Gustav Hasford: The Short-Timers

I grin. "Hey, Mother, I'm big but I'm wiry..."

Animal Mother says, "Yeah, I know, you're so tough you bite the heads off animal crackers." Animal Mother turns to Cowboy: "Hey, Lone Ranger, they got your little sister in the Crotch. Here she sits, a lean Marine in the green machine." Turning back to the New Guy: "Our honcho is from Texas, too, little maggot. Dallas. He wears that Stetson so the gooks will see that they are dealing with a real Texan lawman."

Cowboy chews. "Play poker, Mother." Cowboy picks up a B-3 unit, a little can containing John Wayne cookies, cocoa, and pineapple jam. Cowboy cuts open the can with a little P-38 folding can opener on his dogtag chain. "I won't say it again."

Silence.

"Yeah, okay, you don't have to get hard. What are you going to do--send me to Viet Nam? Cut me some slack, Cowboy. You ain't John Wayne. You just eat the cookies."

Animal Mother grunts. "Bet a buck." He drops a red chip. He puts his cards facedown on the deck and continues to massage his disassembled machine gun with the white cloth. "New Guy, you just better not be no hero. Lifers get glory; grunts get killed. Like ol' Rafter Man. Went hand to hand with a tank. And Crazy Earl; shot gooks with a BB gun. Last New Guy we had sat down on a bouncing betty his first day in the bush. Rotated straight to hell. Blew away six good grunts. KIA and tough titty to you, ma. I got shrapnel through my nose..." Animal Mother leans forward and shows the New Guy his nose. "Worst part about it was that little maggot owed me five bucks--"

Alice spits. "You got to run them sea stories?"

Animal Mother ignores Alice and says, "This is no shit, New Guy. Stoke, our old honcho, thought he was Supergrunt. Got the thousand-yard stare. Every time he saw a dead Marine he'd start laughing. Pulled a tour of duty in a rubber room. He--"

Alice stands up. "Stow that Mickey Mouse shit, Mother. You hear me?"

Animal Mother doesn't look up. He says, "Thank God for sickle cell."

Alice scratches his chest. "No racists in a foxhole, Mother. New Guy, you'll do fine. No sweat."

"Sure," says Animal Mother. "Just watch me. Do what I do. These guys will tell you that I am a monster, but I'm the only grunt in this squad that doesn't have his head up his ass. In this world of shit, monsters live forever and everybody else dies. If you kill for fun, you're a sadist. If you kill for money, you're a mercenary. If you kill for both, you're a Marine."

"Yes, sir," says the New Guy, dropping two chips into the pot.

"I'm horny," I say. "I can't even get a piece of hand."

Animal Mother groans. "That was real funny, Joker. I don't get it." He drops two chips, then three more. "I raise you three bucks. Dealer takes two cards."

The New Guy says, "I'll take three cards. And I'm not a hero. Just want to do my job. You know, defend freedom--"

"Fuck freedom," says Animal Mother. Animal Mother starts reassembling the M-60. He kisses each piece before snapping it back into place. "Flush out your headgear, New Guy. You think we waste gooks for free dom? Don't kid yourself; this is a slaughter. You're got to open your eyes, New Guy--you owe it to yourself. If I'm gonna get my balls shot off for a word I get to pick my own word and my word is poontang. Yeah, you better believe we zap zipperheads. They waste our bros and we cut them a big piece of payback. And payback is a motherfucker."

"Why talk about it?" asks Donlon. "The Nam can kill me, but it can't make me care. I just want to get back to the land of the Big PX in one piece. I owe it to myself."

"Why go back?" I ask. "Here or there, samey-same. Home is where my sergeant is--right, Cowboy?" I turn and look at Animal Mother. "You watch Cowboy, New Guy. Cowboy will tell you what to do."

"Yeah," says Donlon, plucking a pack of cigarettes from the elastic band around his helmet. "Cowboy takes this shit seriously."

Cowboy grunts. "Just doing my job, bro, just counting my days." He smiles. "You know what I did back in the World? After school, I shucked pennies out of parking meters. I had a red wagon to pour the pennies in, and I had a blue cap with a silver badge on it. I thought I was hot shit. Now all I want is a ranch with some horses..."

Animal Mother says, "Well some cunts smell really bad, and Viet Nam smells really bad, so I say, fuck it. And fuck the lifers who invented it."

"I hear you talking," I say. "I see your lips move. But we all brown-nose the lifers..."

"That's an amen," says Alice, up the trail. He swats a mosquito away from his face. "We talk the talk, but we don't walk the walk."

Donlon glares at me. "So who the hell are you? Mahatma Gandhi?" Donlon aims an index finger at me. "You're honcho of the first fire team, Joker. That makes you the assistant squad leader. So you're no different. You just like to feel superior."

"Shit."

"I wouldn't shit you, Joker. You're my favorite turd."

"Fuck...you..."

"Quiet, Joker," says Cowboy. "Somebody's mother might be hiding in the bush and you're talking dirty. Keep it in the family, okay?"

"Yes. That's affirmative, Cowboy." I look at Donlon. "When Cowboy gives me the order I'll eat the boogers out of a dead man's nose. I ain't got the guts to rot in Portsmouth. I admit it. But I don't give orders. I--"

"Bullshit," says Donlon. "You and your fucking peace symbol. Why do you wear that thing? You're here, same as us. You're no better than we are."

" Look, " I say, trying not to lose my temper, "Maybe the Crotch can fuck me, but I won't spread my own cheeks."

Animal Mother interrupts: "You ain't got a hair on your ass."

My lips are trembling. "Okay, Mother, you can just eat the peanuts out of my shit. I'm not the author of this farce, I'm just acting out my role. It's bad luck to wear green on stage but the war must go on. If God had wanted me to be a Marine I'd have been born with green, baggy skin. You got that?"

Nobody says anything.

I say, "I'm just a snuffy. A corporal. I don't send anybody out to get blown away. I know that getting killed over here is a waste of time."

I stand up. I take three steps toward Animal Mother. "You be gung ho, Mother. You give the orders." I take another step. "But not me! "

Nobody says anything.

Finally the New Guy says softly, "Bet a buck."

Animal Mother looks at me, then starts dropping his chips into the pot one at a time. "Call...raise you..." Counting...counting. "Five bucks."

The New Guy thinks about it. "I call."

"Oh, Jesus H. Christ!" Animal Mother slaps his cards down hard, bending them. "Number ten! I ain't got shit."

The New Guy says, "Three jacks." He flashes his cards and rakes up the pot.

"Hey, Mother," says Donlon, laughing, "that was humble."

Alice says, "You sure bluffed out the New Guy."

I say, "Lose a few, lose a few--right, Mother?"

Mother tries to be cool about it. "I couldn't fold, could I? Had over four bucks in the pot. I thought the New Guy would fold. Most people are afraid of me..."

Donlon laughs again. "Your program is squared away, New Guy. What's your name?"

"Parker," says the New Guy, smiling. "Name's Parker. Henry. People call me Hank."

The New Guy counts his chips. "Animal Mother, you owe me nine and a half bucks."

Animal Mother grunts.

I say, still standing, "Lose a few, lose a few--right, Mother?"

"Who fucking asked you, Joker? You're funny enough to be a lifer."

"Yeah? Well, when I'm a civilian first class and you're a bonehead funny gunny I'll buy you a beer and then I'll kick your ass." I sit down.

Cowboy grins. "You can buy me a beer, too, Joker. But you'll have to wait until I'm twenty-one."

Down the trail, someone laughs very loud. I say, "Hey, belay that noise. I'm making all the noise for this squad."