Jane Cook - Stories of Faith and Courage from the War in Iraq and Afghanistan

If a person is unable to get through the adjustment and deal with the stress and separation as well as the stress brought about in war, then it is an issue (not a character flaw) that needs intervention. Be watchful for the warning signs and reach out for help. Without help someone who was highly functional becomes chronically less functional. The signs are not subtle. They are red flags snapping back and forth in the wind.

Dear God, please help me cherish, love, and respect my spouse. Where there is strife, please bring peace. Where there is hurt, please bring healing.

Don Richards is a psychologist that provides faith-based counseling to military veterans and has a history of dealing with combat veterans from Vietnam to Iraq and Afghanistan. He incorporates faith and counseling that focuses beyond the traumatic. America’s wars have resulted in many mental and emotional casualties and men like Don are waging the fight to restore these men and women.

“Wives, understand and support your husbands by submitting to them in ways that honor the Master. Husbands, go all out in love for your wives. Don’t take advantage of them.” (Colossians 3:18–19, THE MESSAGE)

Pending separation is difficult; communication and preparation must take place. The shock of it all is often too difficult for most to deal with effectively.

One soldier shared with me:

It was approaching Thanksgiving. Our unit had been notified of the deployment but we were not authorized to tell our families yet. It was a relief because most people did not know how to begin to give that news. Then without warning we were gathered together. The commander said, “The local news is going to release the story about our pending deployment tonight. If you don’t want your family finding out that way, go home and tell them now.” It was a gut-wrenching drive home. My wife and I went for a walk, and I broke the news. She was floored. Her worst nightmare had begun. How do you give that kind of news? How do you prepare to leave home?

There is no easy way to prepare for separation. Especially regarding deployment to a combat zone. There are numerous issues with fear, vulnerability, and shifting responsibilities. There is no easy way to begin that conversation. What is certain is that the communication must begin, and it must continue as deployment approaches.

The family needs a secure and strong support network. Those families who don’t already have one need to be very deliberate in finding and establishing one. They need to be very dedicated until they develop this. They cannot let any of the personal struggles that they are experiencing get in the way of establishing a strong support group. A support group should include some one who has experienced the same trial of separation or at least somebody who’s been through something very difficult and who has had to lean on somebody else.

In addition to the work needed before the deployment begins, deployed soldiers should stay in contact and communicate as much as they can once they have left. Fortunately the mechanisms that exist today for communication back home far exceed those in past wars. Deployed soldiers have easy access to phones, and the lines of communication allow for speech, text, and video in many places.

Though technology has made it easier for military personnel to connect with loved ones, it is always difficult to communicate the personal struggles and trials of deployment with our families back home. The deployed soldier should avoid describing traumatic experiences. One must realize that the circumstance around our communication is anything but normal. The stresses on each person are so unique, and there is so much separation that families have a difficult time appreciating the stress of being thousands of miles away in harms person.

Dear God, when I must prepare to leave my spouse, whether for a day or year, please lead, guide, and direct my spouse and me. Keep our hearts knit together before we say our goodbyes.

“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” (Ephesians 5:22–25)

One soldier commented:

The quietness was uncomfortable. Only a few hours ago I was in combat. A man died; he was sitting in the place I was supposed to be. It should have been me. Life ends so quickly. Now I’m safe and they are preparing him to go home. I have to let my family know I am okay if the news reports anything. But how do you call home after an event like that? How do I let them know I am okay without scaring them?

Some people share everything with their families. I think that is a mistake. It is not their role to live the trauma with you. They are trying to survive a different stress, and those descriptions only add to weight they must carry. It is equally true that you shouldn’t hide everything from them. After a while it will build such a barrier between you that nothing significant is shared.

There is an advantage in discussing the possibility of this type of experiences prior to deployment. The weeks leading up to deployment are stressful, and many couples elect to not discuss anything related to the approaching separation. They fear that it will only lead to argument and distance. This just illustrates how stress levels increase dramatically even before the loved one leaves. Most people do not understand that level of stress. These issues require a support group, someone to facilitate the emotional groundwork required to make it through the deployment.

The deployed soldier can compartmentalize the stress given the relative simplicity of deployed life. (After all, cooking and laundry are handled for you.) Families at home have a much different environment in which to survive. Despite the day’s traumatic events, milk and bread must still be purchased, dinner must be made, dishes and laundry must be tended to, children must be cleaned and fed and tucked in bed and then they struggle to get enough sleep to start it all over again the next day. This is done in communities that largely do not recognize them or the trial their families are going through. There is pitifully weak support in most of America for deployed families, and very few who understand the severity of the stress they endure.

Dear God, use the books like this one and Faith Deployed to raise awareness for the need to support the families of those serving in the armed forces in Iraq, Afghanistan, and elsewhere around the world.

“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayer.” (1 Peter 3:7)

Another soldier commented:

I saw a lot of combat. Our unit took casualties in Najaf and Fallujah. I don’t have to talk about it when I am around my guys, and I don’t know how to talk about it when I am around friends from back home. I don’t know if I have PTSD or not. When I am around my guys I feel fine; when I am around my family or friends they just don’t understand. I can’t relate to them. I struggle even to want to relate to them.