Christopher Moore - Secondhand Souls

Audrey was accustomed to leading meetings at the Buddhist Center, and they usually held them in what had been the parlor in the grand old house, with attendees sitting on the floor, but for this one she decided that they should all sit on chairs. She and Charlie set them up in a circle. Introductions were made all around, with as little biography as possible, because they could have filled the entire day with the reasons each of them was there.

“Well,” said Minty Fresh. “I think Audrey ought to start, because it seems like once again we are dealing with metaphysical shit that she’s spent a lot more time thinking about than the rest of us.”

“Oh, that’s just a load of moo-poo and you know it, Mr. Fresh. You all are much more experienced than I am.”

“Uh-huh,” said Fresh. “You did a ritual that moved Charlie’s consciousness out of a monster you made from deli meat into that dude over there, who you more or less talked into jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge so you could do it. Anyone else feel like they got more experience with spooky-ass supernatural shit than that? Show of hands.”

No one raised his hand. Carrie Lang and Baptiste, who knew nothing of the Squirrel People, looked dumbfounded, even for people whose work involved collecting human souls. Wiggly Charlie had been locked in the butler’s pantry with the last two mozzarella sticks and a tennis ball he’d taken a liking to, largely to avoid a lengthy and somewhat irrelevant explanation of how he came to be, but also to keep Bummer from eating him. The stalwart Boston terrier had growled and scratched at the pantry door until the Emperor was forced to exile him and Lazarus to the porch.

“I’ll start,” said Lily, and when Minty Fresh started to object that he had just made a perfect explanation of why Audrey should run things, Lily glared him into silence.

“Proceed,” said the big man.

Lily said, “Seems to me, we need to figure out what is happening, why it’s happening, and what we need to do about it, agreed?”

Everyone nodded except Baptiste, who said, “I don’t even know why I am here. I do my part and everything works out as it should, just like it says in the Big Book. ”

“Speaking of which,” said Carrie Lang, who was wearing a casual business suit instead of her usual denim and Indian jewelry ensemble. “I’m guessing that there’s a reason that we’re totally ignoring the instructions in the Big Book not to have contact with each other.

She looked at Minty Fresh.

“We think that the rules have been changing,” said the Mint One.

“Right,” said Lily, taking back the floor. “Did each of you bring your copy of the Great Big Book of Death ?”

Rivera, Carrie Lang, and Baptiste all nodded. Minty Fresh said, “Rivera has mine now.”

“Good,” Lily said. “Do they all say ‘revised edition’ on the cover?”

Everyone nodded.

“And none of you has ever been out of possession of the book since you received it?”

No all around.

“Yet it’s changed, right? M, you knew the text backward and forward, and it changed?”

“Yes.”

“All of them did,” Lily said. “Spontaneously.” She looked at Audrey. “What’s up with that?”

“No idea,” said Audrey. “All this was going on when I met Minty Fresh and Charlie in their shops, when I was looking for soul vessels. I thought they were somehow trapping the souls. I didn’t know they passed on to the next person through the object.”

Lily looked at Minty Fresh. “See, she doesn’t know anything about it.” To the group she said, “We know that the book set down rules to keep the Underworlders or whatever from rising, which everyone broke, causing the shit storm last time, bringing up the Morrigan and that thing with the wings, that Asher saw them tear apart.”

Rivera said, “If we try to figure out why it’s happening, we won’t get anywhere. We need to figure out what is happening. And I can tell you, I haven’t seen the Morrigan, but I’ve heard them.”

Baptiste nodded.

“And they killed Cavuto,” Rivera went on. “There’s no doubt in my mind. I’ve seen that feathery goo that passes for their flesh, and we’ve all seen what their venom does.” He nodded to Charlie.

“That hand job in the alley was completely against my will,” Charlie said.

“He means killing you,” said Minty Fresh.

“Exactly,” said Lily. “How did the Big Book change? It assumes that you’ve already broken the rules.” She snatched Rivera’s copy off his lap and paged through it. She read, “ So you fucked up — It says, A new order will be established. In the meantime, try not to get killed or let your world be overwhelmed by darkness forever. ”

“That’s really not that helpful,” said Charlie. “I think we need pushpins and red string. You’re supposed to put all the stuff you know on a bulletin board with pushpins, then connect them with red string. It’s a must for figuring things out.” He looked at Rivera, who was a cop and would know about such things.

Lily looked at the others. “Clearly Asher is still an idiot, so at least we have that on our side.”

“Hey!”

“A new order,” Lily said. “That’s you.” She pointed to Baptiste. “He’s selling souls on the Internet, at swap meets, that’s new. Rivera is new, too. He didn’t collect any souls for a year, and Asher’s calendar was active as well, yet bad stuff only just started happening. Before the big battle, that kind of screwup would have brought up a world of trouble. It’s new.”

“Plus the banshee,” Rivera said. “She warned me of a new, elegant Death. Something more insidious than what came before.”

“I thought she was one of them,” said Minty Fresh.

“That was her at Cavuto’s funeral yesterday, singing,” Rivera said. “That wasn’t enemy action. You felt it.”

Everyone who had been there, which was everyone but Carrie Lang, had felt it.

“Comfort and consolation,” said the Emperor. “I felt it.”

“And I think she was there the night Cavuto was killed, but not to hurt him. To warn him. It’s what she does. She’s a good guy.”

“What about the other thing she warned of, the ‘elegant Death’?”

“He’s here,” said Minty Fresh.

Everybody looked to the big man, the same look: You’re telling us this now?

“I wasn’t sure. I saw a car in my neighborhood, early the day we pulled Charlie from the bay. A 1950 Buick Roadmaster fastback. Can’t be a dozen of them in that condition left in the world. It’s why I brought the soul vessels with us on the boat, besides what happened to Cavuto. In fact, y’all need to carry all the soul vessels you have, old and new, with you at all times to keep them safe.”

“Can’t they just kill people and take their souls, like the cop?” asked Carrie Lang. She looked quickly to Rivera. “Sorry, I mean the policeman. Your partner.”

“That’s just it,” said Minty Fresh. ”They didn’t get his soul. He came up in your calendar just before they attacked him. I saw it when I was at your shop.” He looked to Rivera. “Show them.”

Rivera reached into a leather briefcase beside his chair and pulled out a very large, short-barreled, stainless-steel revolver. He held it up so everyone could see. “Brian, Cavuto’s husband, asked me to come by their house yesterday after the services. He said Nick wanted me to have it.”

“I thought they’d gotten it,” said Carrie Lang. “That I wouldn’t be able to retrieve it at all.”

“What? What?” Lily said.

To everyone in the room except her and the Emperor, the revolver was glowing a dull red. Charlie leaned over and whispered to Lily. “It was Nick Cavuto’s soul vessel.”