Emmanuel Bove: Henri Duchemin and His Shadows

“There’s no reason. You are free. You come here whenever you want.”

Ha! I left very quietly, without answering my father’s questions. He was still speaking and I was already outside. I could hear him through the door. Hmm, I was wrong to laugh. My father must be suffering! Poor Father, I loved you so! You alone had affection for me. Poor Father. Now you no longer have a son. You are suffering. You must be crying. And I, I am here in this locked room. Ha ha! You no longer have a child, my dearest father, you who thought I would always be beside you to brighten your old age! My smile will not warm your aged heart. The name you bear and of which you are so proud will die with you. You won’t know the joy of welcoming your child in your solitary retirement. Just when you thought you would at last live out peaceful days, when it seemed that the rigors of life would leave you alone so that you could regain the childlike soul that a man must have in order to die without suffering, once again I plunged you into pain. Farewell, poor Father. Don’t be angry with your son. He did what he had to do. Soon death will come and set you free.

* * *

But this story is not finished. I have a girlfriend whom I love more than anything in the world. She is beautiful, more beautiful than every other woman because I love her. Not a minute goes by when I don’t think about her. I love her so much that when I am far from her it always seems to me that I have not been as kind as I should have been. Now, like my father, she is suffering. I am sure my beloved Monique is suffering.

I went to her place. Monique is the only woman I have ever loved passionately. Monique is blond, her eyes are blue, and her skin so delicate that the slightest stroke leaves a mark.

Monique! I’ll never see you again. Poor Monique, how you will suffer, you who should never have known the ugly side of life! You are twenty and already you have lost all your illusions. You were made to go through life in a glow of happiness. And I, coward that I am, no longer wanted to see you. I’ve shattered your youth. Monique, do not forgive me. Suffer in silence until all is forgotten. Yes, suffer, my beloved. You will still know moments of happiness when you remember me. You will recall my silly, childish words. They won’t make you laugh as they did before, but they will remind you of so many delightful moments.

I went to Monique’s. My heart was pounding as I was about to knock on her door. She was asleep when I entered her bedroom. I saw her, half-naked, in her bed. I looked at her for a long time before waking her. You don’t know why I looked at her? Ha! It was so she would be embarrassed when I told her. Yes, I looked at her for a long time. She is so young and healthy that her sleep is restful. I was not simply looking at someone who had slept well. I was looking at a young woman completely prepared to live life again until the following evening.

I went up to the bed and woke her with the tenderness of someone who has been close to the sleeping person for a long time. She opened her eyes and immediately the blue of her pupils dazzled me. She stretched a rosy arm above her curls, an adorable arm, an arm that extended from shoulder to hand without a bend at the elbow. She raised a knee beneath the sheets with no trouble because her legs are not long. Then she turned her head toward me. A loving smile appeared on her face, still warm from trouble-free dreams.

She had no idea, poor Monique, of what I had come to tell her. She thought I was going to lie down next to her, kiss her, and that she would ask me to make silly faces to amuse her.

No, I am not like that. When I’ve made up my mind about something I do not back down. You have to have absolutely no willpower to assign yourself a task and not carry it out. You have to be a man with no backbone. I am not like that. You’ll see exactly what I said to my beloved Monique, what I had decided to tell her. I did not weaken my resolve at any moment. Nonetheless, I could have felt sorry for her. I am not heartless. When someone cries in my presence, well, it moves me. No, I resisted. I wanted to show once and for all who I am.

“Monique!”

“Fernand.”

Watch out here. I am going to bring you deep inside me. You will understand. Listen carefully. I love Monique. She loves me.

“Listen, Monique, I have to leave you.”

“Where are you going?”

“I’m leaving you for good.”

Monique sat up in bed. For the first time, she looked me in the eyes. But she could not read anything there because my eyes do not betray me. Ha! Eyes are like a nose. They are always the same.

“Are you crazy, Fernand?”

“I am not crazy.”

“But where are you going?”

“I’m leaving you for good.”

Then, getting out of bed, she wrapped her arms around me.

“Fernand, Fernand, you’re mad. What’s wrong? You know I love you and only you. Do you have anything to reproach me for? Tell me so I can defend myself.”

This is when you should have seen me. I was absolutely calm faced with the immense pain of the woman I love. I did not move. Although she begged me to speak, I said not a word. Ah! I was exactly as I always was. This, especially, is how great men are recognized. Major events have no hold over them. They are always the same. I was insanely in control of myself. Perhaps I was pale. But it takes so little to grow pale.

“Fernand, Fernand, you know I adore you.”

“I know,” I said with a deliberate smile.

“How could you, my Fernand, suspect me of anything? I love only you. You are the most beautiful man to me.”

Poor Monique, how you suffered!

But I did not weaken for a second. I know all too well that if I had simply consoled her, I would have lost my confidence. I absolutely had to remain pitiless.

“Fernand, I cannot believe it. You’re joking.”

“I am not joking.”

“Well, I just don’t understand. Don’t you love me a lot?”

“Of course I love you.”

“I don’t understand, I don’t understand. Is it because of André? You know I don’t love him. I love you.”

Poor Monique! What did I do to you? From the purest happiness, I sent you into the greatest despair. You cried leaning against me. I saw the tears fall from your eyes. And they were the saddest tears of all because they fell from your eyes that remained open. Poor Monique, you’re alone now. You no longer have any reason to live because we are no longer together.

“Farewell, Monique. Be strong! One must know how to be brave in the face of unhappiness.”

“So it’s true, Fernand?”

“Yes. Farewell.”

“But I didn’t do anything to you.”

“Farewell, Monique.”

And I left. I shut the door very gently so that my darling would not think I was angry. I left. Yes, I left. You see, it’s not difficult. And to think I believed it would be impossible to leave someone. It is not. It’s very easy. You need simply feel no pity. I know this kind of coldness cannot be acquired from one day to the next. But after a time, one manages. You can see that deep down it was not so terrible.

* * *

I spared no one. When I left my beloved Monique’s, I went to see my friend Léon. He was not home. I sat down at his desk, took a sheet of paper, and wrote:

My only friend,

I would have liked to see you one last time. It was not to be. This is sad, because I am leaving you forever. Farewell, Léon. From now on you will follow a path different from mine. It was what fate desired. But know that in difficult moments I will think of you with all my heart. I will always remember our perfect friendship. It will be the invisible companion of my life. I will turn to it whenever I am in pain. I will ask advice of it. My only friend, you are my only friend! Your feelings for me were not overly tender. They were what they should be between men. But they were sweeter to me than all the complicated feelings of love.