George Grossmith - The Diary of a Nobody

NOVEMBER 11. Returned home to find the house in a most disgraceful uproar. Carrie, who appeared very frightened, was standing outside her bedroom, while Sarah was excited and crying. Mrs Birrel (the charwoman), who had evidently been drinking, was shouting at the top of her voice that she was ‘no thief, that she was a respectable woman, who had to work hard for her living, and she would smack anyone’s face who put lies into her mouth’. Lupin, whose back was towards me, did not hear me come in. He was standing between the two women, and, I regret to say, in his endeavour to act as peacemaker, he made use of rather strong language in the presence of his mother;

Daisy Mutlar

and I was just in time to hear him say: ‘And all this fuss about the loss of a few pages from a rotten diary that wouldn’t fetch three-halfpence a pound!’ I said, quietly: ‘Pardon me, Lupin, that is a matter of opinion; and as I am master of this house, perhaps you will allow me to take the reins.’

I ascertained that the cause of the row was, that Sarah had accused Mrs Birrell of tearing the pages out of my diary to wrap up some kitchen fat 53 53 (November 11) Sarah had accused Mrs Birrell of tearing the pages out of my diary to wrap up some kitchen fat : Some fifty years previously John Stuart Mill had borrowed from Thomas Carlyle the manuscript of his epic work on the French Revolution. Mill’s maid, thinking it was scrap paper, used it for lighting the fire and Carlyle, who by then had lost interest in the work, thinking it finished, was obliged to write it again. and leavings which she had taken out of the house last week. Mrs Birrell had slapped Sarah’s face, and said she had taken nothing out of the place, as there was ‘never no leavings to take’. I ordered Sarah back to her work, and requested Mrs Birrell to go home. When I entered the parlour Lupin was kicking his legs in the air, and roaring with laughter.

NOVEMBER 12, SUNDAY. Coming home from church Carrie and I met Lupin, Daisy Mutlar, and her brother. Daisy was introduced to us, and we walked home together, Carrie walking on with Miss Mutlar. We asked them in for a few minutes, and I had a good look at my future daughter-in-law. My heart quite sank. She is a big young woman, and I should think at least eight years older than Lupin. I did not even think her good-looking. Carrie asked her if she could come in on Wednesday next with her brother to meet a few friends. She replied that she would only be too pleased.

NOVEMBER 13. Carrie sent out invitations to Gowing, the Cummings, to Mr and Mrs James (of Sutton), and Mr Stillbrook. I wrote a note to Mr Franching, of Peckham. Carrie said we may as well make it a nice affair, and why not ask our principal, Mr Perkupp? I said I feared we were not quite grand enough for him. Carrie said there was ‘no offence in asking him’. I said: ‘Certainly not,’ and wrote him a letter. Carrie confessed she was a little disappointed with Daisy Mutlar’s appearance, but thought she seemed a nice girl.

NOVEMBER 14. Everybody so far has accepted for our quite grand little party for tomorrow. Mr Perkupp, in a nice letter which I shall keep, 54 54 (November 14) in a nice letter which I shall keep : In his autobiography, A Society Clown , George Grossmith revealed: ‘I must plead guilty to… keeping in my desk, every letter addressed to me personally.’ wrote that he was dining in Kensington, but if he could get away, he would come up to Holloway for an hour. Carrie was busy all day, making little cakes and open jam puffs and jellies. She said she felt quite nervous about her responsibilities tomorrow evening. We decided to have some light things on the table, such as sandwiches, cold chicken and ham, and some sweets, and on the sideboard a nice piece of cold beef and a Paysandu tongue for the more hungry ones to peg into if they liked.

Gowing called to know if he was to put on ‘swallow-tails’ tomorrow. Carrie said he had better dress, especially as Mr Franching was coming, and there was a possibility of Mr Perkupp also putting in an appearance.

Gowing said: ‘Oh, I only wanted to know; for I have not worn my dress-coat for some time, and I must send it to have the creases pressed out.’

After Gowing left, Lupin came in, and in his anxiety to please Daisy Mutlar, carped at and criticized the arrangements, and, in fact, disapproved of everything, including our having asked our old friend Cummings, who, he said, would look in evening-dress like a greengrocer engaged to wait, and who must not be surprised if Daisy took him for one.

I fairly lost my temper, and said: ‘Lupin, allow me to tell you Miss Daisy Mutlar is not the Queen of England. I gave you credit for more wisdom than to allow yourself to be inveigled into an engagement with a woman considerably older than yourself. I advise you to think of earning your living before entangling yourself with a wife whom you will have to support, and in all probability, her brother also, who appeared to be nothing but a loafer.’

Instead of receiving this advice in a sensible manner, Lupin jumped up and said: ‘If you insult the lady I am engaged to, you insult me. I will leave the house and never darken your doors again.’

He went out of the house, slamming the hall-door. But it was all right. He came back to supper, and we played Bézique till nearly twelve o’clock.

Our first important party. Old friends and new friends. Gowing is a little annoying; but his friend, Mr Stillbrook, turns out to be quite amusing. Inopportune arrival of Mr Perkupp, but he is most kind and complimentary. Party a great success .

NOVEMBER 15. A RED- LETTER DAY. Our first important party since we have been in this house. I got home early from the City. Lupin insisted on having a hired waiter, and stood a half-dozen of champagne. I think this an unnecessary expense, but Lupin said he had had a piece of luck, having made three pounds out of a private deal in the City. I hope he won’t gamble in his new situation. The supper-room looked so nice, and Carrie truly said: ‘We need not be ashamed of its being seen by Mr Perkupp, should he honour us by coming.’

I dressed early in case people should arrive punctually at eight o’clock, and was much vexed to find my new dress-trousers much too short. Lupin, who is getting beyond his position, found fault with my wearing ordinary boots instead of dress-boots.

I replied satirically: ‘My dear son, I have lived to be above that sort of thing.’

Lupin burst out laughing, and said: ‘A man generally was above his boots.’

This may be funny, or it may not ; but I was gratified to find he had not discovered the coral had come off one of my studs. Carrie looked a picture, wearing the dress she wore at the Mansion House. The arrangement of the drawing-room was excellent. Carrie had hung muslin curtains over the folding-doors, and also over one of the entrances, for we had removed the door from its hinges.

Mr Peters, the waiter, arrived in good time, and I gave him strict orders not to open another bottle of champagne until the previous one was empty. Carrie arranged for some sherry and port wine to be placed on the drawing-room sideboard, with some glasses.

By-the-by, our new enlarged and tinted photographs look very nice on the walls, especially as Carrie has arranged some Liberty silk bows on the four corners of them.

The first arrival was Gowing, who, with his usual taste, greeted me with: ‘Hulloh, Pooter, why your trousers are too short!’

I simply said: ‘Very likely, and you will find my temper “short” also.’