JAMES JOYCE - ULYSSES

BLOOM

Thank you, mistress.

BELLO

You will make the beds, get my tub ready, empty the pisspots in the different rooms, including old Mrs Keogh’s the cook’s, a sandy one. Ay, and rinse the seven of them well, mind, or lap it up like champagne. Drink me piping hot. Hop! You will dance attendance or I’ll lecture you on your misdeeds, Miss Ruby, and spank your bare bot right well, miss, with the hairbrush. You’ll be taught the error of your ways. At night your wellcreamed braceletted hands will wear fortythreebutton gloves newpowdered with talc and having delicately scented fingertips. For such favours knights of old laid down their lives. ( he chuckles ) My boys will be no end charmed to see you so ladylike, the colonel, above all, when they come here the night before the wedding to fondle my new attraction in gilded heels. First I’ll have a go at you myself. A man I know on the turf named Charles Alberta Marsh (I was in bed with him just now and another gentleman out of the Hanaper and Petty Bag office) is on the lookout for a maid of all work at a short knock. Swell the bust. Smile. Droop shoulders. What offers? ( he points ) For that lot. Trained by owner to fetch and carry, basket in mouth. ( he bares his arm and plunges it elbowdeep in Bloom’s vulva ) There’s fine depth for you! What, boys? That give you a hardon? ( he shoves his arm in a bidder’s face ) Here wet the deck and wipe it round!

A BIDDER

A florin.

(Dillon’s lacquey rings his handbell.)

THE LACQUEY

Barang!

A VOICE

One and eightpence too much.

CHARLES ALBERTA MARSH

Must be virgin. Good breath. Clean.

BELLO

( gives a rap with his gavel ) Two bar. Rockbottom figure and cheap at the price. Fourteen hands high. Touch and examine shis points. Handle hrim. This downy skin, these soft muscles, this tender flesh. If I had only my gold piercer here! And quite easy to milk. Three newlaid gallons a day. A pure stockgetter, due to lay within the hour. His sire’s milk record was a thousand gallons of whole milk in forty weeks. Whoa my jewel! Beg up! Whoa! ( he brands his initial C on Bloom’s croup ) So! Warranted Cohen! What advance on two bob, gentlemen?

A DARKVISAGED MAN

( in disguised accent ) Hoondert punt sterlink.

VOICES

( subdued ) For the Caliph. Haroun Al Raschid.

BELLO

( gaily ) Right. Let them all come. The scanty, daringly short skirt, riding up at the knee to show a peep of white pantalette, is a potent weapon and transparent stockings, emeraldgartered, with the long straight seam trailing up beyond the knee, appeal to the better instincts of the blase man about town. Learn the smooth mincing walk on four inch Louis Quinze heels, the Grecian bend with provoking croup, the thighs fluescent, knees modestly kissing. Bring all your powers of fascination to bear on them. Pander to their Gomorrahan vices.

BLOOM

( bends his blushing face into his armpit and simpers with forefinger in mouth ) O, I know what you’re hinting at now!

BELLO

What else are you good for, an impotent thing like you? ( he stoops and, peering, pokes with his fan rudely under the fat suet folds of Bloom’s haunches ) Up! Up! Manx cat! What have we here? Where’s your curly teapot gone to or who docked it on you, cockyolly? Sing, birdy, sing. It’s as limp as a boy of six’s doing his pooly behind a cart. Buy a bucket or sell your pump. ( loudly ) Can you do a man’s job?

BLOOM

Eccles street ….

BELLO

( sarcastically ) I wouldn’t hurt your feelings for the world but there’s a man of brawn in possession there. The tables are turned, my gay young fellow! He is something like a fullgrown outdoor man. Well for you, you muff, if you had that weapon with knobs and lumps and warts all over it. He shot his bolt, I can tell you! Foot to foot, knee to knee, belly to belly, bubs to breast! He’s no eunuch. A shock of red hair he has sticking out of him behind like a furzebush! Wait for nine months, my lad! Holy ginger, it’s kicking and coughing up and down in her guts already! That makes you wild, don’t it? Touches the spot? ( he spits in contempt ) Spittoon!

BLOOM

I was indecently treated, I ….. Inform the police. Hundred pounds. Unmentionable. I ….

BELLO

Would if you could, lame duck. A downpour we want not your drizzle.

BLOOM

To drive me mad! Moll! I forgot! Forgive! Moll …. We …. Still …..

BELLO

( ruthlessly ) No, Leopold Bloom, all is changed by woman’s will since you slept horizontal in Sleepy Hollow your night of twenty years. Return and see.

(Old Sleepy Hollow calls over the wold.)

SLEEPY HOLLOW

Rip van Wink! Rip van Winkle!

BLOOM

( in tattered mocassins with a rusty fowlingpiece, tiptoeing, fingertipping, his haggard bony bearded face peering through the diamond panes, cries out ) I see her! It’s she! The first night at Mat Dillon’s! But that dress, the green! And her hair is dyed gold and he ….

BELLO

( laughs mockingly ) That’s your daughter, you owl, with a Mullingar student.

(Milly Bloom, fairhaired, greenvested, slimsandalled, her blue scarf in the seawind simply swirling, breaks from the arms of her lover and calls, her young eyes wonderwide.)

MILLY

My! It’s Papli! But, O Papli, how old you’ve grown!

BELLO

Changed, eh? Our whatnot, our writingtable where we never wrote, aunt Hegarty’s armchair, our classic reprints of old masters. A man and his menfriends are living there in clover. The Cuckoos’ Rest ! Why not? How many women had you, eh, following them up dark streets, flatfoot, exciting them by your smothered grunts, what, you male prostitute? Blameless dames with parcels of groceries. Turn about. Sauce for the goose, my gander O.

BLOOM

They …. I ….

BELLO

( cuttingly ) Their heelmarks will stamp the Brusselette carpet you bought at Wren’s auction. In their horseplay with Moll the romp to find the buck flea in her breeches they will deface the little statue you carried home in the rain for art for art’ sake. They will violate the secrets of your bottom drawer. Pages will be torn from your handbook of astronomy to make them pipespills. And they will spit in your ten shilling brass fender from Hampton Leedom’s.

BLOOM

Ten and six. The act of low scoundrels. Let me go. I will return. I will prove …

A VOICE

Swear!

(Bloom clenches his fists and crawls forward, a bowieknife between his teeth.)

BELLO

As a paying guest or a kept man? Too late. You have made your secondbest bed and others must lie in it. Your epitaph is written. You are down and out and don’t you forget it, old bean.

BLOOM

Justice! All Ireland versus one! Has nobody …? ( he bites his thumb )

BELLO

Die and be damned to you if you have any sense of decency or grace about you. I can give you a rare old wine that’ll send you skipping to hell and back. Sign a will and leave us any coin you have! If you have none see you damn well get it, steal it, rob it! We’ll bury you in our shrubbery jakes where you’ll be dead and dirty with old Cuck Cohen, my stepnephew I married, the bloody old gouty procurator and sodomite with a crick in his neck, and my other ten or eleven husbands, whatever the buggers’ names were, suffocated in the one cesspool. ( he explodes in a loud phlegmy laugh ) We’ll manure you, Mr Flower! ( he pipes scoffingly ) Byby, Poldy! Byby, Papli!

BLOOM

( clasps his head ) My willpower! Memory! I have sinned! I have suff …. ( he weeps tearlessly )

BELLO

( sneers ) Crybabby! Crocodile tears!