Toshikazu Kawaguchi - Tales from the Café

‘Oh, that’s strange. When did I start doing that?’

‘You didn’t notice? You’ve been crying the whole time.’

‘The whole time?’

‘Ever since I came out from the toilet, you’ve been crying.’

Gohtaro looked down to see that a puddle of his tears had formed on the table.

‘Th-these are ju-just…’

‘And that’s not all, either.’

‘Huh?’

‘The way you announced, “Haruka’s getting married” like that. You spoke of her like a father would of his own daughter. I can’t help thinking, you’ve been raising Haruka like a daughter in place of me!’

‘Shuichi…’

‘Which means…’

‘No, you’ve got it wrong.’

‘Come on, give it to me straight.’

‘…’

‘So, I’m…’

‘No… Shuichi, wait…’

‘…I’m dead, then?’

Pit-a-pat, pit-a-pat.

Instead of answering, Gohtaro’s flow of tears surged.

‘That’s heavy,’ muttered Shuichi.

Gohtaro was exaggeratedly shaking his head as a child might, but he couldn’t deceive him any longer. Against his will, tears streamed down his face.

His shoulders shuddered as he held back his sobs. To hide his tears he bit down hard on his lip and bowed his head.

Shuichi walked around the room and slumped down into the seat closest to the entrance.

‘When?’

Shuichi was asking when he would die.

Gohtaro wanted just to down the coffee and return to the present, but with his fists firmly clenched on his knees, he was frozen stiff, unable even to twitch.

‘No more lies… OK?… Give it to me straight,’ pleaded Shuichi looking Gohtaro in the eyes.

Gohtaro looked away and brought his hands together as if praying. He let out a heavy sigh.

‘In a year…’

‘…I’ve just got one year?’

‘It was a car crash.’

‘Oh god, really?

‘You were with Yoko…’

‘Oh god, no. Yoko too?’

‘So, I brought her up. I raised… Haruka.’

Gohtaro struggled with how to say Haruka’s name without sounding like her father, and Shuichi clearly noticed.

‘I see…’ he muttered with a weak smile.

‘But I plan on bringing it to an end… today,’ said Gohtaro with his voice trailing off.

Gohtaro had never been able to get rid of the thought that the father–daughter relationship that he had built with Haruka over the past twenty-two years had been gained through Shuichi’s death. Nevertheless, that spending his days with Haruka brought him happiness was beyond question.

But the happier he felt, the stronger his suspicion that with Shuichi left by the wayside, that happiness was not his to grab…

If he had been able to tell Haruka that he was not her real father earlier, perhaps the relationship built between the two of them would be different. But there was no point imagining what might have been.

Haruka’s wedding day would soon arrive. Putting it off until he would be revealed by the family register had only intensified his feelings of guilt.

I have lived my life unable to tell the truth for risk of losing my own happiness.

That was a betrayal of Shuichi, his guardian angel, and of Haruka.

I’m so pathetic, I don’t deserve to attend something as special as Haruka’s wedding.

And so he had planned to remove himself from Haruka’s life after revealing the truth.

Still holding the camera, Shuichi slowly rose. He came to stand beside Gohtaro, who remained slumped. He pointed the camera so that both men were in the shot and he put his arm around Gohtaro’s shoulder.

‘You’re not planning on going to the wedding, are you?’ asked Shuichi, shaking Gohtaro’s shoulder.

Shuichi had seen through everything.

‘No, I’m not,’ answered Gohtaro, still hunched over. ‘Even though Haruka’s father is Shuichi… is you… I could never tell her about you, her real father. You were the one who helped me… and I know I shouldn’t have… but I thought that if Haruka was my real… daughter, then…’ Gohtaro continued stumbling over his words. ‘And I ended up contemplating what should have been unthinkable.’

He brought both hands up to cover his face as he started bawling uncontrollably.

It had been his endless suffering.

By thinking, What if Haruka was really my own daughter , it was as if Shuichi had never existed. Gohtaro, whose feelings of indebtedness to him were insurmountable, despised himself for having thought such a thing.

‘OK, I get it now… and it’s just like you to do this to yourself… you’ve been suffering inside your head the entire time, haven’t you?’

Shuichi sniffed deeply through his runny nose.

‘OK, fine… let’s finish it today,’ he continued, tugging at Gohtaro’s earlobe.

‘I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…’ repeated Gohtaro, as tears fell through the crack between his hands still covering his face, and landed pit-a-pat on the table.

‘Right!’ said Shuichi as he pointed the camera to himself.

‘Haruka, listen! I have a proposition for you,’ he announced. His booming voice reverberated confidently through the cafe.

‘Starting from today,’ he began, pulling Gohtaro in close by the shoulder, ‘your father shall be both me and Gohtaro. Does that sound OK?’ he proposed straight into the camera.

Gohtaro’s shoulder stopped shaking with sobs. Shuichi didn’t pause.

‘Starting from today, you get an extra dad. That’s quite a bargain. What do you say?’

Gohtaro slowly lifted his teary face.

‘Hang on, what are you saying?’ he muttered in confusion.

Shuichi turned to Gohtaro.

‘You deserve to be happy!’ he quipped with utter conviction. ‘You can damn well stop tormenting yourself by thinking about me,’ he urged.

Gohtaro remembered.

Shuichi had always been like this. It never mattered how tough the going was, he was the eternal optimist. Ploughing on had always been the only the option. And like always, he was being the man who, even after just learning of his own death, could think of the happiness of others.

‘Be happy! Gohtaro…’

In the corner of the small cafe, two hulking men were hugging each other and crying.

The ceiling fan above them still spun slowly.

Shuichi was first to stop crying. He grabbed Gohtaro’s shoulder.

‘Hey! Look at the camera. We’re making a message for Haruka’s wedding, aren’t we?’

Gohtaro, supported by Shuichi’s arm, was finally able to look into the camera, but his face was puffy and soaked in tears.

‘Well, smile then,’ Shuichi urged. ‘Come on, both of us are going to put on smiley faces and wish Haruka a happy wedding day, aren’t we?’

Gohtaro tried to smile, but it was no good.

On seeing Gohtaro’s attempt, Shuichi laughed boisterously. ‘ Ha ha , nice look,’ and he put the camera into Gohtaro’s hand.

‘You’re definitely going to show this to Haruka, OK?’

Upon saying this, Shuichi stood up.

‘I’m sorry, Shuichi.’

Gohtaro was still crying.

‘Is something wrong with the coffee?’ queried Nagare in a low voice from behind the counter. It was his way of expressing concern. The coffee was going cold.

You’re not forgetting the time, are you? was what he meant.

‘Yeah, you should go,’ said Shuichi. Gohtaro stared into Shuichi’s eyes.

‘Shuichi!’ he yelled.

‘It’s OK. Don’t worry, I’m OK,’ he replied but it did nothing to dispel Gohtaro’s gloomy expression. He smiled wryly. ‘Hey! Are you planning on attending Haruka’s wedding as a spook or something?’ he asked, patting Gohtaro on the shoulder.