan has been carried out with any degree of success, then there are more than a few disgruntled people left in my wake, as well as a few disgruntled people AT my wake*—for reasons that will become obvious later in this document.

This is my Manifesto, the Rosetta Stone that will give meaning to my actions and sacrifice — so read it carefully. All CAPITALIZED words are meant to have greater significance than the other words that gather at their feet. Please read the CAPITALIZED words in a slightly louder voice inside your head to get the full effect.

I will now enumerate the ways in which I, and others, have been APPALLED, ANNOYED, and ASSAULTED by the WORLD in its current state of FESTERING ROT. Firstly, TECHNOLOGY has misled us, our INFRASTRUCTURE is crumbling due to neglect and malfeasance, CHEMISTRY is in a state of chaos and disequilibrium, and SOCIAL GRACES are practically nonexistent. These are just my bullet points — I have a lot to say, so wish me well, here are the SPECIFICS…

1. TECHNOLOGY must be DESTROYED or at least LOOKED UPON WITH SKEPTICISM. The TURNING POINT was the manufacture of the MOST RECENT iPHONE. Everything up until then was PERFECT, and perfectly in line with Nature and God’s wishes, but these new iPhones are just…well, I don’t have the latest one yet, but…it seems TOO good, if you ask me. God is not blind, and he’s VERY sensitive, and his wrath is manifest in many ways, not the least of which is THE WEATHER, which has been far TOO HOT lately — does that tell you anything? Think about it.

2 (or 1B). The INFRASTRUCTURE of our modern society is completely compromised due to overbuilding and LACK OF RESOURCES. The entire grid is compromised and cracking, its weakness showing everywhichawhere. There is a solid three-foot-in-diameter brick of pavement at the end of my street which is being pushed UPWARD, teetering, literally TEETERING on the PEPPER TREE ROOT that is growing violently upward underneath it. This is scraping the BOTTOMS of cars. Including MINE. Somebody FIX IT!

2B. CHEMISTRY has also failed and bewildered us as a people, and continues to baffle and bum me OUT. What is it? At what point have you broken things down enough and now you’re just playing with increasingly SMALL PARTICLES that no one can see or even remember the name of? Everything smaller than “a teaspoon” is really not necessary and only serves to ANGER me and fuel my PLAN, which I will get to in a second.

3. Point three has been CUT. You WILL NEVER KNOW what point three was. I have NO PITY for you and am perfectly happy to confuse the masses who seem to like terrible TV SHOWS as much as they like GOOD ONES. TV has gone down the craphole…and NO, that was NOT the third point.

4. MY BELT is too long. I had to add a hole to it and it looks homemade and crappy and the excess belt just hangs out there, FLAPPING ABOUT.

CONCLUSION: THE POLITICAL SYSTEM in America is the best in the world. Our Forefathers had FOREsight and we owe it all to them. But the ELECTORAL COLLEGE is the most outstanding aspect of this system. It keeps the IGNORANT masses from voting into office the latest YAMMERING IDIOT whose razzle-dazzle they fall for. PLEASE KEEP THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE. If the electoral college is STILL IN PLACE when I die, then you will know I completed at least one part of my PLAN as PLANNED.

MY PLAN

My plan is that I WILL participate in our unfair, unjust, technologically deficient, chemistry-burdened, politically superb society AS IT STANDS, without making WAVES. I will deviously and cleverly CARVE out a life of quiet acquiescence to the grave INJUSTICES that I have enumerated as this social order BENEFITS ME GREATLY as a WHITE AMERICAN MALE. How and ever, all the while I am living, I will WRITE DOWN MY IDEAS and keep them hidden from the world UNTIL MY shocking and preplanned DEATH from OLD AGE. This plan will call for steadfast patience and some degree of QUIET DESPERATION, but I am up for it! You have been WARNED!

I am sorry it had to end this way, but I needed to teach the world a lesson. I hope you enjoyed reading this interpretation of my travails and hero’s journey, and that it has filled your memory of me with significance and purpose, and that you liked the capitalizations.

* UPON MY DEATH, at my wake, if you’re going to have a small coffee-service area, somebody put a bowl of BRUSSELS SPROUTS out AS A SNACK…that’ll show everyone.