Russell Banks - Rule of the Bone

I didn’t want to hear about it. Yeah, well, lots of things’ve changed, I guess. Ken’s pretty messed up, it looks like. And the place is too, I said. You oughta see it. You’d be disgusted. By the way, Ken explained to me what happened, I told her. About you guys separating, I mean, and you staying at Grandma’s.

He did, did he? Did he say separating?

I don’t know. I guess I just thought it. But he’s really one messed-up dude, you know? I mean, the guy’s kind of sick, don’t you think? He’s like a pervert. You know what I’m saying?

I was trying to figure out how to tell her for the first time about Ken, about what he’d done to me when I was a little kid. I wanted her to know about the ugliness that still connected me and him and how I hated it and was dying to get it out of my life but couldn’t as long as I had to deal with him as the price for being with her and keeping everything a secret. It meant that I couldn’t actually be with her, I couldn’t be with my own mom in a clean way until her husband, my stepfather was out of her life once and for all and there weren’t any more secrets, none and it didn’t matter about the drinking and the AA and all his promises to get straight because it was the secret of the past that he carried with him, my secret past, it was the ruined part of my life that he brought into the room with him like Dracula’s cape over his shoulders and a werewolf’s mask over his eyes so that whenever I saw him I was scared and felt ugly and dirty and weak. With Ken anywhere in the neighborhood I felt the exact opposite of how I felt when I saw my mom alone with just me and her for instance like now or when I was with I-Man or Rose or even ol’ Russ. With them I was the Bone whether they knew it or not but with my stepfather I was still little Chappie lying in the dark alone. Except when I had the gun.

It’s the drinking that makes him sick, Chappie, she said. It’s the alcohol. He’s allergic to alcohol, that’s why he acts the way he does. You have to understand that.

Bullshit, I said.

Oh come on, Chappie, please, let’s not get into this. Let’s just leave Ken out of this, okay? It’s our reunion, okay? Don’t spoil things, honey. And I wish you wouldn’t swear.

Yeah, well, are you gonna get a divorce from him? Are you? ‘Cause you oughta. I mean it. There’s things about Ken that even you don’t know. Stuff I heard. Stuff I know.

I don’t need to hear whatever you heard.

Yeah well you oughta kick him out of your house right away anyhow so we can move back in and clean it up. He’s completely fucked it up, sorry about swearing. But it’s your house, ain’t it? Didn’t my real father give it to you? Ken, he’s just the stepfather, you know. He doesn’t have any right to live in that house unless you say so. Besides you should see what a mess he’s made of the house, it’s really gross and disgusting.

Chappie, please. I want you to keep out of my business. Ken and I are trying to work things out, and we will, if you’ll just stay out of it.

Me? I said and my voice went all twinky and high like a bicycle bell. Me? You think I’m the problem? Ha! That’s a laugh.

She looked over my head like she was enjoying the breeze.

It’s Ken who’s the problem, not me, I said but it was useless I knew.

That’s just not true, Chappie! she yelled. She was mad now and here it all came again, the same story as before. She said, As a matter of fact, young man, over the last year or so you have been very much a problem, wouldn’t you say, and otherwise I think maybe Ken and I would’ve gotten along better. I certainly wouldn’t have been so upset all year and he might not’ve turned to alcohol to deal with his problems and frustrations so much. Really, who knows how many things would’ve been different if you hadn’t gotten into drugs and stealing and all? If you’d’ve stayed in school for instance and had some decent friends and all, who knows how things would’ve been different? Only now you’re fine and you’re back, and that’s wonderful, Chappie. I know we’ll be able to work things out now, sweetie, all three of us.

No. Fucking. Way.

What do you mean? Don’t you want to work things out?

Not if it’s the three of us, I told her. I mean, I want to be with you, I said. With you I can work things out. But not him. Not if he’s there.

Where?

Wherever you are.

Well, excuse me, mister, but you can’t make that decision. It’s mine to make, if Ken and I are going to stay together. Mine and Ken’s, not yours. We’re still trying to work things out and I’m at Grandma’s only temporary. Until Ken decides to deal with his drinking problem, that’s all. And you certainly can’t live at Grandma’s with me, there’s barely room for me there. So if you want to live at home with me, and you’re welcome to, I want you to know that, then you’ll just have to let me and Ken work things out first. Which we will, and when we do you’ll have to put up with Ken, I’m afraid. And you’ll have to like it, too. And be nice to him for a change. Many things will have to change, Chappie, for the three of us to go back to living together like we used to, back before you started getting into trouble. And you, mister, are the one who has to do the most changing, she said. You and Ken too, Ken will have to make a few changes too, she said like she’d made a big compromise. Then she stood back from me and crossed her arms over her chest which always meant that she’d made up her mind, she’d staked out her territory and there’d be no more arguing with her now. Only defiance, only open in-your-face fuck-you-mom defiance.

Nothing’s changed! I said. And it never will! Nothing! I guess I was shouting because she stepped back like she was scared of me. You’re just trying to set up the same old thing as before! I think I was crying by then. Look, Mom, please please please! Just try, please? Just try and see it my way. I was practically begging her but I knew she wouldn’t even try to see it my way and probably couldn’t anyhow, not without knowing my secret and there was no way I could tell it to her now. It was too late. So I kept on hollering and I made all these stupid demands instead, not because I thought or even hoped she’d meet the demands but because I was pissed at everything that was going down and frustrated because it was too late to change anything and also because I didn’t know how else to express myself.

You know what, Mom? You wanna know what? I’ll tell you what. You should choose! Yeah, you should choose between me and Ken! I said. That’s right, choose which one of us you want. ‘Cause you can’t have both. That’s the one thing I can guarantee. So c’mon, Mom, choose one or the other. Ken or me. Let’s get serious.

Stop this! she said. Stop it right now!

Who d’ya want standing there beside you, Mom? Is it gonna be your stupid sicko drunk of a pervert of a husband, or the homeless boy who’s your own flesh-and-blood son? Red Rover, Red Rover, who’re you calling over, Mom? Is it me or is it Ken?

I was remembering how when I was a little kid in the schoolyard we used to play Red Rover and the teachers thought it was cute and all but it was scary, two lines of kids holding hands facing each other across a distance and the one in the middle says, Red Rover, Red Rover, let Chappie come over, and I’d get all excited like I’d been chosen for something special. I’d let go of the hand of the kid on either side of me and I’d step out there in like no-man’s-land between the two lines all alone and exposed and everyone looking at me and I’d wind up and start running straight at the line opposite as fast as I could. I’d slam against the linked hands of the kids who I only remember as being bigger than me because although I didn’t realize it then you only call come over to the littlest kids, the ones who are too small and weak to bust through the line. Otherwise if you break through you get to go safely back to your own line and now it’s your team’s turn to call for the littlest kid to come over and try to bust through and when he fails he gets captured. Back and forth you go until finally there’s only one kid left on the other side facing a huge long line of everyone else opposite him, and the last kid realizes that he can’t call anyone over anymore because he’s all by himself. It was usually the biggest strongest kid in the school-yard like a fifth or sixth grader who ended up standing there all alone and it was interesting because he was the loser. Anyhow I was never him. Instead I was always called over early in the game and got captured and even though I said like Oh no and all, I was secretly glad to be captured. I never wanted to be the big tough kid who ended up on the other side all by myself and unable to say Red Rover, Red Rover, let even the littlest kid in the school-yard, let Chappie come over.