Naguib Mahfouz - The Beginning and the End

“Why did you stop visiting us?” she asked disapprovingly.

“You know, for reasons that prevent me from appearing in our old quarter,” he said, taken aback.

“Why didn’t you meet me on the roof after I left the paper in your hand?” she asked again.

“My brother and I had an important appointment.”

“And what about your sudden departure to Tanta without telling me?” she asked him sadly.

“I had to get away at once,” he said, avoiding her eyes.

“You don’t even try to make up reasonable excuses,” she exclaimed in anger.

As delicate and painful as the situation was, Hassanein realized that any wavering on his part would be fatal. As far as his liberty and career were concerned, he would make no concessions. Pretending sadness, he murmured, “My situation is too complicated for you to understand.”

“That you’ve changed is the only thing I can understand. You’ve become a different person. I’m neither foolish nor stupid. You don’t want to see me.”

“May God forgive you.”

Although she had originally been less communicative, her awareness of their limited time together loosened her tongue.

“Don’t be so equivocal,” she said, obviously pained. “I want to understand everything. What’s wrong with you? Why have you changed so much? Tell me!”

In his concern for his own salvation and escape, he failed to sense the pain and despair in her words. “I didn’t change, but my situation did,” he said.

“Yes, your situation did change, but for the better.”

“Only on the surface. Actually, I’m beginning to realize that my responsibilities are heavy indeed.”

“Weren’t you aware of them before?” she asked, her anger seeping into her voice. “All your responsibilities put together won’t stop you from doing whatever you want if you really want it.”

“I want but I can’t.”

Looking closely at him, her face pale, she murmured, “No. You can but you don’t want.”

How tormented he was, for he knew he had no answer. He grew more recalcitrant. “You’re mistaken,” he murmured.

Seeking to penetrate his innermost thoughts, she looked him up and down in fear and desperation. “No,” she replied, “I’m not mistaken. If you really wanted it, you would stop saying that you couldn’t. These are only pretexts.” She sighed in spite of herself. “You’re no longer in love with me and you want to get rid of me. Is there any other reason?”

Although he inwardly admitted this was the truth, yet it appalled and pained him to hear her say it.

“You’re most unjust to me,” he said, raising his eyebrows in contradiction.

Far from calming her, this made her even more desperate. Pressed for time, in her increasing anxiety she cast off her characteristic shyness. “It’s you who are unjust,” she exclaimed. “You’re thinking of getting rid of me after three years of engagement!”

He avoided her eyes. Pained and embarrassed, he was still determined not to retreat. “My situation,” he said, “is too difficult for you to understand. I’ve got to struggle on, come what may.”

Suddenly her tone became soft. Flushing, she said to him beseechingly, “If this is the only reason, I’m ready to share your struggle.”

This new approach made him ill at ease. “The struggle will be long, hard to endure.”

Continuing in the same tone, she said, “Never mind. But I beg you to declare our engagement in the usual way.”

This sudden drift in the conversation after it had almost come to an end caught him unawares; he was overcome by fear, irritation, and worry. “No!” he exclaimed involuntarily.

Stunned, she stared at him. She lowered her eyes desperately, her face flushed. She opened and closed her lips again and again as if she wanted to speak but could not.

“Don’t you see?” she murmured. “I was right when I said you wanted to get rid of me.”

Overtaken by a kind of confusion he had never experienced before, he fell into deep silence. Then, as if apologetically, he said, “I’m very, very sorry. Perhaps someday you will be able to forgive me.”

“That’s enough,” she said, fatigued and defeated. “I don’t want to hear another word.”

A deep silence fell on the room as if infesting it with an incurable, suffocating disease. Despite his anguish and embarrassment, the young man found solace in this silence, confident that eventually, no matter how long it took, his pain was bound to end. And when it did, he would feel free. He cast a secretive glance at her. What, he wondered, was passing through her mind? Did she still want him? Or did she hate him? Or did she want to avenge herself upon him? What were their mothers speaking about, and how would their long conversation end?

Only I, he thought, and nobody else, can determine my destiny. He heard the voices of the two women approaching. In sudden anxiety, his heart beat fast, accelerating as they returned contentedly to their places. There was a knock on the door. Nefisa entered and Hussein returned to the room; this diversion restored part of his calm. Despite Bahia’s obviously sullen mood, the conversation took the usual course until the visit ended.

Hassanein looked anxiously and inquiringly at his mother. She understood that he wanted to know about her conversation with Bahia’s mother. Her glance was cool.

“Bahia’s mother spoke to me,” she said, “about the need for an official declaration of the engagement, and I ultimately approved.”

Frowning angrily, the young man struck the palm of one hand against the other. “Mother, you were too hasty!”

Seeing that his words astonished his mother, he added, “Of course, I don’t blame you. But I’ve broken off the engagement.”

All eyes stared incredulously at him.

“What are you saying?” his mother inquired.

Stressing each word as it came out of his mouth, he answered, “Today, right now, I’ve broken off the engagement. When they left us, Bahia knew that everything between us was over.”

“Brother, what is this you’re saying?” Hussein worriedly exclaimed. “How did it happen?”

“I’m amazed at your words,” his mother said. “I understand nothing. Did any misunderstanding flare up between you and Bahia? When? How?”

Nefisa stopped in the middle of taking off her shoes. “Speak, Hassanein,” she said. “This news is most surprising, to say the least.”

“Yes, and it wasn’t just a short time ago that I decided to break off the engagement,” the young man said grimly. “But I didn’t want to tell anybody about it. Today, alone with her in this room, I found it imperative to tell her. So everything is over now. Please, all of you, don’t ask me about what we said. This concerns nobody but us.”

“This must have been a cruel shock to the poor girl,” Hussein said. “I hope you have good reasons to justify this dreadful decision.”

“What a scandal!” the worried mother declared. “I reached an agreement with the girl’s mother at the very moment you annulled it. What will the woman think of me? Will she suspect that I knew your intentions and that I was deceiving her all along? What did you do, my son? What is the reason for all this? And what’s wrong with the girl?”

Annoyed at the conversation, Nefisa cried sharply, “Let’s hear what the young man concerned has to say.”

“Bahia is a faultless girl,” Hassanein said to his mother. “But I realized quite clearly that she couldn’t be the ideal wife for me.”

“You’ve been engaged for three years,” his mother said. “How can you possibly desert her without good reason?”

Shaking his head, Hussein supported his mother. “That’s right,” he said. “Breaking off an engagement is a dreadful thing. It shouldn’t happen without good reason!”