Elise Blackwell - An Unfinished Score

Finally Petra sits up. “I think you just have to play things out.”

“Do what she wants? Go on with it all?”

Petra nods. “Unless you want to explode your whole life, that’s what you should do.”

“It might explode anyway.”

Petra nods. “But it will definitely explode any other way.”

Suzanne nods short and fast, for a long time, settling into the idea, the plan that is no plan at all. “I’ll be at her mercy.”

“I think you already are, sweetie. If you defy her you’ll be exploding your own life, but still it won’t really be on your terms.”

Petra and Suzanne sleep fully clothed, side by side, all morning. They order room service, Suzanne adding a ridiculously generous tip to the already steep bill. “It might be my last meal. Besides, empty stomach.”

“I’m glad you can laugh about throwing up in front of a room full of music people.”

“The alternative is too depressing,” Suzanne answers, biting into a strawberry, trying to decide which sandwich she wants.

“I’m flying home a day later than you. I thought it was the right thing to do, to give you and Ben the house to yourself at first.”

“You know we can’t live together anymore.”

“I figured that out by myself. I was just talking about right away.”

“I promised I would always be there for Adele, and I will. We’ll work it out so that it’s good for her, so that it’s okay for everyone. It doesn’t have to happen tomorrow, so we can figure it out. We can’t live together, but I will be there for her.”

“Will you be there for me?”

Suzanne shrugs. “We’re going to have to play that by ear.”

Petra smiles, rueful. “Rotten pun.”

“The best I can do, but I promise I’ll be there at the surgery, and after. She’s going to be able to hear, to hear music.”

“Okay.” Petra looks away, biting her lower lip, obviously close to crying. She repeats herself in a whisper, “Okay.”

Suzanne cannot stop the farce. She cannot even skip it. So when the time comes she dresses as if for performance, does her hair, puts on makeup, and packs her suitcase so she’ll be ready to leave for the airport first thing in the morning.

She sits beside Olivia, not looking at her, among the other composers in the beautiful and full concert hall. She applauds for Eric’s piece and Lisa-Natasha’s, for Bruce and for Paul. She offers her loudest applause for Greg’s symphony, because it is a work of art, a thing so smart and perfect that it throws off cool sparks.

Though the biographies of the great composers offer plenty of evidence to disprove it, Suzanne wonders if basic decency somehow makes a person a better composer, natural talent being equal, which of course it isn’t. A question for Doug when she gets home.

When the orchestra retakes the stage in the configuration she designed, Suzanne’s heart beats so fast that again she thinks she may die. The viola player stands, the director’s baton falls, and the concerto is being played by a full orchestra, at full volume, for a full auditorium. An inverted fantasy, a nightmare.

It is also being played well. She may have stayed up all night, but however the viola player spent the night has done him good. He has her full admiration. Few players could even get through the torturous piece, and it’s almost impossible for her to imagine pulling it off before an audience. Nevertheless, the compositional flaws in the piece as a whole are evident. They were inevitable, really, given the circumstances of the involuntary collaboration, one of the collaborators so fully in the dark. The piece is not without real merit, though, and Suzanne is proud to hear that the double-reed and cello parts are among its finer aspects.

There is some tittering and coughing during the second movement — though perhaps only because the evening’s program has been so long and variegated — but the applause that follows the final of the twin endings thunders. Suzanne feels it in every bone. It seems that even her seat shakes. The standing ovation is hesitant at first, perhaps even reluctant, but when it comes it builds to mass release.

Olivia leans into her, squeezes her shoulder, and kisses her cheek with wet lips. Suzanne shifts her shoulder away, the movement more subtle than a jerk but with the same effect. She wipes the moisture on her cheek with the sleeve of her black crepe dress. Olivia tilts her head, her eyes wider than normal, then shifts to shake someone’s hand.

The young composers turn to each other left and right, to the rows in front of them and behind, as people do when offering the sign of peace during Mass. Even Lisa-Natasha and Eric wear generous smiles. Bruce hugs Suzanne warmly, patting her on the back as he does. Paul shakes her hand with surprising strength. She and Greg simply make eye contact. Sublime , Suzanne mouths to him. “What you did with that piece was really smart,” he says, “I can tell it wasn’t easy.”

The rows of people disperse into the aisles, some heading toward the exits. Others move toward her with congratulations, which she accepts as quickly as possible without being rude and which Olivia accepts with clear pleasure. The heads coming and going, the lights, now on — all of it feels like moving through a carnival crowd, and Suzanne is relieved by the audience’s eventual retreat, the fading noise. Some of the hangers-on, together with the other composers, depart for the reception with the musicians and orchestra donors — the institute’s final event, one last chance to schmooze, the one chance to let loose. Suzanne doesn’t feel like doing either, but she goes along, looking around for Petra’s periwinkle dress.

As they enter the reception space, a quartet is playing Ravel. Coming up behind Suzanne, Petra says, “Everyone loves Ravel.”

At first the composers hold together as a group, but eventually they are individually lured by the bar, the tables of food, people seeking conversation. Bruce lingers, probably for Petra. When the quartet moves from Ravel to Haydn, the energy of the crowd seems to lift slightly, and there is more noise from plates and glasses. Suzanne winks at Petra and says, “What they really like is Haydn.”

Petra answers, “He’s just easier to talk over.”

An older man comes up to Suzanne and tells her he saw her play in Buenos Aires. “You were fabulous,” he says. “I still remember it. Bach.”

She thanks him, though she remembers vividly that she did not play Bach. Alex had managed to get them both invited to the festival, which had an all-Mozart program that year. Felder was there, on his rise, as were a lot of musicians. It was perhaps a year after St. Louis. Maybe because they were in another country, Alex and Suzanne were reckless, walking down the street arm in arm, holding hands at performances. They found breakfast one morning in an outdoor market, going stall to stall for fruit and bread and cheese. Alex surprised her with his fluent Spanish. “And you thought I only knew English, German, and the language of love,” he said. People stared at them everywhere they went; she remembers that, too. At first she thought it was her imagination, but Alex noticed it, too, and said it was because they were so visibly in love.

They ate in a small park, listening to a bandoneón player — an old man with his hat out. When they finished, Alex gave him a twenty-dollar bill.

“A success!” Olivia says, approaching.

Petra watches her, saying nothing.

Olivia ignores her and fixes on Suzanne. “So I’ll take it back to Chicago. If they say no, which I don’t think they will, I’ll move on to Philadelphia. And of course you will be the star next time. The music was written for you.”