Джей Крауновер - Built

“I’m out of ideas, buddy. You’re gonna have to help me out so I can help make it better, okay?”

He huddled even farther into me and put his arm around my side. His damp lashes fluttered back closed and he let out a breath. “You weren’t there. I opened my eyes and you weren’t there. I missed you.”

Jesus. If there was ever anything that the universe demanded that I be brave for, it was this little boy. There was no time to wallow in the past or fear the uncertainty of the future with those simple words soothing every single rough spot that was on my soul. Hyde didn’t care if I wasn’t all the way where I felt like I needed to be in order to be the kind of person he deserved in his life; he missed me because he cared about me. It made him cry because I was important to him and he trusted me. The stark truth in that pulled apart every thread that stitched my history together and unraveled the whole thing. He missed me and Zeb loved me.

The me that was awkward.

The me that was reserved.

The me that could be cold and detached.

The me that would try to make pancakes even though I didn’t know how.

The me that took no prisoners in court.

The me that tried to do the right thing for the wrong reasons.

The me that would have messy sex against a newly painted wall.

They cared about all the different versions of me and all of them were enough to make an entire person worthy of their love. I kissed Hyde on the temple. “I’m sorry I left you alone. Poppy wanted to talk to me, and I didn’t want to wake you up. I missed you, too, Hyde.”

“It’s okay.” And it was. It really was okay. For the first time in what felt like forever, things actually felt like they were going to be okay. I finally knew exactly what I wanted and how to go about getting it. It wasn’t going to happen overnight. I’d done a lot of damage to Zeb and his truth, but my foundation was finally steady, the ground under it secure. I still had some rubble to remove, but once it was all clear I was going to let him build whatever he wanted on the space.

Hyde took a real nap in my lap and woke up an hour later and wanted to go play outside. It took twenty minutes to get him into his hat and gloves, and once he was out there he realized it was really cold and wanted to come back inside. We ended up playing hide-and-seek and tic-tac-toe for hours until Zeb showed up in the early afternoon.

He seemed surprised that Hyde didn’t rush to greet him but instead pulled him into the kitchen to show him all the pictures he had drawn that I had put on the fridge. Hyde was chattering a mile a minute and Zeb was staring at me like I had two heads. I smiled at him as he scowled at me and somewhere in our standoff Hyde must have realized that he had lost the adults’ attention because he tugged on Zeb’s hand and whined, “Dad, you aren’t looking at my picture.”

Zeb’s head jerked around so fast I was sure he gave himself whiplash and I saw his mouth drop open and his eyes blink rapidly for a second. “Did you just call me Dad?”

Hyde’s eyes widened and he looked from me to Zeb and back again. I gave him a nod of encouragement and mouthed “it’s fine” at him.

“Um . . . is that okay? Sayer said it’s okay.” Zeb turned his head to look at me and I couldn’t keep the smile off my face. His green eyes looked like grass after it rained.

He got down so that he was on the same level as his son and pulled him into a tight hug. “Of course it’s okay. I am your dad and I couldn’t be prouder of the fact. You can call me whatever you want, Hyde.”

The little boy squeaked inside the big man’s embrace and there was a spark of envy that lit up under my skin. I wanted to be in that embrace as well.

“Are you crying? Sayer said you were gonna cry. She said she would give me a hundred bucks if you did!” Hyde pulled back and looked hard at his father’s face. It was hard to see because of the beard, but sure enough, on Zeb’s tanned cheek there was a single, glittery tear. Hyde threw his head back and laughed. He pointed at me. “You owe me a hundred bucks.”

Zeb let go of his boy and straightened to his full height. He gave me a questioning look. I just shrugged. He could figure out I knew the odds and had weighted the outcome in Hyde’s favor without me spelling it out for him. “I’m gonna give it to your dad to hold on to, but I promise to pay up.”

“You two seemed to have a good day.”

Hyde nodded vigorously. “I love Sayer.”

I saw Zeb’s Adam’s apple bob up and down. “Good to know, little man.”

I cleared my throat and pushed some of my hair over my shoulder. “Honestly, I adored having him here today. If your mom needs a break on the weekend while you’re working, I would be happy to spend the day with him.”

Something dark flashed across Zeb’s face as he considered me carefully. “Seriously?”

“Seriously.” I made sure he could see the conviction in my gaze.

He made a noise low in his throat and I saw his hands curl into fists. “Hey, buddy, why don’t you go grab your coat for a minute so I can talk to Sayer real quick.”

“Are you gonna get my money?”

Zeb barked out a laugh. “Yes. I’ll get your money.” Little feet scurried out of the room, and as soon as we were alone Zeb prowled toward me and backed me into the island until I was caged between his arms.

“You ready to choose us, Sayer?”

It reminded me of the time he backed me into my car after court and kissed me stupid. I wanted to do the same thing to him, but we didn’t have much time before we were interrupted by a five-year-old and it was obvious the wounds I left on him needed to be tended to.

I put a hand on the center of his chest and looked up at him with my newly thawed-out heart in my eyes. “I’m swimming, Zeb. I’m not at the shore yet, but I’m trying to get there. You’ve trusted me with Hyde this entire time. I just need you to trust me a little bit longer.”

“Why should I?”

I fisted his heavy flannel in my hand and pulled him down so that we were nose-to-nose. “Because before I can choose you, before I can choose Hyde, I have to choose myself, and that’s what I’ve been trying to do.” I hoped that made sense to him because it was the first giant step I needed to take. “It’s not that easy.”

He huffed out a breath and it ghosted across my lips like a phantom kiss. “I’ve been waiting on the shore for a long time, Sayer.”

“I know, Zeb. Please, trust me.”

He pushed off the counter when Hyde came rushing back into the room. His eyes didn’t give anything away and his mouth was unsmiling when he bit out, “You’re still my only plan, Sayer. That never changed.”

That made my heart swell because I had no intention of letting him down this time around either. We could both win and this time it would be a victory that lasted forever.

CHAPTER 18

Zeb

I wasn’t sure what to make of Sayer’s sudden revelation that she was trying to make her way to me through the viscous water of her past and I wasn’t sure I could do what she asked and simply trust her. But when the weekend rolled around I found myself calling her and asking if she was still game for taking Hyde for the day. He hadn’t stopped talking about her since I picked him up at her house, so I figured it couldn’t hurt anything to let them spend the day together. She told me of course she would watch him, then caught me off guard by asking me what my favorite color was.

Obviously the answer was blue. Sparkling, turbulent ocean blue. She got quiet on the other end of the phone for a second and then told me she would come pick Hyde up and drop him off if that was okay. She said she had a few errands to run and would take him with her. I tried to warn her that a five-year-old, even one that was as well behaved as Hyde, added at least an hour onto the time it took to get errands done. She laughed it off and said they would be fine. I tried to warn her again when I moved Hyde’s car seat from my Jeep into her Lexus. She just smiled at me and told me it would be okay. She also looked at me like she wanted to pull all my clothes off and have her way with me right there in the parking lot of the condominium complex. It was all pretty confusing, and only head and heart were at war with what it all meant.