Conrad Aiken - Conversation; or, Pilgrims' Progress

— Famous Place to See Moon! Christ !

He said it aloud, with surprising anger and bitterness, stressing ironically each word in turn; swung about, his hands in his khaki pockets, to stare towards the dark Purington house; and then found himself, without having made any decision about it, knocking at the white bathroom door.

“Enid,” he said.

The water was still running — he listened with averted face, breathing rather quickly. Perhaps she couldn’t hear him? He knocked again.

“Enid, please!”

There was no answer.

“ Enid !”

“Will you please go away , Timothy?”

The voice was muffled and distant — the water seemed to be running louder.

“No, I won’t go away. Will you please let me in?”

“I don’t want to see you.”

“Ee, dear, listen — I’m sorry I said that, terribly sorry—”

“It doesn’t matter — any more, Timothy.”

“Of course it matters, darling. Darling, don’t be absurd.”

“It doesn’t matter; nothing matters. Timothy, will you please go away ?”

“No, Ee. I won’t go away. I’m going to stay right here till you open the door. Now, darling, don’t be silly—”

The sound of water seemed to have diminished — perhaps one of the taps had been turned off. But there was no answer, no other sound. He listened, his cheek against the door — he tried pressing it, but it was latched. He rattled it again.

“Ee, dear, did you hear what I said? Please !”

There was again a long pause, and then Enid’s voice, now a little clearer:

“Yes, I heard you—”

“Are you all right, darling?”

“Yes, I’m all right.”

“Darling, do forgive me. I didn’t mean it, I was just too angry — and let me come in, won’t you, please?”

“No, Tip—”

“Please, darling—”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I couldn’t, Tip — not now. I look too dreadful—”

“As if that mattered — but we can’t leave it like this, darling, it was all so wrong and bad — are you still listening, darling?”

“Yes, I’m listening—”

He grinned, privately, at the door, and said:

“You’re running much too much water, you know!”

“ Oh !”

“In every sense of the word. And I’m very much ashamed of myself, and I love you very much. And if you don’t come out this minute I’ll break the door down. See?”

“But I can’t , looking like this—”

“Oh, yes, you can.”

“Well—”

There was a pause, the water was turned off, a little interval of silence; and then he heard her footsteps coming towards him, the obstinate resonant little click of the door hook, and the door swung slowly inward. She was pale, she was trying to smile, there were still tears in her eyes, she was shy — she was as shy as she had been when he had first told her that he was in love with her. Her hands held behind her back, her mouth trembling a little, she looked up at him, the pupils of her eyes very large and dark, very hurt, but very tender, too. The arrogance had gone from her — and in the moment before either of them moved it was as if he heard, high above them somewhere, the swift wingbeats of hatred, flashing past and away — and then he put out his hand and took the green-smocked elbow in it and drew her towards him. She didn’t offer to kiss him — she merely leaned her cheek against his breast.

“Darling, will you forgive me—”

“Of course, Tip, dear, if you’ll forgive me, too—”

“No, I’m afraid I was the naughty one — but oh , what a relief—!”

“Isn’t it heavenly —! ”

“Just to be together again, after all these days and days—”

“I’ve been very hard and mean and selfish, Tip, I’m so dreadfully ashamed, but I’ll do better—”

“No, darling, no. It’s only that things have been difficult for us—”

“Do you think so? But aren’t we silly to hurt each other so much!”

“I didn’t mean any of it, darling. I didn’t mean a single word. Don’t you believe a thing I said—”

“And you too, Tip dear, I was demented—”

“Not a single word. I didn’t know what I was saying. I don’t know what got into me, I just wanted to hurt and hurt you, and said anything I could think of that would hurt you—”

“That’s just what I did, Tip. It’s as if a demon had got hold of us, isn’t it, and jangled us — do you suppose for some purpose? It’s all so meaningless !”

“I know. Good god, what a pair of fools we are — you’d think after all this time together we’d have a little more sense, wouldn’t you?”

“We mustn’t do it again, we must promise not to do it again—”

“No, Ee darling, we won’t — and isn’t it absurd—”

“What, dear?”

“—that it’s really because we love each other so much that we can hurt each other so, and perhaps feel we have to — I wonder if that’s it? And I do love you so much, Ee, I simply adore you — all day, in spite of everything, I’ve been adoring you, you don’t know how much—”

“ Really , Tip?”

“ Really , Ee — like anything. Even in my rage about things I couldn’t forget it, it seemed to me I’d never loved you so much. It was all really damned funny — what with that blasted cesspool, and Jim Connor, and that dreadful little ‘artist’ in the taxi, and everything — and all the time I was simply bursting with love—”

“Darling, how sweet and funny you are!”

“And you , darling, what a cold and clammy cheek you have — aren’t you ashamed of crying like that? Were you crying?”

“Yes, I was crying — It was funny, it’s a long time since I’ve cried — I guess maybe it took you to make me cry — perhaps it’s a good thing! Anyway, it’s a testimonial to your power!”

“ What a thing to say to your husband!”

“Oh, dear—!”

She sighed, smiled, looked up at him quickly, then began rubbing her nose rabbitlike against his coat. It suddenly occurred to him how comic the whole thing was, their standing here in the bathroom door, for such a purpose, but then, abruptly, he remembered—

“Listen, darling,” he said.

“Yes, Tip, dear.”

“No — I don’t know. Perhaps I’d better not?”

He shook his head.

“What, dear — what is it!”

“My lovely Endor, it’s nothing to do with this — but I suddenly thought of it, it’s been so much on my mind all evening. It’s a terrible thing that Terence told me tonight, I met him down at the lower village—”

“Ought I to hear it?”

“Yes — it will shock you, darling — but as a matter of fact it ought to do us both good. Maybe at least it will remind us to come to our senses! Miss Twitchell was found drowned this morning in Indian Pond.”

“Oh, no , Tip—!”

“Yes. Some small boys found her. And they now think she’d been dead for two days. I wanted so much to tell you, Ee — I thought it might even bring us together — but I couldn’t, somehow, with things so unhappy between us—”

“Oh, the poor, poor creature—! But why , Tip, why ?”

“Nobody seems to know. It was suicide, though. There doesn’t seem to be much doubt about that.”

“And I meant to call on her, and didn’t — or to have her to tea — and she was so nice, remember, about those lilies of the valley—”