David Wallace - Broom of the System

“Oh Martin Tissaw, why aren’t you here?”

“Maybe we could get him on ‘Real People.’ ”

“What?”

“Maybe we could get him on ‘Real People.’ ”

“Is that what You direct me to do, God? To get this bird, this animal through which You have chosen to make Yourself heard, on ‘Real People’?”

“Anger is natural, let it out.”

“To deliver Your message of anger and love?”

“Human on my faithless arm.”

“Then that is what I shall do. Get up off your knees, woman!”

“Get up off your knees, woman!”

“Go forth and do the work directed.”

“ ‘Real People.’ ”

“Yes, ‘Real People.’ Disgusting mirror and all. But first I call Martin.”

“ ‘Real Birds.’ It may get torn, I’m warning you. Care for a mint?”

“Forget dusting.”

“What’s with Vlad the Impaler?”

“I’ve been called.”

“Make me come.”

“Come you shall. We shall go together, but first let me call ‘Real People,’ ”

“Goodbye.”

“Thank you, Lord.”

/a/

“I think maybe it’s time for me to just hop on my horse and git.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“It means I feel like I need to get the fuck out.”

“Out of what?”

“How much time we got here, Melinda-Sue?”

“You said you loved Scarsdale. You said you loved me.”

“I think it’s turning out there’s problems with that analysis. I think what I unfortunately meant is that I loved fucking you, is basically all. And I just don’t think I love fucking you anymore.”

“….”

“… my razor…”

“Why not?”

“….”

“How come?”

“I’m not sure I really know. I’m hopin’ to give it some more thought. It’s just not wonderful anymore. Nothing personal. It’s just not wonderful.”

“Not wonderful? What do you mean, not wonderful?”

“Well, look at your leg.”

“What’s the matter with my leg? I’m only twenty-seven. I’ve got nice legs. I happen to know for a fact they’re nice.”

“You irritate all kinds of hell out of me when you don’t listen to what I say, Melinda-Sue. I never said you didn’t have nice legs. All I said was to just look at your goddamn leg.”

“….”

“We’re just missing the wonderfulness. Your leg, for an example. It’s all smooth and firm and shapely and all. It looks good and it feels good and it smells good. God knows you keep it real well shaved. It’s all beautiful and artistic and all that shit. But see, it’s just a leg. That’s all it is for me, now, is a fucking leg. It could be my leg, if I shaved my leg.”

“What difference does that make?”

“It makes all kinds of difference, honeypot. You put your thinkin’ cap on about it for a while.”

“You’re being immature. You’re being totally unrealistic. You’re deliberately trying to hurt me.”

“No, what I’m deliberately trying to do is say fuck off, is what I’m deliberately trying to do.”

“Well then what am I supposed to do?”

“It’s weird how I’m not at all worried about that. You got your work, if I get to use loose terms. You got your goddamned voice, still. I know that for a undeniable fact. It comes at me forty times a day. I can’t get the fuck away from you. I get in the car and there you are. I feel like all the air I breathe you’ve already breathed.”

“….”

“Is cryin’ supposed to make me feel bad? ‘Cause it don’t. I don’t feel bad. I just feel like I need to get the fuck out, still.”

“You’re just drunk.”

“I’m a tinch drunk. No bones about it. But I’m sincere, here, ma‘am. No more fucking, no more love.”

“….”

“Take your robe off a second.”

“….”

“Take it off please I said.”

“Ow! God, what are—?”

“Thank you. Don’t worry, no rape on the horizon this morning, ma‘am. Look, mine comes off too, to be fair. Let’s just have us an objective look at the situation, here.”

“The curtains are open.”

“My analysis of the problem, if you want my analysis of the problem, is that you’ve just run out of holes in your pretty body, and I’ve run out of things to stick in them. My pecker, my fingers, my tongue, my toes…”

“Oh, God.”

“… my hair, my nose. My wallet. My car keys. So on. I’ve just run the fuck out of ideas. And this crying shit is starting to piss me off. I’m askin’ you right now to stop crying, ‘cause it’s not working, and it only pisses me off.”

“….”

“I’m getting pissed off.”

“Daddy…”

“Well there we go. Daddy. I think maybe he’s just what you need right now. You can help him fuck his lawn.”

“I hate you.”

“All I’m tryin’ to do is say fuck off.”

“I love you. Please. Here… see?”

“Now let’s don’t be misled here. What we got here is just purely perverse excitement at seein’ you upset. It’s just the reaction of a bored old soldier in the game of love. It’s not wonderfulness. And if we did do it, it’d be like two animals in the fucking forest.”

“….”

“You care to hear how many women I’ve blasted since we got married?”

“….”

“I’ve personally blasted over a dozen women since I married you. Since I committed to you forever and ever, I have fucking betrayed you, hundreds of times. There’s been times in the last year when I haven’t with you, ‘cause I was savin’ it up for somebody else. That ought to make you feel better about me taking a indefinite vacation.”

“Oh, God.”

“Have a Kleenex.”

….“

“And please don’t think I don’t know you’ve fucked around too. I know about you and Gluskoter. The only reason I haven’t kicked his ass is that it would just be too fucking boring. I know you’re not any better than me, don’t worry. But I’m talking about doing it on a grand, grand fucking scale.”

“How can you be so ugly to me?”

“ ‘Cause I’m bored, and when a man gets bored enough he gets like an animal. I’m an animal now, feels like. I’m sick of this shit, your work, my work, worryin’ about other people’s taxes, hearing about your Daddy’s fucking fertilizer strategies every day. I got to get out. When animals get so they feel trapped, they get ugly. You want to watch out for trapped animals, Melinda-Sue, I’m tellin’ you that for future reference.”

“I can’t take this. I don’t know what’s come over you.”

“It sure ain’t you, don’t you worry.”

“I think I want a divorce.”

“Christ, even my clothes smell like you.”

“There’s no way you can hate me the way you’re trying to convince me you hate me.”

“….”

“Oh, God.”

“… car keys…”

“….”

“One drink for the road and I’m gone, like a desert breeze.”

“You’re contemptible.”

“We out of ice again? Shit on fire. You eat ice, or what? Do you go around takin’ the ice out of here after I make it? If you do, just admit it.”

“Just leave, if you’re going to leave.”

“Let me just take a quick squirt, if I may. One for the road.”

“Wait. I think you shouldn’t go.”

“Say please.”

“Please.”

“Too bad. Fooled you.”

“You’re drunk.”

“….”

“Where are you going to go?”

“I think first I’m gonna go home.”

“You’re going to drive to Texas? Now?”

“No, you very very dumb woman. I said I’m going the fuck home. Home.”

“I love you.”