Джей Крауновер - Built

“Let’s go get Poppy and dive into our masterpiece, shall we?”

He followed me without argument.

Luckily Poppy was already up and in the living room when we went to fetch her. I should’ve known she wouldn’t be able to sleep through the doorbell going off. Hyde took an immediate liking to her, and the three of us spent the rest of the morning eating pancakes, coloring on the back of computer paper, and playing band with overturned pots and pans. Hyde was quite the drummer, and I was surprised at how dedicated Poppy was to her role as lead air guitarist. I, by default, ended up as lead singer, which sucked for them since the only songs I knew the lyrics to were eighties heavy metal. After the second round of “Pour Some Sugar on Me,” Poppy threw in the towel and claimed she needed a nap. Hyde also looked a little heavy-eyed, so I set him up on the couch with Nickelodeon on the TV. He was out before I could turn around and cover him up with a blanket.

I felt like I should run into my office and grab my computer so I could get through the work that was waiting for me, but all I could do was stand there like I was glued to the spot and stare down at the precious little boy. He was so sweet, so resilient, considering everything he had been through. I had no idea how he had it in him to be so trusting and so open to love, but I was unendingly thankful that he was. I could learn so much from him.

I jerked when Poppy put her hand on my elbow and inclined her head toward my office. I followed her as quietly as I could so we wouldn’t wake Hyde, and sniffed a little when I realized that I had tears in my eyes that were threatening to spill over. All these feelings were so much and they were starting to leak out of me regularly now.

“I thought you were taking a nap.”

“I was going to, but then I started thinking about something and I wanted to talk to you about it before I lost my nerve.” She twisted her hands together and started to pace back and forth in front of me. She fluttered around like a little golden bird and it made me anxious.

“You know you can talk to me about anything, Poppy.”

She audibly gulped. “I do . . . well, anything about me, but this is about you, Sayer, and it’s hard for me to say, after all the wonderful things you’ve done for me.”

She succeeded in catching me off guard. “Uh, okay, I’m listening.”

She took a deep breath and was obviously rallying her nerve before she blurted out, “You would be a really great mom.”

I blinked in shock because that wasn’t what I was expecting. “Excuse me?”

She moved shaky hands to push her hair behind her ears and I saw her turn pink. “I know you struggle with the way your mom died and feel like she abandoned you, but, Sayer . . .” She reached out and put a hand on my arm. “You would never and could never do that to anyone. I watched you with Hyde all morning, and I can see how much you love him.”

I put my hand over hers and gave it a pat. “He’s just a little boy, Poppy. It’s impossible not to care for him.”

Her amber eyes sharpened as she narrowed them at me. “Really? Because if that was true, it would be his mother cooking him pancakes for breakfast and not you.”

I opened my mouth to argue and then let it fall back closed because she did have a point.

“It’s not just that. When you took me in without question because I couldn’t handle being around men, even the man I trust most in the whole world, I thought you were my guardian angel. I wouldn’t have survived without you, Sayer.”

“No.” I automatically denied my role in her ongoing recovery. “You’re a fighter, Poppy.”

She snorted delicately and lifted her caramel-colored eyebrows. “Am I? Because you threw me the life preserver months ago and all I’ve been doing is floating and hoping I don’t drown. I haven’t been swimming at all, Sayer, but you have loved me, protected me, sheltered me, and fought for me when I wouldn’t fight for myself. You did everything for me your own mother couldn’t do for you.”

I jolted and jerked back from her touch as she stared at me solemnly. “Your father tried to convince you that you weren’t good enough, that you weren’t enough, but you are a better mother to that boy and to me than our own were. You care more for us than the people whose only job in the world it was to love us and keep us safe. So you need to start swimming, too, Sayer. After everything the past has tried to bury us under, we owe it to ourselves to be brave, to do more than float.”

My mouth opened and closed like a fish. The tears that had been brewing while I watched Hyde with my heart in my throat started to fall.

“I . . . where . . . what brought this on, Poppy?”

She had shiny eyes as well but that brittle shell that she had been encased in since she first came to live with me was splintering and a new, vibrant creature was starting to emerge.

“Partly from watching you with Hyde today and partly from being around all those happy couples at the party yesterday. I miss my life. I miss my sister. I miss being able to hug Rowdy without having a panic attack. I want to be around for those babies and weddings. I want to be a part of my family again, so that means I need to learn how to be alone and be okay with it. I need to take control so that at some point in my life I can willingly give it up to the right person.” She pointed a finger at me and wiggled it in a circle. “And you, you need to learn how to not be alone. You need to take the risk on that boy and on his daddy. You love so much more than your mother, and you have to know that you have so much more to offer this world than the person your father tried to mold you into. Let the way those boys love you and the way you love them be what defines you, Sayer. Be that woman, not the one your dad wanted you to be.”

“Uh . . .” I wasn’t sure what to say to her, but when she wrapped her arms around me and gave me the first real hug she had ever offered up since moving in, I couldn’t do anything else but hug her back as we silently cried together. We did deserve to be brave, and we had survived so much. The marks that abuse had left on her were more visible and tangible than the marks a totally different kind of abuse had left on me. Both ran deep. Both hindered the way we lived and loved, but if she could overcome her circumstances, there was no reason I shouldn’t be able to do the same.

She pulled back and wiped a hand across her damp cheeks. “I’m going to ask Rowdy to help me get a car and I’m going to go back to work.” I must have looked shocked because she laughed a little bit. “It might not be tomorrow but soon. I’m also going to move out. I need to find my own place, which means you’ll have lots and lots of empty rooms.” She started out the door and looked over her shoulder at me. “Think about that.”

She wasn’t just swimming, she was paddling hard for the shore, and I needed to follow her lead. I was taking baby steps, and if I didn’t want to lose Zeb and Hyde forever, I needed to start making leaps and bounds instead.

“Sayer?” The door pushed open and Hyde wandered in rubbing his eyes. His bottom lip was sticking out and his lashes were slightly spiky, as if he had been crying, too.

“You all right, kiddo?” He shook his head no, so I sat down in one of the chairs in my office and let him crawl up into my lap. I stroked my fingers through his hair. He put his cheek on my chest and sniffled. “You want to tell me what’s wrong? You weren’t asleep for very long but did you have a bad dream?”

He shook his head no and his soft hair rubbed against my chin.

“Do you miss your dad? We can call him for a minute and check in if you do.”

Again he shook his head no and cuddled deeper into me.