Russell Banks - The Reserve

“I have no memory of that,” Vanessa declared. “None.”

“Daddy was always afraid that you did. You were so precocious a child, so intelligent, that he kept waiting for it to come out. He was afraid that somehow you knew I was your real mother, and it would become known to other people. And he didn’t want that.”

“But I didn’t know! I have no memories of any visits from Grandma and Grandpa way back then. All I remember of the orphanage are the big lawns and my room there. I remember the bars of my crib and the lawns outside. Nothing else. No people. Not even other children. Except for my crib and the endless lawns, all my earliest memories are of you and Daddy and the house in Tuxedo Park and the apartment in the city and the Reserve. Were there other children?”

“At the home? There were only a few, maybe two or three. Little babies waiting to be adopted. It was very exclusive,” Evelyn said. “Vanessa, I really am thirsty. May I please have a glass of water?”

“As long as you stay in the chair where I can see you,” Vanessa said and went into the bathroom where, watching her mother in the mirror, she filled a glass at the sink and returned with it. She handed the glass to her mother, who drank it down and asked for another. When she came back with the second glass, Vanessa said, “But I don’t understand. Why didn’t Grandma and Grandpa let me be adopted when I was a little baby? Was there something wrong with me? Something that made it so nobody wanted me?”

“Lots of people wanted you. You were beautiful and intelligent and charming. They wouldn’t sign the papers.”

“Who? The people who ran the home?”

“Your grandparents. My mother and father. They would come back from North Carolina and tell me how beautiful you were, as if to punish me. Over and over. And how they were just waiting for the right people to come along and adopt and raise you. I think they meant that. Your grandparents were proud. Proud of their bloodlines. As you know. And even though no one knew for sure who your real father was, they knew he was at least a Williams boy. Which was something, I suppose. They wanted to be able to choose who would adopt you. So they just paid to keep you there and never signed the papers. I don’t know what they were thinking, what they were hoping would happen, because nothing could happen. Except that you would grow older and eventually grow up there.”

“What about you? You could have signed the adoption papers.”

“No. I was only twenty when you were born, and I didn’t dare go against my parents. And then later, by the time I was of legal age, I was engaged to marry Daddy. By then I was so used to keeping it a secret that I didn’t want to think about it.”

“‘It.’ You mean me . So why did you and Daddy finally decide to adopt me? I mean, I was safely out of sight way down there in North Carolina, out of sight and, at least in your case, out of mind. You could’ve left me there to rot, if you’d wanted to.”

“It was your father’s idea. Well, no, it was my idea. Under his conditions. Once we realized that we weren’t going to have any children together, I begged him to let me take you from that place and raise you as our child. He agreed, but only if I promised to say that you were adopted and never revealed to anyone, not even to you, that I was your real mother. My parents were happy to go along with it. And so were the people who ran the home. In the end, everyone got what they wanted. Which was to save face. Everyone got to save face. Even me.”

“Even you. Why weren’t you going to have children together, you and Daddy? Was there something wrong with you?”

“No, not with me.”

“With Daddy, then. I never heard anything about that.”

“It wasn’t a physical thing with him. Not really. Your father was…a difficult man. Sexually, I mean. He didn’t…he didn’t like to make love. Also, he was very old-fashioned, and when he found out that I wasn’t a virgin…” She trailed off.

Vanessa said, “Keep talking, Mother.”

“Oh, I hate telling you all this!”

“It’s too late to stop now. Tell me the rest.”

“In the very beginning, when we first tried to make love, it went…badly, let’s say. The fact is, on our honeymoon he found out that I wasn’t a virgin, and he rejected me for a time. Later on, months later, when we tried to make love, he couldn’t. And then…well, then he wouldn’t. We were both pretty shy about it, about sex, and it was just simpler not to do it at all, and he never complained about it, and neither did I. Although it made me very lonely for a long, long time.”

“My Christ !” Vanessa said. “This is mad. I don’t know if I can take it all in. Or even believe it! It’s all so fruity and weak and pathetic. You disgust me, Mother. Truly. You amaze and disgust me. Both you and Daddy. And Grandma and Grandpa, too. But especially you!”

“Vanessa, please don’t be angry with us. We did the best we could.”

“Well, they’re all dead, Daddy and Grandma and Grandpa. So I can’t get back at them for what they did. But you’re not dead. And look at you, you’re trying to put me out of the way again, like you did when I was born. Like Grandma and Grandpa did when I was a baby.” Vanessa took the glass from her mother, set it on the dressing table, and pulled her arms behind the chair and tied her wrists. “Where are all those photographs Daddy took of me when I was a little girl?” she suddenly demanded. “You know the ones.”

“I don’t…I don’t know.” Her mother looked up, wide-eyed and frightened, at Vanessa. “Those photographs? What photographs? They’re in Daddy’s albums, I suppose,” she said. “In the library here, where he kept them stored. And on the walls, framed. And at home.”

“No. You know what I’m talking about, so don’t play dumb. Photographs of me. Naked. I want them.”

“Naked! What do you mean? He took hundreds of photographs of you back then. He loved photographing you. He had his own darkroom and everything, where he developed and printed them. But I never saw any pictures of you naked. What are you talking about? Please don’t put the scarf over my mouth, Vanessa. It makes me feel like I’m suffocating.”

“From before the war. From when I was four or five. Or maybe I was only three and recently ‘adopted.’ You were there, Mother. You knew! You knew he was taking those pictures.”

“No. Daddy was very shy about that. He didn’t like to see you naked, ever.”

“If you don’t tell me the truth, I’m going to tie the scarf over your mouth. I don’t want to listen to your lies anymore.”

“Vanessa, it is the truth! Daddy always made me or Hilda make sure you were properly covered before he went into your room, and he never bathed you or even saw you being bathed. Some things I don’t remember from those years before the war, you know, because of my bad nerves back then. And the medicines. But I do remember that.”

Vanessa sighed heavily. “Oh, God, Mother, you’re still lying to me. Or else you’re lying to yourself and believing it. Either way, it’s a lie. Because you were there, and you know where those pictures are. Daddy was very orderly and never threw anything away. I’m sure you’ve gone through all his files since he died and know exactly where those pictures are. You said you remember being present when he took them.”

“No, no! He wasn’t like that, Vanessa. He wasn’t.”

“I’ll bet I’m not the only naked little girl he took photographs of. Wasn’t the only naked little girl, I mean.”

“Your father wasn’t the kind of man who—”

Vanessa cut her off with the silk scarf, tying it tightly this time so it wouldn’t slip down. “No more lies, Mother. No more lies,” she said, walking to the open window, which she shut and locked. Then she pulled down the shade, dropping the room into darkness. “I’ll come back for you after Hubert’s been here and gone. Maybe then you and I will go through those albums in the library together. Won’t that be nice? Just the two of us. What fun. Mother and daughter leafing through the family albums. Maybe then you’ll tell me everything.”