Vasily Grossman - Life And Fate

'All right,' he said to Getmanov. 'I'll tell you how I see the situation.'

'But what about the letter? Don't you love her any longer?'

'Thank you. That can wait.'

Nyeudobnov came in and Novikov began.

'The only problem is with the men themselves. They're falling asleep in their tanks during combat. They're worn out. The brigade commanders included. Karpov's not too bad, but Byelov fell asleep while he was talking to me – he hasn't stopped for five days. The drivers and mechanics are falling asleep on the move. They're too exhausted even to eat.'

'But Pyotr Pavlovich,' Getmanov broke in, 'how do you see the general situation?'

'There's no risk of a counter-offensive in our sector. The Germans have lost their nerve. They're taking to their heels as fast as they can.'

As he spoke, he could feel the envelope between his fingers. He let it go for a moment and then quickly grasped it again; he was afraid it might escape from his pocket.

'Very well,' said Getmanov. 'That seems clear enough. Now listen to what I've got to say. The general and I have been right to the top. I spoke to Nikita Sergeyevich himself. He gave his word that we would not lose our air support.'

'But Khrushchev has no direct military authority,' said Novikov.

'Yes and no,' said Getmanov. 'The general's just received confirmation from Air Army Headquarters. The aircraft are staying with us.'

'And the roads aren't bad at all,' said Nyeudobnov hurriedly. 'The forces in the rear will catch up with us in no time. The main thing, comrade Lieutenant-Colonel, is that it's your own decision.'

'Now he's demoting me,' thought Novikov. 'He really must be worried.'

'Yes, gentlemen,' said Getmanov. 'It seems more and more as though we really will be the ones to begin the liberation of Mother Ukraine. I told Nikita Sergeyevich that our men are besieging their officers, that their greatest dream is to be called "The Ukrainian Corps".'

Novikov felt irritated by this falsehood. 'There's only one thing they're dreaming of,' he said, 'and that's having a few hours' sleep. Do you understand? They've been on the move for five days and five nights.'

'So it's been decided, has it?' said Getmanov. 'We're pressing on. Right?'

Novikov half-opened the envelope, stuck two fingers inside and felt the letter itself. His whole body ached to look again at the familiar handwriting.

'What I've decided,' said Novikov, 'is to call a halt for ten hours. The men need to recover their strength. They need a rest.'

'Ten hours!' said Nyeudobnov. 'We'll throw away everything if we lose ten hours.'

'Wait a moment,' said Getmanov. 'Let's just think about it a little.' His cheeks, his ears, even his neck were slowly turning red.

'I already have thought about it,' said Novikov with a slight laugh.

Getmanov exploded:

'To hell with them all! So what if they haven't had enough sleep! There'll be time enough for them to sleep… And you want to call a halt just because of that! You're dithering, Pyotr Pavlovich, and I protest! First you delay the beginning of the offensive. Now you want to put your men to bed. It's becoming quite a habit. I intend to report this to the Military Soviet. Do you think you're in charge of a kindergarten?'

'Wait a moment,' said Novikov. 'Wasn't it you who kissed me for not sending in the tanks until I'd knocked out the enemy artillery? You should put that in your report too.'

'You say I kissed you for that?' said Getmanov in astonishment. 'You must be mad!… Let me be quite frank. As a Communist, I feel disturbed that you, a man of the purest proletarian origin, should repeatedly allow yourself to be influenced by alien elements.'

'So it's like that, is it?' said Novikov, raising his voice. 'Very well then.'

He got to his feet, threw back his shoulders and shouted furiously:

'I'm in command here. And what I say goes. As for you, comrade Getmanov, for all I care you can write reports, stories and whole novels about me! And you can send them to whoever you please – even comrade Stalin himself.'

He went through into the adjoining room…

Novikov put down the letter he had just read and gave a whistle. He used to whistle like that when he was a little boy. He would stand under his friend's window and whistle to him to come out and play. It was probably a good thirty years since he had whistled like that…

Then he looked out through the window. No, it was still light… In sudden, hysterical joy he cried out: 'Thank you, thank you, thank you for everything!'

For a moment he thought he was about to fall down dead. He walked up and down the room. He looked again at the letter on his desk. It was like a white, sloughed-off skin that a viper had just crawled out of. He put his hands to his chest and his sides. The viper wasn't there. It must have crawled inside him already. It must be burning his heart with poison.

He stood for a moment by the window. The drivers were laughing as they watched Marusya the telephonist walk past to the lavatory. The driver of the staff tank was carrying a bucket from the well. Sparrows were busying themselves in the straw beside the entrance to the cow-shed. Zhenya had once said that sparrows were her favourite bird… And now he was on fire – just like a house. The beams had given way. The ceiling was falling in. Cups and plates were crashing to the floor. Cupboards were toppling over. Books and pillows were tumbling about, flying through the smoke and the sparks like birds… 'I shall be grateful all my life for everything pure and noble that you have given me. But what can I do? The past is stronger than I am. I can't kill it, I can't forget it… Don't blame me – not because I'm not guilty, but because neither of us know quite what I am guilty of… Forgive me, forgive me, I'm crying for us both.'

So she was crying, was she! Novikov felt a sudden fury. The filthy bitch! The snake! He wanted to punch her on the jaw, in the eyes. He wanted to crack that whore's nose of hers with the butt of his revolver…

Suddenly, unbearably suddenly, he felt helpless. There was nothing in the whole world that could help him, only Zhenya, and she had destroyed him…

He looked in the direction she should have been coming from and said: 'What have you done to me, Zhenechka? Can you hear me? Look at me, Zhenechka! Look what you've done to me!'

He stretched out his hands to her. Then he thought: 'All this is a waste of time.' Yes, he had waited all those years, but now she had made up her mind. She wasn't a little girl. She had dragged it out for years, but now she had made up her mind. She had made up her mind -he must try to understand that.

A few minutes later he was again trying to find refuge in hatred: 'No, no, of course you didn't want me when I was an acting major in Nikolsk-Ussuriysk. But it was another story when I was promoted. You wanted to be the wife of a general. Well, women are all the same…' He soon realized what nonsense this was. She had left him for a man who was on his way to a camp, to Kolyma. What would she get out of that…? '"Russian women" – a poem by Nekrasov. [53]She doesn't love me, she loves him. No, she doesn't love him, she pities him. It's just that she pities him. But doesn't she have any pity for me? No one in the Lubyanka, no one in the camps, no one in hospital with a missing arm or leg can be more unhappy than I am. Very well, I'll go to a camp myself. Which of us will you choose then? Him! You two are the same breed, but I'm a stranger. That's what you called me – a stranger. Yes, I'll always be a peasant, a miner. Even if I become a marshal, I'll still never be an intellectual. I'll still never be able to make head or tail of all that painting of yours…'

In a loud hate-filled voice he asked: 'But why? Why?'

He took his pistol out of his back pocket and weighed it in the palm of his hand. 'I'm going to shoot myself. And not because I can't live without you – but to torment you with guilt. You whore!'