Emmanuel Bove - Henri Duchemin and His Shadows

I cannot bear to see someone suffer, and as a result it would seem I am incapable of doing any harm. But this is not so! You will be surprised at what I did. Suddenly, I discovered in myself unsuspected strength, which is the mark of great youth, and I plunged everyone around me into the deepest distress, including my parents and the woman I love. Yes, that is what I did. And now that I am free, now that everything is over, I wonder if I won’t regret it.

How could I have done that, I who am so good and whose heart melts into tears at the slightest pain felt by someone else? It’s incomprehensible, and that is why I am writing this story. Perhaps there will be someone to explain it, to feel sorry for me, because there is no question that strangers can be closer than friends.

As I said earlier, we are going to proceed in an orderly fashion so that everyone can understand what happened. But here’s the thing. At bottom, nothing happened. My poor head aches. I wish everyone could understand immediately what is seething in my brain without my having to write about it. That would simplify everything. What can I do? I like what is simple. As soon as I attempt to explain complicated feelings, I become confused and begin to lose my concentration. It’s very funny. I can see the thoughts that are in the foreground of my mind very clearly, but as soon as I try to go behind them, I find myself in a haze.

So, in order to be able to finish this story, I am going to recount it as simply as can be. It would be ridiculous to begin like this, very clearly, and then become confused at the end without the reader having been able to understand what I meant. And not only would it be ridiculous, but there would be no hope for me in the reader’s eyes. It would be better for me to write calmly, taking my time, and then you would understand me and say I am right. You’ll see that the people who think badly of me are wrong and that, despite what I did, I am a reasonable man.

If you doubt this, you should tell me. I won’t get angry. I am intelligent enough to grasp that everyone may be right. No, I won’t get angry. I will then find out that something in me is not normal. I will look after myself. I will take trips, I will get my mind off things, and later, when I feel better, when no one will be able to speak badly of me anymore, I will tell this story again. And this time, people will be forced to understand what I meant.

Now I will begin. Pay attention. Let’s be serious. I am about to begin. The first thing I have to say, which to my mind is very important, is that everything you are about to read is true. I am inventing nothing. This whole thing happened to me yesterday. I plunged everyone who knows me into sadness. And for the first time in my life, I am not suffering. I was right to act as I did. If I had hurt only one person, I would be unhappy today. But since everyone is crying because of me, I am smiling. I am alone. I am not suffering. Everything was perfectly calculated. We shall see what will happen now. I am gathering all my strength to remain in this state. I am fine. Everything happened the way I thought it would. I did not have to face any unforeseen circumstances, which no doubt would have disconcerted me. Now, my life’s goal has been attained. My happiness will not be compromised by some blunder. What will happen tomorrow? I have no idea. But for the moment, all is well. So let’s not talk about all that anymore. Let’s examine the facts.

* * *

Yesterday morning I woke up as usual at about eight o’clock. My eyes were not shocked by some unexpected position of the hands on my watch. So everything was starting out very well.

If you had seen me in my bed, you would have laughed. I did not move when I awoke. I did not move a muscle. I gazed at the ceiling. I closed my eyes again for no reason. I opened them again. I closed them again. It was funny.

None of that is serious. There is something much more serious. I made my family suffer, and my friends.

Now I am writing. You can see that I am writing because you are reading what I write. Well, they are suffering, they are suffering because of me. But I must not feel sorry or else I won’t finish this story, and that would be a shame.

Yes, had you seen me in bed, you would have laughed aloud. Had you seen how serious I was when I woke up! It was as if a scientist had awoken. Well, I don’t want to dwell on that. It’s only of secondary interest. What follows is much more serious. Now I must write seriously. You can imagine that if I am writing now, with my head aching, it is because I have something important to say, otherwise I would go out for a stroll.

So, it was eight in the morning. I waited a few minutes before getting up. That’s natural. Everyone does that. I don’t have to hide it. And I got dressed. Yes, I got dressed. So you see! If I were what some people think, I would have gone out naked. I dressed slowly, but I did dress. I was in no hurry. I had the whole day before me. I ate breakfast as usual. I put on my hat and went out.

Now pay attention! We are nearing the serious, very serious thing. No more smiling. Don’t think that it bothers me if someone smiles while I am speaking seriously. I don’t care. But now I am asking you, humbly, not to smile. It is too serious. Pay attention, reader! Read these lines by yourself. No one should be around you. I too am alone. We are both alone. Pay attention. Lock the door. Mine is already closed. You will see what happened. Shhh! Shhh! Listen. Don’t get up, don’t move. So. I was at my father’s. I was allowed into his bedroom because I am his son. So I saw my father in his shirtsleeves. He’s quite ugly like that. I can’t look at him. My father must be completely dressed, or else I feel ill at ease.

“Father!”

He turned around. He has a thick black beard and almost no hair on his head. He was surprised. He did not know why I had come. He suspected nothing. Ha! He did not know what I was about to tell him. But I knew. Everything was prepared in my mind. Nothing could make me change, not even his surprise. Nothing. I was determined. Ha! My poor father. He was about to know and he did not know yet.

“Father!”

“What is it?”

Don’t think that I started to laugh. No, I am not like that. I came because of something serious. So I had to act appropriately in his presence.

“Father, I have something to say to you.”

“Go ahead, go ahead.”

Watch out! Watch out! You’re going to see what I said. Ha! But it’s true. I said it in a firm voice. I could have weakened at the last moment. But I did not! I am finished with weakness. I am fed up with always changing my mind in front of someone. I want to be myself. After all, I’m a man. I fought in the war. I have seen dead people. It’s over now. Ah, yes. It’s good to obey when one is a child. Now everything has changed. My life is before me. You’ll see right away that I’m not lying, that I am also capable of great deeds. Ha! Now no one can say that I have no willpower.

“Tell me what you need to tell me!”

“I don’t want to see you anymore, Father.”

“You don’t want to see me anymore?”

“No. That’s what I’ve decided.”

“You’re mad.”

“No, I am not mad. If I were mad, I would know it, and I would not have made a decision like this.”

“What’s wrong, son? You must be ill.”

“No, I don’t want to see you anymore.”

“But what is it? You haven’t slept. You’re losing your mind.”

“It’s settled.”

“I’m going to have you locked up.”

“I am twenty years old. I am free to do as I please.”

“Explain yourself.”

“I won’t.”

“Why, why? I don’t understand what you mean. Not see me anymore?”

“Yes.”