Steve Lowe - King of the Perverts

None of them see me sitting at the next table, but then I’m pretty well camouflaged in a long coat with a high collar, sunglasses, and a ballcap pulled down low. They walk right past me to the table where Tricia waves to them. I’m sitting with my back to them, right behind Tricia. Misty is the last to arrive and once they’ve all sat and introduced themselves, Tricia jumps right into it.

“Thanks for coming,” she says. “I know my message was pretty cryptic, but it was necessary. I’ve asked the three of you to join me here today because each of us has something in common. Or maybe I should say, some one in common. Now, before I tell you who that is, I need each of you to agree not to make a scene. At least not here.”

I’m not watching, but I know Tricia is staring right at Pauline when she says this. We agreed beforehand that this message was basically for her. We didn’t expect any outbursts from the other two, but of the three Pauline is the one that actually scares us. All three women eventually give their promise to remain calm and cool. When they have, Tricia turns and says to me over her shoulder, “OK, we’re ready.”

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. I have no idea how this is going to go and I’m nervous as hell. I stand and take off my coat, place it on the back of my chair, which I turn to face the table of women. Before I can lose my nerve, I remove my hat and sunglasses and sit down.

It takes a second for each of them to react. They are not exactly the reactions I am expecting.

Danielle gasps and rises a few inches out of her chair and says, “Motherfucker.”

Misty’s mouth drops open and she says, “You’re alive.” Then she stifles a giggle.

Pauline just sits there and blandly says, “Hi, Dennis.”

“Hi ladies.”

We’re all silent for a second. I meant to plunge right into my spiel but the nerves have taken over, seeing all of them together here. I’ve already told Tricia everything and she promised she was OK with this idea, but I’m still worried about how she will react. She smiles at me and nods encouragingly.

“Um, I know you’re all wondering why you’re here.”

Pauline says, “Not really. This is about the show, right?”

“Well, yeah, actually, but I also need to tell each of you something first.”

I take another deep breath.

“I need all of you to know that I’m sorry for what I did to you and how I treated you. I showed no respect at all and want to express my deep shame over my actions.”

Misty flat out laughs in my face. “OK,” she says, “apology accepted.”

Pauline just shrugs her shoulders and says, “And? Is that it?”

Danielle sits back and stares at her hands. She doesn’t say anything.

“No, that’s not it.” I reach into the pocket of my coat and pull out the papers and set them on the table. I pass a stack to each of the girls, except for Tricia who already signed hers, and I tell them, “You might not have known this at the time, but when we, um, were being intimate with each other, you were being secretly filmed for a TV show.”

Pauline shrugs again and says, “Yeah, I know this already.”

“Me too,” says Misty.

Only Danielle reacts the way I was expecting. She continues to stare at her hands, but her ears are red and she’s shaking her head.

I say to the other two, “You both knew about the show?”

Misty says, “Fuckin’ duh. That little weasel guy, Captain Sweaty, he told me all about it.”

Pauline nods in agreement and picks up the papers I slid in front of her. “What’s this, release form? Shit, pass me the pen, I’ll sign it.”

“Just like that? You’re not, like, pissed at me still?”

“Pissed at you? For what?”

“You know, that donkey punch thing? I thought you wanted to kill me.”

She rolls her eyes. “Shit, man, don’t you know acting when you see it?”

“You were acting ?”

“Hell yes. What, did you actually think you hurt me with that punch?”

I blush at the challenge to my manliness. “Well, yeah, I kind of did.”

“Dude, no disrespect, but my own nieces can throw a better punch than you.”

Judging by the scars on her face, I completely believe her. She finishes signing the release form with the pen Tricia slid across the table to her and Misty holds her hand out for it.

“And you’re not going to push me down another set of stairs for giving you a dirty sanchez?”

Misty laughs again, a robust sound that turns several heads in the coffee shop. “That knock on the head must have screwed up your memory, huh?”

“Actually, I guess it did. I don’t remember shit about that night.”

She’s nearly doubled over with laughter now. I’m moving beyond embarrassment and beginning to get a little irritated with her. “Are you going to tell me what happened or are you just going to humiliate me?”

When she catches her breath, she says, “Dennis, you didn’t give me a dirty sanchez. I gave one to you .”

People are beginning to whisper and point now. My face feels like it’s on fire.

“You started crying,” she continued. “You were blubbering and really drunk and I could hardly understand what you were saying. Finally, you just lay this huge confession on me and then get on your hands and knees and start shouting, ‘Do it to me! I deserve it! I’m such a bad person!’”

All four girls are laughing now, including Tricia. She leans toward Misty and says, “He asked me to pee on him!”

This breaks them up further. Yeah, we’re having just a great time now. Whee.

Misty chokes back her laughter long enough to tell me, “You asked me to ride you like a donkey. You made me smack your ass and say giddy-up. And then you told me to do it. So I did, and it was a really good one, too. You must have had an all-day shit brewing in there. Then you started bucking like crazy. You threw me off and went tear-assing out of the room, and the next thing I know, you’re at the bottom of the steps outside, bleeding everywhere and your Russian buddy is standing there freaking out. I seriously thought you were dead, man, so I got the fuck out of there. But I made sure to wash my hands on the way out.”

That breaks them all up again. This goes on for several excruciating minutes until Misty regains enough composure to sign the release form and slide it over to Tricia. Once everyone finally calms down, we all eventually turn to Danielle. She doesn’t look furious any longer, but her smile fades fast. I feel like I need to say something more to her.

“Danielle, please know that I –”

She cuts me off, saying, “No, don’t talk.” She sits quietly for a moment, gathering her thoughts. When she continues, she looks me straight in the eye with laser beams that cut right through me. “You humiliated me, Dennis.”

I nod and have to look away from her.

“What you did to me… I can’t even begin to explain my… my… fury at you.”

That pretty much kills the jovial mood, which is more what I expected from this meeting. I wait for her to say something else, but when she doesn’t, I try again.

“You have to believe me when I tell you I’m sorry, Danielle. I really am. I have no excuse for what I did to you. But that’s why I asked you here. All of you. I want to make it up, at least a little bit. You know that this was a show, but really, it was a contest. Each one of you represented a challenge, a test for me to pass. And I did.”

I nod in Misty’s direction and say, “In my own strange way, I did. And I won.”

All the girls look up at me with genuine surprise on their faces.

“I won the contest, and after the final show airs in a couple months, I’ll receive my prize. And I want to share that prize with each of you. Five ways, evenly split between all of us.”