Wu Cheng-en - Journey to the West (vol. 1)

“You've got no sense of what's proper, old man,” replied Monkey with a grin. “He told me that although he may have put away a lot of your rice and tea, he's also done you a lot of good. You've piled up a lot of wealth in the past few years, all thanks to his efforts. He says he hasn't been eating your food in idleness, and wants to know why you're trying to have him exorcised. He maintains that he is a heavenly Immortal come down to earth who has been working for your family and has never harmed your daughter. I would say that he is a very fitting son-in-law for you, who does your family's name no harm. You really ought to keep him.”

“Venerable sir,” the old man replied, “he may never have done anything wicked, but it does our reputation no good to have a son-in-law like him. Whether he does anything or not, people say that the Gaos have asked a monster to marry into the family, and I simply can't bear to hear a thing like that.”

“Go and have it out with him, and then we'll see what to do,” said Sanzang.

“I'll try a trick on him this time,” Monkey replied. “I guarantee to bring him back this time for you to look at. But don't be angry with him.”

“Old Gao,” he continued, addressing the old man, “look after my master well. I'm off.”

By the time the words were out of his mouth, he had disappeared. He leapt up the mountain and smashed the gates of the cave to splinters with a single blow of his cudgel, shouting, “Come out and fight Monkey, you chaff-guzzling moron.” The monster, who had been snoring inside, heard the gates being smashed and the insulting “chaff-guzzling moron,” and went wild with fury.

Seizing his rake and summoning up his spirit, he rushed out and shrieked, “You shameless Protector of the Horses. What have I ever done to you to make you smash down my gates? You'd better take a look at the statute book: there's the death penalty for breaking and entering.”

“You fool,” laughed Monkey, “I've got a very good justification for smashing your gates-you abducted a girl by force, without matchmakers or witnesses, and without giving proper presents or observing the right ceremonies. You're a fine one to talk about who deserves to have his head cut off.”

“Stop talking such nonsense and see how this rake of mine strikes you,” the monster replied.

Blocking the blow with his cudgel, Monkey retorted, “Is that the rake you used when you were tilling the fields and growing vegetables for the Gaos as their hired hand? What's so wonderful about it that I should be afraid of you?”

“You don't realize that it's no ordinary weapon,” the monster replied. “You'd better listen while I tell you about it:

This was refined from divine ice-iron,

Polished till it gleamed dazzling white,

Hammered by Lord Lao Zi himself,

While Ying Huo fed the fire with coal-dust.

The Five Emperors of the Five Regions applied their minds to it,

The Six Dings and Six jias went to great efforts.

They made nine teeth of jade,

Cast a pair of golden rings to hang beneath them,

Decorated the body with the Six Bright Shiners and the Five planets,

Designed it in accordance with the Four Seasons and the Eight Divisions.

The length of top and bottom match Heaven and Earth.

Positive and Negative were to left and right, dividing the sun and moon.

The Six Divine Generals of the Oracular Lines are there, following the Heavenly Code;

The constellations of the Eight Trigrams are set out in order.

It was named the Supremely Precious Gold-imbued Rake,

And served to guard the gates of the Jade Emperor's palace.

As I had become a great Immortal,

I now enjoyed eternal life,

And was commissioned as Marshal Tian Peng,

With this rake to mark my imperial office.

When I raise it, fire and light stream forth;

When I lower it, a snowy blizzard blows.

It terrifies the Heavenly Generals,

And makes the King of Hell too quake with fear.

There is no other weapon matching it on Earth,

Nor iron to rival it throughout the world.

It changes into anything I like,

And leaps about whenever I say the spell.

For many a year I've carried it around,

Keeping it with me every single day.

I will not put it down even to eat,

Nor do I when I sleep at night.

I took it with me to the Peach Banquet,

And carried it into the celestial court.

When I sinned my sin in drunken pride,

I used it to force compliance with my evil will.

When Heaven sent me down to the mortal dust,

I committed all kinds of wickedness down here.

I used to devour people in this cave,

Until I fell in love and married in Gao Village.

This rake has plunged beneath the sea to stir up dragons,

And climbed high mountains to smash up tigers' dens.

No other blade is worth a mention

Besides my rake, the sharpest weapon ever.

To win a fight with it requires no effort;

Of course it always brings me glory.

Even if you have an iron brain in a brazen head and a body of steel,

This rake will scatter your souls and send your spirit flying.”

Monkey put his cudgel away and replied, “Stop shooting your mouth off, you idiot. I'm now sticking my head out for you to hit. Let's see you scatter my souls and send my spirits flying.” The monster raised his rake and brought it down with all his might, but although flames leapt forth, it did not even scratch Monkey's scalp.

The monster's arms and legs turned to jelly with fright as he exclaimed, “What a head, what a head.”

“You wouldn't know,” Monkey replied. “When I was captured by the Little Sage for wrecking the Heavenly Palace, stealing the pills of immortality and the heavenly peaches, and filching the imperial wine, I was marched to a place outside the Dipper and Bull Palace, where all the gods of Heaven hacked at me with axes, hit me with maces, cut at me with swords, stabbed at me with daggers, tried to burn me with lightning, and pounded me with thunder; but none of it hurt me in the slightest. Then I was taken off by the Great High Lord Lao and put in the Eight Trigrams Furnace, where I was refined with divine fire, so that my eyes are now fiery, my pupils golden, my head brazen, and my shoulders of iron. If you don't believe me, try a few more blows to see whether you can hurt me or not.”

“I remember you, you baboon,” the monster replied. “When you made trouble in Heaven, you lived in the Water Curtain Cave on the Mountain of Flowers and Fruit in the land of Aolai in the Continent of Divine Victory. I haven't heard of you for a very long time. What brings you here, and why are you bullying me in front of my own gates? Surely my father-in-law didn't go all that way to ask you to come here?”

“No,” said Monkey, “he didn't. I have turned away from evil and been converted to good. I have given up Taoism and become a Buddhist. I am protecting the Patriarch Sanzang, the younger brother of the Great Tang Emperor, on his journey to the Western Heaven to visit the Buddha and ask for the scriptures. We happened to ask for a night's lodging when we came to Gao Village, and in the course of our conversation Old Gao asked me to rescue his daughter and capture you, you chaff-guzzling moron.”

The monster dropped his rake to the ground, chanted a respectful “na-a-aw,” and said, “Where's this pilgrim? Please take me to meet him.”

“What do you want to see him for?” Monkey asked.

“Guanyin converted me and told me to obey the monastic rules and eat vegetarian food here till I could go with that pilgrim, the one who's going to the Western Heaven to worship the Buddha and ask for the scriptures. I'll be able to make up for my sins through this good deed, and win a good reward. I've been waiting for him for years, but there's been no news of him till now. If you're a disciple of his, why didn't you say something about fetching the scriptures before, instead of making this vicious attack on me in my own home?”